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Guilt

I have an interesting relationship with guilt. Growing up in a protestant home (an odd mixture of Assemblies of God and Southern Baptist), I was always told the Catholics are guilt-ridden. Hmm, I disagree. My biggest enemy sometimes is the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that I carry through my life.

It goes something like this...

Last night, I went out with some friends to this fabulous piano bar. We sat in the front and listened to the music, laughed at the antics, carried on screaming conversations, danced when the mood struck, and drank vodka and cranberry juice. I stayed longer than I planned, especially when my friend and I sat in my car talking until 2 a.m. That's it. I had a ton of fun. I'm really more of a homebody, so this was a refreshing change of pace. I'm probably good for a few months now.

So this morning I woke at 11:00 (way past my usual time), and it hit me. Am I really a bad person? Why is it that hanging out with my friends, dancing, and imbibing just a little seems so sinful? Nowhere in the Bible does it say there is anything wrong with that. I didn't break a commandment. And yet, my heart was heavy, my soul burdened...with the same feeling I get when I really do something wrong like lying or stealing.

Where does this guilt come from? It is a gift from God to enjoy life. Yet, I think I reject this gift too often for fear of unintentional sin. The heart is shameful. The mind is deceitful. And all of it is temporal.

I'm thankful for my upbringing. I'm grateful that I know my Creator. I just wish I could escape from the shame more to enjoy the life that I've been given. So I've decided that when I feel the condemnation from my own head, I need to review what's gone on...accept what I need to accept...and just enjoy the moments given to me.

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