In an effort to be more social, I agreed to participate in the first annual cookie exchange at work this morning. I've never done an cookie exchange before, and that fact alone didn't bode well for my social phobia, perfectionist tendencies, and leeriness about eating food from other people's kitchens. But I persevered. My grandmother recommended her favorite cookie recipe (which is actually a cake recipe--cut into bars). Last night I whipped up a delightful batch and licked the icing bowl clean...after I spread the bulk of it on the cookies. I wrapped everything in some plastic bowls and topped them with a Christmas bow. All was well until I was 1 dozen cookies short. At 10:45 last night I drove 7 miles to the nearest store (Walgreens) and then drove another mile to the Winn-Dixie for powdered sugar. I washed dishes as I listened to Letterman, and I was finally in bed around 12:30. And up again at 4:45. The cookie exchange was DELIGHTFUL. I laughed as I sipped black coffee...

I'm feeling just a tad bit overwhelmed right now. So much is going on that I'm struggling to keep it all going.

I recently read in a biography of Thomas Jefferson that he taught himself Spanish with a copy of Don Quixote and a Spanish-English dictionary. I figured if it worked for him it would work for me, and I at least have a basic working knowledge of the pronunciation, simple vocabulary, and grammar structure from my 2 years of Spanish in college. So last weekend during my weekly library trip, I picked up some books in Spanish. I have read "The Berenstain Bears y la Ninera" and "Nancy Elegante" this week. I thoroughly enjoyed them. I'm not sure I've learned more words through this method, but I have seriously worked on thinking in Spanish while I'm reading. That was a tough job. If nothing else, it's a great excuse to read some of my favorite children's books. This has also been a good exercise for me as a teacher. I think I'll scrounge up a book in German or French this week and see what it's like to attempt a completely "blind" rea...

Hmm. I just spent the last 30 minutes composing and debating and erasing a brief update. I guess I wasn't suppose to share that even though it's been a long time since anyone's heard from me. And I still have nothing of value to say. My mind is spinning like a slot machine these days, and I never know if it will stop on the cherry 7's or the suffocating depression that has me in it's grip. Um, yeah, it's that bad. But I knew I was here in this miserable waiting place the moment I realized I was a bit too afraid to share what's really weighing on me. I want to, but I can't, mostly because I haven't been able to distance myself enough from it to get an objective view. It's moments like this when I miss my therapist and my dear friends who know that sometimes the best piece of advice/support you can get is the silent presence of warm body who loves you.

Check it out! The Lucky Monkeys? That's my fantasy football team. I am #1 this week. Ah, I'll enjoy this while it lasts. Fantasy football standings change every week.

I discovered the most delightful medicine last night for my "tune out" blues. A HIGH SCHOOL HOMECOMING FOOTBALL GAME! We still had 4 buckets of carnations left over and decided to sell them at the homecoming game last night. One of my dear colleagues volunteered to stay and help. We had an amazing enchilada dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. (Mexican food is sort of like barbeque...the best food is always at the smallest, low-key joints.) Then we peddled our wares at the gates. I saw several of my students from last year, each of whom called out my name and ran over with their arms wide open. We laughed and cooed over babies and gave away the broken flowers to little Mexican pre-schoolers. Two girls who aren't even members of our club offered to sell flowers for us. We gave them the last 30 flowers and told them they could do whatever they wanted with them. (They sold most of them!) We stayed through the half-time show to see the crowning of the homecoming ...

I'm the faculty sponsor of my school's International Club, and we have been working on our big fundraiser for the last month. Homecoming carnations. This pretty much just means that I haven't had lunch in two weeks. Instead I oversee teenagers in my classroom making notecards, attaching ribbon to notecards, sorting notecards, and collecting money. We spend 2 1/2 hours this afternoon attaching notecards to the flowers and sorting them for tomorrow afternoon's delivery. Folks, it's almost done. And I cannot wait. I drove home tonight in the dark, and drove right past my street. I didn't realize what I did until I was at the light a few miles down the road. That's when it dawned on me that everything about the afternoon was a complete blur. I have an incredible ability to tune out the world. All on my own. I've been like this since I was a kid, and it comes in handy sometimes. Like this afternoon. Sometimes it's a hindrance. Like the past few weeks. Oft...

I thought I'd share my thoughts on this year's Biggest Loser blue team. ! Hmm, that's the only part of my commentary that I am comfortable sharing here. Seriously, I have loved this show. In fact, it is the only reality show I can even attempt to endure. And that devotion hangs by a thin thread. I spent most of last season screaming at the t.v. and felt completely vindicated when Ali won the finale. This season is even worse. The alliances. The bickering. The lies. The crazy, psychotic blue team women! This show is about WEIGHT LOSS people. It's about CHANGING YOUR LIFE! The blue team needs to learn that sometimes that change requires more than an adjustment on the scale. I was so angry tonight at the injustice I saw that my blood pressure was through the roof. It dawned on me just how invasive hatred and vindictiveness can be. From my couch I could feel the cold black hand of ugliness shadow my body. I didn't like the feeling. If Brady had not been voted off tonigh...

Sometimes I'm amazed at the information my students share with me. (Just this week one asked me if it was true that "a lot of pimples on your face means you're horny all the time".) One of my students this year is an amazing poet. He truly has a gift for words, and I am daily stunned by his ability to take a language that he has been studying for only two years and craft poems that move you. This week he shared with me his two latest. The first one starts: "Bury me a poet." He goes on to explain that no matter anyone thinks of his passion for poetry and no matter how fruitless his dream of writing may seem, he is compelled to write. I so get that feeling. The second poem was about the feeling of desperation that goes hand in hand with poverty. That one made me cry. I understand that feeling, too. Let me tell you, this kid has talent. He and his siblings often keep me going throughout the day. I know what they're facing at home, and I'm always amazed ...

My nephew is 14 years old today. I cannot believe how time has completely flown. In typical teenage fashion he informed me tonight, "Yeah, everyone keeps talking about how it seems like yesterday I was just a little baby." I laughed and told him that people are saying that because IT'S TRUE! He was the sweetest baby I've ever known, and he has grown to be a fine young man. Bright. Compassionate. Friendly. Creative. And he thinks rap and hip-hop lyrics make no sense. Our world can use more people like him.

As much as I hated to do it, we had to mortgage our property. Alan desperately needs a building out here for storage and a workshop, and we just didn't have the reserves to pay for the permits and concrete and steel beams with cash. We signed the closing documents Friday evening. This whole process has me thinking. Over the summer we sold our other house and had to wipe out our savings to cover the difference between our loan and the sale price. We did the responsible thing because we the bank gave us the loan in good faith, and it was just the right thing to do. Then we found out that we had to pay additional interest and paid the bank more than the loan value (even though we had already paid down the principal). We're supposed to get this back when we deduct the mortgage insurance on our taxes. That just makes me angry because we could have just as easily walked away from the loan. We still would have had our new place AND the money in our savings account. But we don't. S...

We had a parent conference last week. Sort of. We--four teachers and a parent--were all there. Unfortunately, we spoke no Creole, she spoke little English, and we had no translator. So we sat around a round table in the small conference room and smiled at each other for 20 minutes. And asked repeatedly if the parent could understand ANY English. She smiled each time and squinted her eyes as she pressed her forefinger and thumb together to show us. "Um...no." We finally gave up looking for a translator and asked the woman if she could reschedule. This was all, of course, with many apologies. She stopped each one of us at the door, wrapped her arms around us, and kissed us on the cheek. This is why I love my school.

Last night's t.v. time was a complete delight. Sigh. I so needed that, especially when I realized this afternoon that sitting on the toilet was the highlight of the day because a) I was home; b) It was quiet; c) I didn't have to think about anything at all. Sigh. I caught a glimpse of my ever-expanding waistline in the mirror last night, and it dawned on me that I have to stop this trend. In the last 18 months I've managed to gain back the 40 pounds I lost 2 years ago. This summer I joined a local gym, and we were going fairly regularly. I bring my gym clothes with me each day with the hopes of stopping by on the way home. I just can't seem to get into a routine. I know that once I have an exercise routine down, the weight will come off fairly easily. That seems to be the trick for me. I can eat a diet of lettuce or ice cream and see the same results, but some time of the treadmill works wonders. If I can ever get there. My back seat is still stocked with this week'...

I'm stealing a quick minute before I surrender the computer over to my husband and get intimate with the couch for what I hope will be an entertaining Thursday night in front of the t.v. It's been a long day for me. Teaching at a struggling school is so much more work than I ever dreamed. Representatives from Tallahassee will be in our school next week to make sure we are doing what we are supposed to do. Since I teach non-English speakers, they WILL be in my classroom. My students count up to five times in the formula that determines school grades. I don't take that fact lightly. Neither does anyone else. My principal was in my room earlier this week. An administrative from the District was in today. This afternoon. On the day when I didn't get to eat lunch because I had to go to a "mandatory" insurance session. On the day when I had to scrap ALL my lesson plans because my students weren't ready for them. On the day when I had two girls in tears telling m...

My dear friend, Vic , and I have been having a most excellent conversation over the last week weaving through the web of politics and core values. Although outwardly we seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, our core beliefs are so similar that I started to think we shared a brain. Or more appropriately, a heart. I've been thinking abouth the values of service to the greater good and authenticity, and I'm sure I'll share them in more depth in the near future. For now, I want to share with you a song I first fell in love with 13 years ago. This song was the catalyst for my journey of questioning the brand of Christianity I grew up with, and it perfectly states the core of what I believe and the way I want to live my life. I'm feeling a bit distant from it these days, and I needed the reminder of why I am here and the way I hope I live my life each day. I am only included the lines that seem the most pertinent to me now. You can check out the full lyrics here . I am...

Let me preface this by pointing out that we have a deaf, epileptic Great Dane, a one-eyed cat, and a slew of young cats outside that we just haven't been able to part with. Love for animals abounds here. It seems we have a critter fest going on around here lately. In mid-September there was the Great Goose Massacre courtesy of a visiting alligator. Two weeks ago we had the Invasion of the Bees that left nearly 100 dead bees in its wake. Last week was the Demise of the Rattler. Alan heard a strange sound when he walked out on the porch last Sunday. He thought at first that it was a large dragonfly caught in the screen. It turns out that it was a rattle snake, coiled up and ready to strike. He says that he will never get the rattling sound out of his head, but I think he was a bit more freaked out at the thought of watching one of the kittens get struck by the snake. (Bonsai was apparently completely willing to risk his life to investigate the snake.) His first words to me when he pi...

We had state testing today. This is rather insignificant except for the fact that my classroom was unreasonably cold and one student wanted her jacket. Since it was in her bookbag, I had to get it for her. I found her jacket nested beneath plastic bags filled with hair. My only thought was, "Hmm, so this explains why no one ever has paper in class and why it can take twenty minutes to find a pen." We may never get our classwork done or homework turned in. But thank God, we have extra hair!

Thursday night I flew to Ohio to help my grandmother with a yard sale. It's been an absolutely gorgeous weekend so far with bright blue skies, a light breeze, and changing autumn leaves. I love the 70/50 temperatures, especially since my dear husband is at home fighting mosquitoes and fog and soaking humidity. We went over to my cousin's house last night for an outdoor fire party. It was a blast. I love watching burning embers dancing in the night sky and the smell of smoke in the air. I still haven't decided if it's the lure of the weather or comraderie among friends and family, but I can't help but wonder why people ever leave this behind for Florida. But they do, and I'm certainly the result of such decisions. I'm having fun with my cousin's kids who found great joy in playing catch with me. This fun game involves me standing at one end of the yard and having two soccer balls and a football thrown at me at once. I wish I had a video of me trying to ca...

Okay, it's been so long now since I've posted anything significant here that it just feels a bit weird to even touch the keyboard. I don't know where to begin. I don't know when to stop. Ugh. I want to tell you about the untimely end of our pet geese. At the hands of a small alligator that showed up just long enough to help himself to a free dinner. And how it all happened right after we finally trained them to go back in their pen at night. And I really want to share about walking into my kitchen one afternoon and discovering more than 30 bees flying around. For three days I felt like I was living in a bad horror film. I wouldn't want to leave out some classroom anecdotes and story ideas. Then there's the excitement I felt seeing Three Rivers Stadium from a plane tonight. My mind is churning regularly even if my typing isn't.

While I collect my thoughts and finishing working on my new and improved site design, I thought I'd share a fun little story that happened last Friday in class. Keep in mind, these are high school juniors. Student 1: Miss, you look like a kid today. Me: I do? Student 2: (shaking head) Your hair. Me: Oh yeah? So you think I can pass for 17? Student 2: (in deep thought) Hmmm, no, but I think you could pass for 36. Student 1: Yeah, 36. Me: 36? I'm not even 36 yet? Student 2: (eyes wide open) You're not? What about 26? Is that good?