The elevator door opened to a simply furnished lobby, and a kind man greeted us. I explained that we had a 4 p.m. appointment, to which he replied that the appointment was for 3. As soon as I could, I checked my phone to see the text message I sent immediately after making the appointment. It was for 4. I knew it was for 4 because there was no way we could have made it there in time for a 3:00 appointment.
This was an interesting experience for me because I didn't feel the need to prove I was right. I didn't berate myself or question myself. I know the time of the appointment I set. End of story. Unfortunately, this isn't always easy to do when someone presents information different from what you know to be true, In fact, sometimes it's really difficult.
There is a term in the therapy world called gaslighting. Named for a movie in which a husband keeps a gas light burning all night yet tells his wife that it's not on. He essentially convinces her that she's crazy. I never knew there were people in the world who actually did this until a few years ago when I saw a student miming smoking a joint with a piece of rolled up paper. I quietly asked him to put the paper away and stop. His response was that he didn't do anything. He even argued that he did not have the piece of paper in his hand--that he was still holding!
I've dealt with more than my fair share of gaslighting in the form of "that's not what that meant" and "you did ___." Just today, I received a lovely text message: "You didn't cook anything yesterday, so I didn't eat anything." (In case you're wondering, that inaction was the cause of a slew of problems leading up to the point I was yelled at.) Other text gems include, "You sit there on your phone all night, and I can only imagine who you're talking to" or "You're so dramatic" or "No one else reacts like that."
For the record, I did, in fact, cook two full meals yesterday. He did not eat either one. I then cooked again at midnight. He did not eat. I also do not generally have my phone with me when I am at home. Ask my friends and family. Only two people in my life have ever called me dramatic. I'm generally the cool girl, Finally, very few women openly tolerate being called whore or ignore a man who is openly having inappropriate conversations with other women. Trust me, I've seen the messages from the other women when they find out he's a liar.
I'm getting better at dealing with this technique, but I still make a phone call every now and then to double check my perspective. As a side note, if you have someone in your life dealing with a difficult person, sometimes all they need is a reminder that the behavior is not normal. Gaslighting is insidious because you really do question your own reality, and it gets worse over time.
The lesson for me that day with the appointment was that I know what I know. I don't have to argue about it. I don't have to explain myself. It's enough to know. That day, I explained to man that I thought it was 4, and that's why we showed up when we did. In these other situations, well. Some days it takes considerable effort to remind myself that something like vulgar name calling is disrespectful or that I really don't have my phone in my hand (although someone else around here is never without one).
And if I call you for a reality check, just remind me that this behavior isn't normal.
This was an interesting experience for me because I didn't feel the need to prove I was right. I didn't berate myself or question myself. I know the time of the appointment I set. End of story. Unfortunately, this isn't always easy to do when someone presents information different from what you know to be true, In fact, sometimes it's really difficult.
There is a term in the therapy world called gaslighting. Named for a movie in which a husband keeps a gas light burning all night yet tells his wife that it's not on. He essentially convinces her that she's crazy. I never knew there were people in the world who actually did this until a few years ago when I saw a student miming smoking a joint with a piece of rolled up paper. I quietly asked him to put the paper away and stop. His response was that he didn't do anything. He even argued that he did not have the piece of paper in his hand--that he was still holding!
I've dealt with more than my fair share of gaslighting in the form of "that's not what that meant" and "you did ___." Just today, I received a lovely text message: "You didn't cook anything yesterday, so I didn't eat anything." (In case you're wondering, that inaction was the cause of a slew of problems leading up to the point I was yelled at.) Other text gems include, "You sit there on your phone all night, and I can only imagine who you're talking to" or "You're so dramatic" or "No one else reacts like that."
For the record, I did, in fact, cook two full meals yesterday. He did not eat either one. I then cooked again at midnight. He did not eat. I also do not generally have my phone with me when I am at home. Ask my friends and family. Only two people in my life have ever called me dramatic. I'm generally the cool girl, Finally, very few women openly tolerate being called whore or ignore a man who is openly having inappropriate conversations with other women. Trust me, I've seen the messages from the other women when they find out he's a liar.
I'm getting better at dealing with this technique, but I still make a phone call every now and then to double check my perspective. As a side note, if you have someone in your life dealing with a difficult person, sometimes all they need is a reminder that the behavior is not normal. Gaslighting is insidious because you really do question your own reality, and it gets worse over time.
The lesson for me that day with the appointment was that I know what I know. I don't have to argue about it. I don't have to explain myself. It's enough to know. That day, I explained to man that I thought it was 4, and that's why we showed up when we did. In these other situations, well. Some days it takes considerable effort to remind myself that something like vulgar name calling is disrespectful or that I really don't have my phone in my hand (although someone else around here is never without one).
And if I call you for a reality check, just remind me that this behavior isn't normal.
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