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Aching

I've had one of "those" days when I was seriously tempted to go back to bed at 11:30 and not wake up until the sunrise tomorrow morning. Something within me was just a little of kilter. I couldn't explain it. I didn't even realize it was there until I snapped at my husband while he was home for lunch. He gave me one of those, "I'm really glad we don't have a loaded gun in the house" looks as he went back to work.

I washed dishes. I cried. Loudly. And dripped tears in the dish water. The dogs and I went out the front porch and sat in the breeze. I cried. Longer. Louder. Harder. I prayed. I'm a little ashamed of some of what came out of my mouth, but I believe that God understands better than anyone both my heart and my humanity. When my tears traded themselves for a pounding headache, we went back inside.

A few hours later I finally realized what was wrong. Someone in my family is giving birth today. I go through this anytime a baby is born to my family or friends. It's the ache of my soul crying out today. My brother and I had this conversation not long ago, and I tried explaining to him the conflicting feelings at work within me.

Wanting a baby is a desire unlike anything else. There is the desire itself which is overwhelming and sometimes physically painful. Then there is the anger that inevitably wells up when you hear about a pregnant teenager or a pregnant woman who doesn't want the baby. Add to that the guilt you feel for being angry and the shame you feel for not being a bigger person. And nothing is worse than hearing a pregnant woman complain about being pregnant! On top of this, there is always someone waiting in the wings to berate you for not being happy enough for another person. Believe it or not, I am happy for others, but that happiness doesn't negate my own pain and my pain doesn't make my joy any less genuine.

It's not any easier on pregnant women. Everyone around me knows how much I want a baby, so they all tip-toe around the subject, afraid to hurt my feelings. But you know what? My feelings are already hurt, and someone else's joy isn't going to do a thing to change them or hurt them even more. I'm going to cry. I'm going to be angry. I'm going to cringe as I buy onesies and wipes and diapers for the shower. I'm probably going to crochet a blanket and dream of the colors I want in my own nursery some day.

That's just the way life works. The pain and the joy mix together in the most unlikely and inconvenient moments. It sucks right now, but I will face tomorrow bravely. And each day after that. If there's one thing I've learned in the last few months, it's that God has His hand on my life. He is directing me even when I don't understand what is going on.

I certainly don't get it today, but I am excited about meeting the newest family member.
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Christy said…
I think that, sometimes, it's OK to stay in bed, or to cry and yell at God.
7:03 PM
Anonymous said…
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1:45 PM
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