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Suffocating

I'm on repeat right now. It's after 10. I'm half paying attention to the television while the rest of my brain is berating me for not doing the writing work I need to do and hoping I don't burn the dinner that no one will eat. I just checked the rice. It looks okay.

I'm miserable. Sad. Melancholy. I'm a walking checklist for depression. Without any obvious trigger, I start to cry, sometimes small trickles of tears and sometimes gasping sobs. I spend most of my waking moments wishing I could just go to sleep and much of the night watching reruns that don't make me laugh. I'd love to laugh.

I'm late for work every day. My house is a wreck. Most of my conversations--even with my best friends--consist of me nodding and filing away in my head some really mean things I want to say. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. A really long time. I'm almost to the point that I want to ask the doctor for meds, but making an appointment is a daunting task.

The only anchor I'm clinging to is that the Earth is still moving around the sun. Tomorrow will arrive. Next year will show up. At some point along the way there has to be a moment of clarity or an answer. I take that back. THIS is my moment of clarity. Now I'm just waiting for an answer and praying like hell that I'll survive long enough to figure it out.

Comments

CountessLaurie said…
I'm so sorry for your struggle. I have been feeling much the same. There are several huge things going on in my life that are overwhelming me. I also just started thyroid medication. I wonder how much is the stress and how much might be the medication causing it. I will be calling the doctor soon. I don't think we should wait much longer. Even if it's just to help us through the roughest part. Hugs to you!!
3:20 PM
frabjouspoet said…
Thank you so much for sharing! It does help to know others go through the same thing. I hope you feel better soon!
3:30 PM
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