I'm in one of those moments of complete peace that I love. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that I had two hours of sleep last night. It was worth it, though, because I learned a lot about myself.
I sat on a couch last night talking and listening to Latin music and Pearl Jam (interesting combination, right?). The conversation was smooth and easy. Before we knew it, I looked at the clock and saw 2:14 a.m. That was five hours of conversation! I left, armed with leftover pizza, fresh caught Grouper, the most amazing Pearl Jam CD I've ever heard, and a sleeping bag, and crawled into bed at 3:00.
It was worth it.
I wish I felt comfortable going into more detail, but I can't. All I can say is that I can't remember the last time I felt this open, and if nothing else, I know--once again--something that I need in my life. It's beautiful, and I'm loving the fact that I have the chance to embrace it.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A Broken Record
Since I don't seem to have much to share lately outside the realm of running or dating, I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned lately from both. The last few months have been an interesting process for me, and I'm a bit surprised to find that I have adapted so well to two things that used to rate at the top of my "Things I Fear" list. Enjoy.
1. 10 minutes is all it takes to know how you feel about someone. There are always some exceptions, but for the most part, your instinct is right on in that moment.
2. Your selling points are completely in the eye of the "purchaser". Mine have ranged from, "You have beautiful eyes" to "You're cheap [as in, don't like to spend money] and travel light."
3. Always cross the finish line with a running stride, even if you feel like puking. You probably won't puke anyway.
4. However, you will puke at a carnival if you push yourself too hard trying to ride all the rides in an attempt to prove that you can.
5. It's always worth the wait for "that look". Don't stop until you find it.
6. Letting go is sometimes the best decision you can make.
7. Enjoy the scenery. (Ok, I'll be honest, I'm still working on this one. I know it's there, and I know I should soak it up, but I'm still a bit neurotic...worrying about finishing the run or getting to the third date.)
8. Embrace the excitement even if no one else is there to appreciate it and everyone thinks you're setting yourself up for a fall.
9. Just because other people aren't honest doesn't mean you have to follow suit. Do what you say you will do. Don't agree to do anything you're not comfortable with.
10. The world is filled with interesting people and places. Actively seek them.
1. 10 minutes is all it takes to know how you feel about someone. There are always some exceptions, but for the most part, your instinct is right on in that moment.
2. Your selling points are completely in the eye of the "purchaser". Mine have ranged from, "You have beautiful eyes" to "You're cheap [as in, don't like to spend money] and travel light."
3. Always cross the finish line with a running stride, even if you feel like puking. You probably won't puke anyway.
4. However, you will puke at a carnival if you push yourself too hard trying to ride all the rides in an attempt to prove that you can.
5. It's always worth the wait for "that look". Don't stop until you find it.
6. Letting go is sometimes the best decision you can make.
7. Enjoy the scenery. (Ok, I'll be honest, I'm still working on this one. I know it's there, and I know I should soak it up, but I'm still a bit neurotic...worrying about finishing the run or getting to the third date.)
8. Embrace the excitement even if no one else is there to appreciate it and everyone thinks you're setting yourself up for a fall.
9. Just because other people aren't honest doesn't mean you have to follow suit. Do what you say you will do. Don't agree to do anything you're not comfortable with.
10. The world is filled with interesting people and places. Actively seek them.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Just a Little Ache
I'm feeling an intense ache today. It's deep within, and the best way I can describe it is like the way it feels to eat just a tiny amount of food when you have been so famished you didn't even realize you were hungry.
Yep. I think that's it.
I spent eleven hours yesterday with one of the most interesting people I've ever met. We hopped in an old Jeep without doors and cruised down US41 with plans to go to a shooting range. After missing our turn and ending up halfway to Miami, we did some Old Florida touristy things like visit the Florida Skunk Ape Museum (where I got to hold a 60 pound albino python). Eventually, we found the shooting range, and I was able to prove that I'm not a bad shot. (I was actually told that I was a natural with a gun.)
Later, he made dinner for me that consisted of fish and lobster he caught himself. It was absolutely delicious. I'm impressed.
I hope he feels the same way. If I've learned anything from dating, I've learned that you just have to find someone who you like to be around and hope they also like being with you. It's really that simple. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. I get that.
My struggle this morning, though, is realizing just how empty certain places of my soul have been. They've been so starved for the last few years that I didn't even realize it. Yesterday filled just enough of that emptiness that I am painfully aware of what I had been lacking. I oh so needed an afternoon of being outdoors and stopping at goofy tourist traps and trying something new and talking freely about whatever subject comes up and taking in the beauty of the Everglades countryside. I needed a little adventure.
I suppose this is the flip side, and for some reason I need to embrace this aching. It's not fun to be caught between what you realize you need in your life and the fear that you may not ever find it. But this time, I don't want to take the escape route into the mundane again.
Yep. I think that's it.
I spent eleven hours yesterday with one of the most interesting people I've ever met. We hopped in an old Jeep without doors and cruised down US41 with plans to go to a shooting range. After missing our turn and ending up halfway to Miami, we did some Old Florida touristy things like visit the Florida Skunk Ape Museum (where I got to hold a 60 pound albino python). Eventually, we found the shooting range, and I was able to prove that I'm not a bad shot. (I was actually told that I was a natural with a gun.)
Later, he made dinner for me that consisted of fish and lobster he caught himself. It was absolutely delicious. I'm impressed.
I hope he feels the same way. If I've learned anything from dating, I've learned that you just have to find someone who you like to be around and hope they also like being with you. It's really that simple. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. I get that.
My struggle this morning, though, is realizing just how empty certain places of my soul have been. They've been so starved for the last few years that I didn't even realize it. Yesterday filled just enough of that emptiness that I am painfully aware of what I had been lacking. I oh so needed an afternoon of being outdoors and stopping at goofy tourist traps and trying something new and talking freely about whatever subject comes up and taking in the beauty of the Everglades countryside. I needed a little adventure.
I suppose this is the flip side, and for some reason I need to embrace this aching. It's not fun to be caught between what you realize you need in your life and the fear that you may not ever find it. But this time, I don't want to take the escape route into the mundane again.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Gratitude
I went to my favorite yoga class this morning. If you're ever in southwest Florida you should stop by to see this place. It's a bit Dharma-esque in both the setting and nature of the people who visit, and it's certainly worth the time just to explore the grounds.
I like it.
During the meditation portion of the class, I pray. Today--sitting in the rays of the morning sun, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind--I was overcome with gratitude. You know the kind of gratitude that rises from your belly and washes over your body? That's it.
I am daily amazed at the wonders around me. A body that has pushed and prodded through races and intense yoga classes. A job that gives me the opportunity to give back to a community. A bevy of friends who make me laugh. A dog that greets me each day like I'm the greatest person on the planet. A family who loves me. A world of opportunity, if I'm willing to accept it.
I feel so blessed. All I could do this morning was thank my God for the life He has given me and the ways I see him working in and through each moment.
It is, most definitely, a charmed life.
If I could bottle this, I would. Instead, I thought I'd share it.
I like it.
During the meditation portion of the class, I pray. Today--sitting in the rays of the morning sun, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind--I was overcome with gratitude. You know the kind of gratitude that rises from your belly and washes over your body? That's it.
I am daily amazed at the wonders around me. A body that has pushed and prodded through races and intense yoga classes. A job that gives me the opportunity to give back to a community. A bevy of friends who make me laugh. A dog that greets me each day like I'm the greatest person on the planet. A family who loves me. A world of opportunity, if I'm willing to accept it.
I feel so blessed. All I could do this morning was thank my God for the life He has given me and the ways I see him working in and through each moment.
It is, most definitely, a charmed life.
If I could bottle this, I would. Instead, I thought I'd share it.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Running
I finally made it to the running store this weekend and walked out with a new pair of running shoes designed to correct my supination, a water bottle belt, sample tubes of glucose gel, stuff to prevent blisters on my feet, and a running-themed car magnet. I feel like a real runner now...it was the magnet that did it!
Running and I have had a love-hate relationship lately, and I won't bore you with all the details. The thought of running more than 4 miles right now is a bit overwhelming, mostly because I'm desperately afraid of boredom. You see, I really can't listen to music when I run. It bores me. I can't read when I run (that's only possible on a treadmill anyway). My mind is so crammed these days that it can't even begin to unwind.
Yet, I love the way my body is changing. I can finally feel the bones in my hips again. My rear is lifting before my very eyes. My knees are starting to get a knobby look to them that I see only on runners. You should see my legs. I looked at them in a mirror yesterday and was surprised to see the muscle definition that comes from pounding the pavement. I love the feeling of being finished with a run. I love the comraderie that I've found while out on a run.
Here are a few shots from this morning's run (forgive the quality...I shot these with my phone). Last weekend I ran a local 5K race across this bridge. I liked it, even though that bridge kicks my butt. I have another bridge race next weekend, so I thought it would be a good idea to get some practice in this weekend and next weekend.
It looks a lot taller in person. It's also totally worth the climb for a view like this.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The Ex Files
One of the more interesting parts of dating in my thirties has been the ex-files. At this stage in life, it's inevitable that my date and I both have stories of dates (and partners) past. These stories seep out over time, and you know I'm a sucker for the story about anyone's life. I like to listen to them.
After hearing about "the one who got away" and "the one who never left" and "the one who called six times in a row at two in the morning crying," I wondered about my story. What does my "ex-file" say about me?
I can't even answer that question because it's entirely framed in the perspective of the other person. Like everyone else, I like to think that my exes remember me as a beautiful, generous, and fun woman. Yet, I know there's a possibility that they frame me in the light of my flaws. Sometimes I wish I could be in the room listening to the new woman as she hears the story of "this woman I dated".
None of this matters, of course, mostly because I've learned that there are two sides to every story. If I didn't know that, I'd think that every woman on the planet is a psycho and every man is a douche bag...because that's the way these stories usually go. It's human nature to tell about the ex who did "drive bys" after the break-up and leave out the part where they just stopped having their calls returned with no warning or explanation.
I guess I just hope that the person listening to the story of me has enough sense to know this, too. And I hope I remember this the next time I tell a story from the ex-file.
After hearing about "the one who got away" and "the one who never left" and "the one who called six times in a row at two in the morning crying," I wondered about my story. What does my "ex-file" say about me?
I can't even answer that question because it's entirely framed in the perspective of the other person. Like everyone else, I like to think that my exes remember me as a beautiful, generous, and fun woman. Yet, I know there's a possibility that they frame me in the light of my flaws. Sometimes I wish I could be in the room listening to the new woman as she hears the story of "this woman I dated".
None of this matters, of course, mostly because I've learned that there are two sides to every story. If I didn't know that, I'd think that every woman on the planet is a psycho and every man is a douche bag...because that's the way these stories usually go. It's human nature to tell about the ex who did "drive bys" after the break-up and leave out the part where they just stopped having their calls returned with no warning or explanation.
I guess I just hope that the person listening to the story of me has enough sense to know this, too. And I hope I remember this the next time I tell a story from the ex-file.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Insomnia
The wee hours of the morning are my favorite time of day. The world is still and filled with a subtle sense of promise just before the new day unfolds. I've savored this precious time across the country and never seem to get enough of it.
But I like this time on my own terms. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00. I looked at the clock, closed my eyes, and tried to drift back into what slumber I could still get in the next hour. No such luck! Instead, I crawled out of bed and went out to my porch to enjoy what I could.
This wouldn't be such a big deal to me, but I haven't slept in 3 days. I've been waking every hour, and nothing is worse than opening your eyes just to see 1:00...2:13...3:07...4:42. I'm not a big fan of sleep, but I do like to get at least 4 or 5 straight hours of shut-eye.
I'm coasting through my day on energy fumes!
Anyway, if I've learned anything in my time on this earth, I know to listen to my body. Something's up in my world. I don't yet know what it is, although I do suspect it. I'm trying to listen to my instinct, which is right now telling me to take a few deep breaths and focus ALL the energy I have into myself.
It's hard for me to do that. By nature, I'm willing to give myself away until my hands bleed. I even have a plethora of scripture that tells me I should do that. Yet, I cannot escape the nagging feeling that the next few months *need* to be about me.
Sigh. I'm trying. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair shaped (trying to grow it long, but it's a bit messy right now, so I just need it cleaned up). I plan to color it again (sticking with the medium brown for now). I'm catching up on the housework and finally started to get some control over my work stuff.
Me. Me. Me. It's hard to accept that sometimes it's okay to be self-focused.
But I like this time on my own terms. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00. I looked at the clock, closed my eyes, and tried to drift back into what slumber I could still get in the next hour. No such luck! Instead, I crawled out of bed and went out to my porch to enjoy what I could.
This wouldn't be such a big deal to me, but I haven't slept in 3 days. I've been waking every hour, and nothing is worse than opening your eyes just to see 1:00...2:13...3:07...4:42. I'm not a big fan of sleep, but I do like to get at least 4 or 5 straight hours of shut-eye.
I'm coasting through my day on energy fumes!
Anyway, if I've learned anything in my time on this earth, I know to listen to my body. Something's up in my world. I don't yet know what it is, although I do suspect it. I'm trying to listen to my instinct, which is right now telling me to take a few deep breaths and focus ALL the energy I have into myself.
It's hard for me to do that. By nature, I'm willing to give myself away until my hands bleed. I even have a plethora of scripture that tells me I should do that. Yet, I cannot escape the nagging feeling that the next few months *need* to be about me.
Sigh. I'm trying. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair shaped (trying to grow it long, but it's a bit messy right now, so I just need it cleaned up). I plan to color it again (sticking with the medium brown for now). I'm catching up on the housework and finally started to get some control over my work stuff.
Me. Me. Me. It's hard to accept that sometimes it's okay to be self-focused.
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