Skip to main content

My Christmas Morning

I've been feeling rather reflective these last few days as I've watched life and death work its wonder. I'm sad. I've been sad for a while, but I've been afraid to admit it to myself. Admitting this means so much more than fessing up to the emotion underlying all the complaining and hiding I've been doing. Admitting to the sadness means letting go of something that I let define me...something I've let define me for more than 20 years.

Yeah, we go way back, and letting go of something that's been part of your life for so long is really tough. Yet, I've been in enough therapy to know that until I acknowledge and deal with the emotions that connect me to this...this...thing, moving forward will be difficult. Honestly, I think my failure to deal (whatever that means) with this is the reason so much of my life feels stagnant. My thyroid. My weight. My creativity.

But today is Christmas. I ran out last night to return a shirt, and the clerk asked me if I was ready for Christmas. My response was a shoulder shrug. "Honestly, it's just another day." He agreed with me and mentioned that his family tends to go overboard. I don't get it. I'm sure there have been years when I enjoyed Christmas, and I know for a fact that I was overwhelmed with joy that year my colleagues and I threw a special Christmas party for the underprivileged kids at our school. Other than that...meh.

I mean, I'm glad that other people really get into the season, but it stresses me. The crowds. The shopping. The traveling. All I want to do is sit home with my dogs, wear pajamas all day, and watch t.v. while curled  up under a blanket. But in the spirit of the season, I'm going to put real clothes on and drive up to see my family. I'll eat, chat with my nephews and sister, force everyone to take some photos and bide my time until I'm back in the car listening to a podcast. I love my family, but I enjoy my time with them more when there's not a throng of people raising the decibel levels.

I know this is all rather melancholy, so I'll finish with a few things that make me smile right now and warm my heart with gratitude.

1. My dogs
2. Running as the sun rises
3. God's provision
4. Podcasts

Merry Christmas!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stalking a Pirate

Prepared we were not to cross Captain Jack's path late in the summer of ten, with the sun bearing down as we wandered the town where the Koreshans once lived. But he nodded. We smiled and went on our way, rolling it all in our heads. We giggled and talked and suddenly stopped to turn back and run after him. You see love for a pirate and sailing the seas rest deep in a gypsy girl's soul, where she dreams of the day he will take her away to find a new place in the world. So we followed his swagger as he wound through the woods and stopped to take in the sights. You know when chance comes to call you must answer with all because sometimes she doesn't seek twice. There we tracked Captain Jack on the seashell lined path and dreamed of the life that he lived With his swashbuckling ways that man made our day late in the summer of ten. You know love for a pirate and an adventurer's life lie deep in a gypsy girl's soul, where she dreams of the world she has yet to explore an...
2 comments
Read more

Trying to Keep It All Together

The title of this post is a bit of a misnomer. Just this morning I said, "I'm having a hard time getting it together right now." I'm in one of those periods when showing up is the best I can offer, and I can't even guarantee that. That said, I just popped on here to share that I'm struggling. I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now. Some of it is easy to spot. Some of it I've tucked away because it's either terribly painful or terribly embarrassing--at least to me. Some of it was inevitable. Some of it was a surprise. All of it rises up into the center of my chest and begs me to stop for a moment to acknowledge it. It's doing that right now even as I type this. I'm having a hard time getting it together right now.
Post a Comment
Read more

Warning Signs

This post has been sitting on my computer for the last few weeks. In the wake of this week, the message seems even more appropriate. *** For several months now, the service engine light has been on and off...mostly on. I've taken it to the mechanic several times, and he's pulled the code and checked out all the usual suspects before calling me to pick it up. There have even been a few times that it goes off on its own. And then comes back on. It's a bit of a waiting game, as I'm waiting until someone finally figures out what's going on. I was thinking about the service engine light this morning on the way to work and comparing it to how many times in life we talk about missing the warning signs. It's a convenient response, kind of like, "stay strong" or "she's in a better place now." Those empty words that fill an uncomfortable space and are usually best left unsaid. The truth, which sometimes seems to be messier, is that warning...
Post a Comment
Read more