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The Valley of the Shadow of Death

I'm feeling a little melodramatic right now. I've seen two doctors now. One (my GP) gave me two options for what's going on on my leg. The other (dermatologist) said one of the previous options was more likely. I prefer that diagnosis, but it's funny how the mind works. Even though I want to believe the dermatologist, my mind keeps searching for other signs that my GP is right.

Maybe I am a hypochondriac. When something is awry, I immediately begin searching for all the possibilities. Last December my right foot started going numb. My final conclusion was that is must be MS. After several encouragements to "not stress" and a painful EMG, I received a "You do have some nerve damage, but I don't think it's MS" conclusion.

I said all that to say that I know the way I think. I want answers immediately and with assurance. I've been face to face lately with my desire to control all aspects of my life and coming to grips with the fact that I have so little control. I guess that's the crux of it for me now.

In the back of my mind, I really believe that I have this all-consuming power to control not only my reactions, but also those around me. I actually accept the guilt for other people. I saw on Dr. Phil earlier a woman who didn't want to tell a waiter that he was awful because she thought he might get fired over it and kill himself. That seems so drastic, but I so identify with her.

I titled this "The Valley of the Shadow of Death" because although I'm not dying (that I know of :)), I think I'm slowly beginning to see how the Lord guides us through trying situations. This crazy part of my mind is telling me "That's it! You're damaged now! It's all over!" I'm still scared. I'm still in the dark. I'm still confused. I know that I'm supposed to rest in His care right now, but I'm finding it's so hard to just lie in those green pastures.

Why is it that I think I can control the whole world? Why do I feel the need to jump in and take over for the creator of the universe? It seems easier. It seems like I'm in control.

So I guess I'll experiment a little and see if I can figure out just what this resting is supposed to look like. I'm not even sure if I know how to let people take resposibility for themselves. It's worth a shot.

Comments

Rebecca Jeffries-Hyman said…
Please keep us up-to-date on your diagnosis - I'm keeping you in prayer and am worried for you. Rest assured that your soul is alive and well underneath whatever crusty goo it's surrounded with:) Otherwise, it wouldn't bother you in the least, and you'd probably have no urge to dig for it. From one melodramatic fool to another, hang in there and call me if you need to!
- Christy
1:13 PM
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