Anxiety 101

I wish I could say that my nearly compulsive anxiety had lessened as I get older and understand more of the world. But it hasn't, and you already knew that before you finished that first sentence. Instead, I find myself thrown in the delightful world and black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.

I'd like to find some middle ground right now, thank you. Yet, I find that the emotional indulgence of not being able to eat or sleep and completely destroy myself through the process of desperately trying to understand the understandable or control the uncontrollable is just too delicious.

Apparently, I like emotionally beating my head against the wall.

I have a fairly simple regimen for dealing with anxiety: no food, lots of caffeine and sugar, burning up the battery on my phone by way of hours on the phone talking. After running through my contacts on the phone, I'm forced to search the Internet for the invaluable advice contained therein and eventually sink into my own head and heart.

That's the danger zone.

The throbbing thoughts in my head so easily take over and pound into submission any remaining rational thought. I find myself reacting to everything. Every sensation in my body suddenly has a meaning. Every past experience crawls from the recesses of my memory to cloud the present moment.

Do you have any idea how much I wish I didn't have to admit this? Do you understand how much I wish I could just let life do what it's going to do and just take it in stride? Do you get how much I hate having this much lack of control over feelings?

The only remedy I've found is time. In the meanwhile, I should probably get back to analyzing the emoticons and hidden emotional messages in some text messages, fretting over what the cold chills and churning stomach are trying to tell me about what's going on, and drink another Coke. This might be a long night.

Just a man

It's been a while.

I've been overwhelmed with a life that has been filled with preparing and teaching lessons, keeping up with master's work, and all the other minute details of my life, and sharing as much time as possible with the amazing man who has stolen my heart.

This relationship has been different from the start, and I have learned much about myself and the nature of relationships. I don't talk about the nuances of our relationship with everyone in my inner circle because I'm trying to trust my instinct for a change. I've discovered that I need more attention than I initially thought and being vulnerable is the most frightening and most rewarding thing I've ever been.

It's been a precarious place for me--seeking the balance between moving forward in the discovery process and being willing to lose if that's the end result. I've done a fabulous job carving out a life for myself after a very painful marriage and divorce. This new chapter is an interesting process, and not without its own struggles.

Last week, I sat at my desk before the first bell and looked at the pictures of us resting on my desk. The thought occurred to me, "He's so beautiful." This was immediately followed with, "He's just a man."

I found such comfort in that thought. As amazing as this man is...for all the wonder and joy he has brought to my life...he's human. And I'm human. He will disappoint me. He is not able to meet all the needs in my life. He cannot be the sole source of my happiness and existence. The same is true of my role in his life. That realization opened a new level of appreciation for him and what we share.

This came up in our first argument:

Well, I guess now you know you're in love with a human.

Obviously...and so are you.

As he says, "It's all part of the game of love." When I asked if he was willing to play it with me, he replied, "I AM playing it with you."

Seriously, how can you not love that?

Por fin...

Por fin...el ultima dia de 2011!

What a year! What stands out to me right now is the number of shooting stars I've seen this year. Despite the fact that I'm not exactly superstitious, I have wished on a few of them. Those nearly secret whispers that rise from a deep place within. I know if you read my blog, you know exactly what I mean.

For the record, one of them has already come true. I'm hoping the other is right behind it. :)

Wishes aside, it's been an interesting year, as usual. Choosing to live life deliberately opens those types of doors, and I am daily amazed by how blessed I am to experience all that is before me. This year has been learning Portuguese, traveling to Spain, creating more art, and meeting the most amazing man with the most marvelous smile to greet me in the morning.

I've also learned a very important lesson. It's really not about me. I've spent a lot of time worrying about others' perceptions of me, but I think I finally understand that I have no control over that. Nor do I really want it. All I can do is live my life with the best intent. I'll take the consequences. I'll take the chances. I'll no longer worry about how others see me. Their perceptions have little to do with me and everything to do with their own experiences.

And that, my friends, is freeing.

As we close out this year and open our arms to embrace the next, I will close my eyes one more time and be grateful for this incredible opportunity called life that I--and you--get to experience.

Merry Christmas

I've had a million thoughts run through my head today, but I will try to follow one of the important rules of blogging and stick with just one of those thoughts. It's been a most interesting Christmas for me. Another first...and I hope it's just the beginning of the next stage in my never-a-dull-moment life.

It's no secret that I tend to live life with the idea that you make decisions for the day based on the information in front of you at that moment. I'm not a fatalist, nor do I believe in create a hard and fast plan for tomorrow. My approach is to have a general idea of what is and is not acceptable and adjust as needed.

I certainly never intended to end up here...where I am in this moment. It's just the way the path unfolded.

This morning, my love and I were talking, and I decided to tell him a little about my ex-husband and the way we interacted with each other. Making this decision was a great debate in my head because I wondered just how crazy it would sound in someone else's ears. In the end, I knew I needed to let him know.

His response exemplifies one of the reasons I love him. First, he immediately understood the ridiculous point of view my ex seemed to have in regard to me. Second, what ensued was a conversation about how important it is for us--as humans--to act and speak with authenticity. Otherwise, people just get hurt.

Granted, we have no control over other people and their reactions. This is a lesson I have learned this year. However, my job is to be true to myself and what I know to be real and right. The rest is left for others to interpret and respond through their own filters of experience. In a perfect world, we would all do this.

But it's not a perfect world.

This vulnerability in love thing is tough for me, but I'm certainly amazed to see myself willing to take the steps to be so. I'm even more amazed to see how the right person responds to the vulnerability. He accepts it. He does what is necessary to reassure me. We ended our conversation with the declaration that we must not hide things from each other...even the bad.

It's been a beautiful Christmas, and I've been surrounded by love that amazes me with each waking moment--through my family and friends and, of course, my querido. Love in it's purest form accepts and nurtures and understands that each breath we take changes the path.

Christmas Eve

As I write this, a gorgeous man with a pair of basketball shorts, backwards Yankees cap, and a white t-shirt wrapped around his nose and mouth is cleaning my ceiling fan. This is all because I woke yesterday morning with a slight cough.

I endured a day of a million questions about my health and well-being. Did I feel any phlegm? Was the sensation in my throat one of pain or scratchiness? Did I have a fever? Were my glands swollen? Each question was followed by a quick check of my vitals--including an ear to my back to check my breathing.

The cough gradually grew worse, and I woke this morning with a fever. I wish you could have seen the look in his eyes and his brief, "I told you something was wrong" as he brought me breakfast in bed and gave me an interesting concoction of medicines designed to alleviate my symptoms.

This man has now completely swept my floors (including under the furniture), cleaned my furniture, the blinds, and the ceiling fans. He's given me a few lectures about how the dust is bad for my respiratory system. And he throws in a few "How are you feeling?" and kisses and reminders that he loves me.

I think this is the perfect Christmas Eve.

Layers upon layers...

Sigh.

My blog has been silent. My journal has far too many pages for this time in the year. My phone has been taking an extended rest. But my mind has been working over time. I feel much like the proverbial still waters. A single glance at my life cannot reveal the layers upon layers swirling deep within.

If you know me, you know how much I like it.

I've never felt this loved and comfortable in my own skin.

The Beauties, the Virtues, the Graces...

Last night, I found myself sitting in an emergency room with my love and his relative. We discovered that he had been taken to the hospital earlier in the day and immediately rushed over to check on him. Soon I was settled in among the friends and family--soaking in the Spanish and quietly honored by the way they attempted English with me.

It wasn't long before some friends showed up. One guy walked in with a grocery bag filled with water, food, a blanket, and some other items to keep the patient occupied--and the biggest smile I have ever seen. This guy was so proud of himself. He dropped off the bag and pulled from another some food for himself. He commenced eating and watching the television.

Later, we returned to the room and this guy was curled up in a chair, wrapped in his jacket--sleeping. I know from the pictures that he was there for the release from the hospital and is currently at the guy's house checking on him.

What I find so interesting about this situation is that the guy has the worst Spanish I have ever heard. I leaned over to my love and whispered, "I don't understand anything he says." He smiled at me and replied, "No one does. He's crazy." I've watched the amusement in their eyes as they watch his antics.

And based on my observations of him, I agree with that statement. Yet, it hasn't escaped me the amount of kindness and concern he showed for his friend in a time of need. It takes a lot for someone to stay in a hospital overnight. He was the only one who thought--of his own volition--to bring needed comforts for the patient.

John Steinbeck wrote the book, Cannery Row, to explore his idea that even the least among us are people of great value and beauty. He describes a ragtag group of bums as "the Beauties, the Virtues, the Graces..." This idea rolled around in my head and heart last night, eventually resting in the place that reminds me God is at work all around us, and often in ways and people we would likely neglect to notice.