While I was in Santo Domingo last week visiting my love and meeting his family, we hit the streets one day to explore the Cuidad Colonial. This is the oldest part of the city--in fact, the first city established by the Spanish explorers in the fifteenth century. It was a delightful day, despite the rain that started to fall not long after we left the house, and we walked hand in hand and talked all afternoon. My carino takes many pictures. When he was here in the States, he always had his camera or iPod with him and snapped photos regularly and randomly. Watching his process was an interesting experience for me because I have in the last few years turned into one of those photographers always looking for the perfect artistic shot to capture my moments. Armed with my limited photography knowledge, I'd agonize over the lighting and texture and make mental notes about which shots I would later adjust. The result is a collection of interesting and beautiful photographs. Yet, I also no...

The wee hours of the morning are my favorite time of day. The world is still and filled with a subtle sense of promise just before the new day unfolds. I've savored this precious time across the country and never seem to get enough of it. But I like this time on my own terms. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00. I looked at the clock, closed my eyes, and tried to drift back into what slumber I could still get in the next hour. No such luck! Instead, I crawled out of bed and went out to my porch to enjoy what I could. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me, but I haven't slept in 3 days. I've been waking every hour, and nothing is worse than opening your eyes just to see 1:00...2:13...3:07...4:42. I'm not a big fan of sleep, but I do like to get at least 4 or 5 straight hours of shut-eye. I'm coasting through my day on energy fumes! Anyway, if I've learned anything in my time on this earth, I know to listen to my body. Something's up in my world. I don...

I'm in the Orlando area this weekend. I've spent a delightful few days surrounded by and laughing with loved ones and am now soaking in a few hours completely to myself in my favorite coffee shop in Kissimmee. Spending the afternoon in the town where I lived for the majority of my married life is a bittersweet feeling. So much has changed that I barely recognize the street corners. At the same time, no amount of real estate development can strip the landmarks etched into my memory of the life I lived here. While stopped at a light in front of Old Town, I felt an unfamiliar twinge in my heart. I know that place well because for a few years it was the source of one of my few joys. In the darkest days of my marriage I would drive out to Old Town, buy some tickets, and ride the Scrambler. As I was thrown from side to side in the carriage, lights strobing around my eyes, I would laugh. No matter how crappy I felt inside, I could laugh sitting there. So I would ride as much as possib...

Perhaps the greatest surprise for me in the aftermath of my divorce has been what other people have to say about what I have been and should be doing with my life...especially dating. During a recent conversation I made the remark, "everyone has fifty-million pieces of conflicting advice". Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the advice. What I don't get is how to sort through it all. I'm not kidding...it's all completely contradictory. I'm slowly coming to the realization that none of it matters in the end. What does matter is finding what resonates with me and trusting that. I'll be honest. It scares the hell out of me. I don't like to make mistakes. I prefer to know the outcome before I get started. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever reach the point when I can honestly sit back and say, "Whatever happens, happens." Then again, that's pretty much how I see it all. This path before me is filled with possibilities, and I like t...

I know this will come as a complete shock to anyone who knows me, but yesterday I was given the official diagnosis of "wrapped-too-tight". What? Me? The super hero of all super heroes? This reminds me of my favorite line in Five for Fighting's "Superman": Even heroes have the right to bleed. I'm trying to "bleed" now, and this is not a simple task for someone who carries the weight of her world around on her slumped shoulders. To say that I've been "under pressure" lately is the understatement of the century, and I'm one of those people who carry stress so well that I don't notice it. Interrupted sleep. Jolts running through my muscles. Weird pains in my back and legs. Racing thoughts. I push through the subtle warning signs in a frantic attempt to duct tape my world together and keep up the appearance that it's all under control. It's not. Well, not completely. And that duct tape is just so tempting. Armed with this n...

One of the regular refrains I hear from the people around me is about my attitude. "That's a healthy way to see things." "You're such an inspiration." "I don't know how you smile the way you do." The truth is that I don't see any other option. Each day I have to make one of two choices: wallow in a sea of self-pity and mistakes or accept what is in front of me and move on from there. Each day--sometimes with more of a struggle than others--I make the choice to move. The fact of the matter is that I married a man who was dishonest with and unfaithful to me. We should be divorced in a few days. I now live alone. I have to do yard work. I don't get to kiss anyone good night. This is my life. And there's still life there. I eat. I laugh. I talk. I smile. Life is moving forward, and I am moving with it. It's the only choice that makes sense.

Have you ever read the short story, The Lady or the Tiger? The language is rather archaic, but the premise of the story will haunt you for weeks. A man and princess are madly in love, but her father doesn't want them together. He treats the man as a criminal for loving his daughter and punishes him by placing him in an arena and forcing him to choose one of two doors. Behind one door is a fierce tiger that will immediately eat him. A beautiful woman waits behind the other door, ready to marry him. The princess, of course, finds out what is behind each door, and she signals to her lover which door to choose. That's when the story ends, and you, as the reader, must decide whether she allowed her lover to live the rest of their lives with someone else or die. I've always maintained that she watched him die that day. I find it hard to believe that someone who has experienced such passionate torrents of love could ever continue life knowing that the former beloved is still brea...

The greatest blessing in my life today is the ability to run on that heavenly treadmill at my gym. I am overflowing with gratitude from every fiber of my being for my two legs (even the aching knee), that glorious machine made of plastic and gears and moving band, and Linkin Park. I needed some decent music for running today, and still haven't figured out what brand of crack I was smoking when I decided that "Joy to the World" and "Hips Don't Lie" were good choices for a running workout. As I frantically searched my iPod for something...anything with a pounding beat that could blast away all the crap in my head, I clicked on " Don't Stay " by Linkin Park. "Don't stay...forget our memories." And I clicked repeat. "Just give me myself back, and don't stay." And I clicked repeat. "I don't need one more day of you wasting me away." And I clicked repeat. It was heaven. The song shouted and screamed and pound...

I've hesitated blogging lately because my life is completely consumed with the end of the school year and my impending divorce. It seems self-centered and not terribly exciting, but it is my life. I also think that some of these new insights might help someone else. And if I've learned anything from the years of marriage counseling I've been through, the advice works in many more situations in life than just your marriage. So here goes. I went to see a divorce counselor this week to help guide me through the next few months as I navigate these new waters. I'm impressed so far. I like a third party who isn't afraid to tell me like it is. And he did. He also gave me a few ground rules like "no boyfriends for at least six months" (I'm looking for ways around that one) and sent me home for a week to create a list of what I like. The homework assignment alone has generated some interesting conversations with friends. Try it. What do you like? My answers hav...

I started to apologize for this post because it is completely self-serving. Then I realized that it's MY BLOG, and I can write ALL ABOUT ME as MUCH AS I WANT. I feel better. Seriously, though. With a divorce looming just ahead, I've been forced to re-consider much of my life and asking lots and lots of questions. For the last ten years, I've been part of a two-some. A couple. Like any other couple, my life was not entirely my own. I participated in interests and activities that were not always my own...happily. A decade of this creates a very comfortable setting. One that has been stripped away. The scariest part of this whole process is trying to figure out ME. The good news is that I feel and see the real me slowly seeping out of my pores and taking hold. That's fun, like reconnecting with an old friend. At the same times, it's hard work separating yourself from the two-some and carving out what is essentially a very self-centered life for now. What are my interes...

I've been thinking a lot lately about decisions and how they shape the outcomes of our lives. I know that's a fairly obvious obsersvation, but I'm in one of those introspective moments that forces you to really consider some what-ifs and how-the-hell-did-that-happens. As I look at the course behind me, I can't help but think of how much I've sacrificed and accepted and been affected by the choices of both myself and my loved ones. The course before me is lined with so many possibilities that I was at first overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. Some decisions have been easy. I know where I will work and live. Others, not so much. Who do I want as part of my life? What is best for me? Someone asked me the other night what I like to do for fun, and I was dumbfounded. I couldn't answer a simple question about myself. I've been bombarded lately with the advice of some well-meaning people who say things like, "Just let it all go and the good stuff will find...