Last night I went for a walk. There's always been something about being outside under the night sky that allows me to connect...to slow my mind...to process the tidal wave of thoughts that often wreak havoc on my brain.
There's so much there right now.
This is the perfect time for me to pray, and I meander along the sidewalk with occasional glances up toward the stars. This is also when I find that odd little phrases spill out of my mouth. I've learned to pay attention to them, as they have often proved themselves true.
Last night?
"I just don't like myself right now."
Instantly, I heard the words of Brene Brown in my head: shame happens when the way we are does not match up with the way we want to be perceived.
I want to be perceived as intelligent. Lately, though, I've made some seriously stupid mistakes. I am skipping sleep and not taking care of myself the way I should. I think people are looking at me and thinking, "How can someone so smart be so stupid." Interestingly enough, that's something my ex-husband said to me on a regular basis.
I want to be perceived as a creative free-thinker. Right now I feel stuck at work because I am so overloaded with the schedule they gave me that I cannot be creative in the way I teach. Between classes and work and trying to find time for things that make me happy--like running and friends and family and making art, I feel like a slave to a schedule.
I want to be connected. This is a strange one because I just want a family to share my life with. I have an amazing man who usually is able to say what my heart needs to hear. However, he's in another country and creating our family is not so simple when we are living so far apart. I need the daily interaction of my family--that doesn't exist yet.
I just need a little place of peace, but the 8-inch stack of papers on my dining room table and the boxes left over from yesterday's yard sale and the broken window and roof leak don't seem to offer me any solace in the madness.
Perhaps I will paint.
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