Skip to main content

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

I'm feeling a little melodramatic right now. I've seen two doctors now. One (my GP) gave me two options for what's going on on my leg. The other (dermatologist) said one of the previous options was more likely. I prefer that diagnosis, but it's funny how the mind works. Even though I want to believe the dermatologist, my mind keeps searching for other signs that my GP is right.

Maybe I am a hypochondriac. When something is awry, I immediately begin searching for all the possibilities. Last December my right foot started going numb. My final conclusion was that is must be MS. After several encouragements to "not stress" and a painful EMG, I received a "You do have some nerve damage, but I don't think it's MS" conclusion.

I said all that to say that I know the way I think. I want answers immediately and with assurance. I've been face to face lately with my desire to control all aspects of my life and coming to grips with the fact that I have so little control. I guess that's the crux of it for me now.

In the back of my mind, I really believe that I have this all-consuming power to control not only my reactions, but also those around me. I actually accept the guilt for other people. I saw on Dr. Phil earlier a woman who didn't want to tell a waiter that he was awful because she thought he might get fired over it and kill himself. That seems so drastic, but I so identify with her.

I titled this "The Valley of the Shadow of Death" because although I'm not dying (that I know of :)), I think I'm slowly beginning to see how the Lord guides us through trying situations. This crazy part of my mind is telling me "That's it! You're damaged now! It's all over!" I'm still scared. I'm still in the dark. I'm still confused. I know that I'm supposed to rest in His care right now, but I'm finding it's so hard to just lie in those green pastures.

Why is it that I think I can control the whole world? Why do I feel the need to jump in and take over for the creator of the universe? It seems easier. It seems like I'm in control.

So I guess I'll experiment a little and see if I can figure out just what this resting is supposed to look like. I'm not even sure if I know how to let people take resposibility for themselves. It's worth a shot.

Comments

Rebecca Jeffries-Hyman said…
Please keep us up-to-date on your diagnosis - I'm keeping you in prayer and am worried for you. Rest assured that your soul is alive and well underneath whatever crusty goo it's surrounded with:) Otherwise, it wouldn't bother you in the least, and you'd probably have no urge to dig for it. From one melodramatic fool to another, hang in there and call me if you need to!
- Christy
1:13 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Restless Soul

Someone recently told me that I have an impulsive streak. ("Just an observation, not a criticism.") My initial reaction was to vehemently deny that statement despite the fact that I had just confessed to walking into Total Wine and buying $200 worth of wine just because it seemed like a good idea at 11:00 on a Thursday morning. Me? Impulsive? Don't answer that, especially if you know the truth. I shared this with my therapist yesterday and his eyes lit up when I said, "I think I have a restless soul." The fact that his eyes lit up is significant since we spend most of my sessions arguing with each other about ideas like whether or not a book he recommended is filled with psychobabble bullsh*t or why I should do a bit more thinking with my heart instead of my head. For once, he agreed with me and quickly pointed out that this is not necessarily a bad trait. In fact, it's what stirs my needs to explore and to write. It's also the reason why I don't, by...
5 comments
Read more

Gators and Bees and Snakes...Oh My!

Let me preface this by pointing out that we have a deaf, epileptic Great Dane, a one-eyed cat, and a slew of young cats outside that we just haven't been able to part with. Love for animals abounds here. It seems we have a critter fest going on around here lately. In mid-September there was the Great Goose Massacre courtesy of a visiting alligator. Two weeks ago we had the Invasion of the Bees that left nearly 100 dead bees in its wake. Last week was the Demise of the Rattler. Alan heard a strange sound when he walked out on the porch last Sunday. He thought at first that it was a large dragonfly caught in the screen. It turns out that it was a rattle snake, coiled up and ready to strike. He says that he will never get the rattling sound out of his head, but I think he was a bit more freaked out at the thought of watching one of the kittens get struck by the snake. (Bonsai was apparently completely willing to risk his life to investigate the snake.) His first words to me when he pi...
5 comments
Read more

Frustrated Readers Make Great Fans

I haven’t felt this betrayed by a story line since Neo learned that not only was he not the first person to challenge the Matrix, but he was part of the plan all along. Even though I was sorely disappointed in what appeared to be a cop-out story line, I can understand the logic in that disappointing plot twist. I can’t say the same for Stephenie Meyer’s conclusion to her wildly popular “Twilight” series. Look, I’ve read each of the first three books at least twice, and my grad school entrance paper was a character analysis of Edward Cullen. I loved these books. I read “New Moon” and “Eclipse” in a single day. I’ve been discussing the plot lines and characters with my students for the last two years. It was a long wait for this final book. And a huge part of me wishes I was still waiting. It was that much of a letdown. I’m still debating just how to tiptoe through my inevitable conversations with students about this part of the “Twilight” saga. My students were embarrassed enough by th...
5 comments
Read more