One of the more interesting parts of dating in my thirties has been the ex-files. At this stage in life, it's inevitable that my date and I both have stories of dates (and partners) past. These stories seep out over time, and you know I'm a sucker for the story about anyone's life. I like to listen to them. After hearing about "the one who got away" and "the one who never left" and "the one who called six times in a row at two in the morning crying," I wondered about my story. What does my "ex-file" say about me? I can't even answer that question because it's entirely framed in the perspective of the other person. Like everyone else, I like to think that my exes remember me as a beautiful, generous, and fun woman. Yet, I know there's a possibility that they frame me in the light of my flaws. Sometimes I wish I could be in the room listening to the new woman as she hears the story of "this woman I dated". None of ...

The wee hours of the morning are my favorite time of day. The world is still and filled with a subtle sense of promise just before the new day unfolds. I've savored this precious time across the country and never seem to get enough of it. But I like this time on my own terms. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00. I looked at the clock, closed my eyes, and tried to drift back into what slumber I could still get in the next hour. No such luck! Instead, I crawled out of bed and went out to my porch to enjoy what I could. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me, but I haven't slept in 3 days. I've been waking every hour, and nothing is worse than opening your eyes just to see 1:00...2:13...3:07...4:42. I'm not a big fan of sleep, but I do like to get at least 4 or 5 straight hours of shut-eye. I'm coasting through my day on energy fumes! Anyway, if I've learned anything in my time on this earth, I know to listen to my body. Something's up in my world. I don...

Since the writer in me has re-emerged, I thought it only fitting to get off my butt and do something with it. So I joined a local writers group that meets on Tuesdays. I RSVPed for tonight's meeting and cranked out an essay about saying good-bye. With my wares in hand, I drove to the meeting. And drove. And drove. And drove. Why do buildings not put their address number on the outside? Will I ever learn to get directions BEFORE I leave the house? I never found the coffeeshop. I suppose tonight wasn't supposed to be my night. It's a good essay. Really good. I read it to a friend tonight over the phone. She loved the essay, but was surprised to hear that I was so willing to share such a personal story with strangers. I guess she hasn't read my blog. I can't imagine NOT sharing personal informaton with strangers. Since I didn't get to do it in the glory of a coffeeshop, I'll share a little bit here with my friends in cyberland. So grab a cup of your favorite ho...

Ok, so once again I'm running behind on my to-do list. I recently started reading Randy Alcorn's new book, If God is Good and was supposed to post a review last week. So here goes. As the title says, this book takes a look at the question, "if God is good, then why is there evil in the world?" It has some interesting answers. Most were not new to me, but some were interesting. I had never before heard of the "open theist" view that asserts that evil is in the world because God has limited knowledge of how humans will use what is given to us. Alcorn presents the case against this view very clearly. I like the question and answer format because it allows you to peruse the topics at your leisure. All in all, it looks like a decent book that serious tackles the issue at hand.

I feel like I should explain a bit about the crazy busy-ness of my life these days. Someone asked me last week how it was possible to be a single woman without children and never seem to have available time. I have no real answer for that question. This fullness has been exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time. I've found comraderie that I never had in my marriage and have enjoyed the freedom to plan my time as I see fit. That means that I don't have to consider anyone else's interests or feelings. I've been busy sucking up this marrow in my life. I'll be honest. I'm not sure what I've been doing lately is interesting enough to other people to warrant a post here. Do you really want to hear about my classroom? Or dates? Or my daily naps in the early evening? Or the night I sat in front of the turned off t.v. and stared while my thoughts ran rampant? Somewhere in the thoughts swarming in my head, I lost track of something I really wanted to share. I ...

I'm a relatively practical person when it comes to interactions with other people. I don't know if that is just the result of my life experiences or my interest in psychology. Not that that matters, of course. What does matter is that I boil things down to a few simple equations. human+human=sticky situations human drama+me=I'm outta here I've learned, often the hard way, that I don't need extra complications in my life. There are enough there already. What I don't understand is why people feel the need to let the drama brew and fester and turn into an emotional infection that leaves scar tissue in its wake. Take, for instance, what I recently said to someone about my view of human relationships. In a perfect world, I like some qualities in another person and would like to have them as part of my life. If they feel the same way about me, great. If not, that's great, too, because I only want to be surrounded by people who also want to surround me. I guess thi...

A few weeks ago I spent some time in one of the most interesting, uncomfortable conversations of my life. I have never before talked with someone who probed as deeply as this man did into the far recesses of my brain. I spent the rest of the afternoon deep in thought trying to recover the emotional side of my being. I've since been told that this is what it's like to talk to me. I mention this because I've been very aware lately of how my communication style is very different from most everyone else's. Some people call it being direct. I've called it "turning my brain inside out". Today I found a new description: "for the sake of expressing your truth". That's it. As I roll around this line in my head, I can't help but wonder why more people cannot grasp this concept. I know the answer, but it still doesn't seem adequate. You see, truth is truth. I've talked openly about going through intensive therapy sessions. I've told peop...

I'm in the Orlando area this weekend. I've spent a delightful few days surrounded by and laughing with loved ones and am now soaking in a few hours completely to myself in my favorite coffee shop in Kissimmee. Spending the afternoon in the town where I lived for the majority of my married life is a bittersweet feeling. So much has changed that I barely recognize the street corners. At the same time, no amount of real estate development can strip the landmarks etched into my memory of the life I lived here. While stopped at a light in front of Old Town, I felt an unfamiliar twinge in my heart. I know that place well because for a few years it was the source of one of my few joys. In the darkest days of my marriage I would drive out to Old Town, buy some tickets, and ride the Scrambler. As I was thrown from side to side in the carriage, lights strobing around my eyes, I would laugh. No matter how crappy I felt inside, I could laugh sitting there. So I would ride as much as possib...

I met a most extraordinary child today. She is a delightful third grader who stole my heart with her smile and bright blue eyes. We (her mother, grandmother, and siblings) sat on her grandmother's gorgeous wrap around porch taking in the gentle breeze blowing through the pine trees and palmettos. It's an old-Florida setting that makes me think of Majorie Kinnan Rawlings in the middle of the Florida scrub writing her novels. You cannot sit there without taking a deep breath and letting the heavy, late summer air soak into your skin and draw out your anxiety. Hannah drew imaginary drawings with her fingertips in the round wooden table and told us that she cannot wait until she is an adult and a teacher. Her older sister cautioned her that she didn't want to grow up fast because that meant she had to pay bills. Without skipping a beat, Hannah looked up and said, "Yes, I do want to pay my bills and have a job because that means I'm living my life. You have to live your...

Perhaps the greatest surprise for me in the aftermath of my divorce has been what other people have to say about what I have been and should be doing with my life...especially dating. During a recent conversation I made the remark, "everyone has fifty-million pieces of conflicting advice". Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the advice. What I don't get is how to sort through it all. I'm not kidding...it's all completely contradictory. I'm slowly coming to the realization that none of it matters in the end. What does matter is finding what resonates with me and trusting that. I'll be honest. It scares the hell out of me. I don't like to make mistakes. I prefer to know the outcome before I get started. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever reach the point when I can honestly sit back and say, "Whatever happens, happens." Then again, that's pretty much how I see it all. This path before me is filled with possibilities, and I like t...

I know this will come as a complete shock to anyone who knows me, but yesterday I was given the official diagnosis of "wrapped-too-tight". What? Me? The super hero of all super heroes? This reminds me of my favorite line in Five for Fighting's "Superman": Even heroes have the right to bleed. I'm trying to "bleed" now, and this is not a simple task for someone who carries the weight of her world around on her slumped shoulders. To say that I've been "under pressure" lately is the understatement of the century, and I'm one of those people who carry stress so well that I don't notice it. Interrupted sleep. Jolts running through my muscles. Weird pains in my back and legs. Racing thoughts. I push through the subtle warning signs in a frantic attempt to duct tape my world together and keep up the appearance that it's all under control. It's not. Well, not completely. And that duct tape is just so tempting. Armed with this n...

One of the regular refrains I hear from the people around me is about my attitude. "That's a healthy way to see things." "You're such an inspiration." "I don't know how you smile the way you do." The truth is that I don't see any other option. Each day I have to make one of two choices: wallow in a sea of self-pity and mistakes or accept what is in front of me and move on from there. Each day--sometimes with more of a struggle than others--I make the choice to move. The fact of the matter is that I married a man who was dishonest with and unfaithful to me. We should be divorced in a few days. I now live alone. I have to do yard work. I don't get to kiss anyone good night. This is my life. And there's still life there. I eat. I laugh. I talk. I smile. Life is moving forward, and I am moving with it. It's the only choice that makes sense.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now staring at my computer screen. I type a sentence, think about it for a minute, and then delete it. Words and ideas flood my head, but I can't seem to focus them in one direction long enough to complete a thought that is worthy of sharing with anyone. Right now I'm thinking of when I'm going to deal with yard work again, paying my ridiculously high cell phone bill, dating, divorce, running, my own self-image, the fact that I need to start feeding my body decent food, listing my house for sale, and the occasional reminder that I need to buy more water and cat food. And perhaps some food for myself. That's on my mind, but what I really want to share are some of the ideas I've been toying with in my head. The aging process for women. The joy of knowing you are exactly where you're supposed to be in life. The connectedness of the world around us. The process of carving out a life in line with your values. I even have a few more ...

My life seems to be evolving yet again before my very eyes. Remember when I said I wanted to get my degree and open a private therapy practice ? The reason I've always considered it as a career choice is because I want to share with people my view of life. It's not that I think I have all the answers, but I do think I have a gift for helping people live in the moment. That's my passion...experiencing each moment and milking it for all it's worth. Last night I was talking with a friend about fishing. He was sharing some stories about being out in the water and said something about how I could write a book about these stories. I laughed because that's EXACTLY what I thought the first time I heard any of them. He tells them with such enthusiasm and passion that I know if I could capture it in words, the book would be a best seller. I processed this while running this morning and thought about the common thread connecting all my book ideas. They are all about life exper...

I was asked tonight about the divorce and touched on the fact that it has been such a liberating experience for me. These pieces of myself that I'm recovering and using to piece together my life again are such an interesting array of brokenness. I didn't realize just how broken I was until the last few weeks, and certain moments make me more aware than others. I spent the afternoon and evening with some friends I met at work a few years ago when I first moved to this area. It was comforting to have a place to go for today's holiday, and it was just SO MUCH FUN! As we sat outside watching others' and producing our own fireworks displays, I was suddenly aware of the absolute peace I felt in the moment. For once, I wasn't worried about what time I needed to leave or listening to the conversation to make sure it wasn't boring or irritating to my significant other. There was no pressure...just experiencing what was in front of me. After years of sitting anxiously at ...

I went to a training today for work. I'm not always thrilled about attending these things, but I go because...well, I have to. Usually, I'm bored out of my mind and spend the day playing a silly word game a psychology professor once taught me or writing poetry. Despite the fact that I was sitting next to one of my favorite people in my work world, I started to work on a poem that's been in my head for well over a year. I stood before the wind as she moved across the land and she kissed me with the sweet touch of the breeze. She asked me just to lay back and trust where she would go and she'd carry me to find my deepest dreams. That's as far as I got, and the first two lines were already done. Finding the will to write was an exciting moment for me. I think I'll finally be able to explore words again. and I'm processing so much about life that I really need that outlet. One of the things I'm processing is a new awareness of myself and a new level of self-...

I haven't been sleeping well for the last few...years. This is nothing new. I'm a chronically light sleeper who wakes up at the sound of a butterfly sneezing in Africa. Or the first crack of light emanating from my alarm clock in the darkness of 3 a.m. And I can't sleep when there is any light around. I've been sleeping on a sofa bed for the last few days, and it is positioned directly under two large south-facing windows. The light begins seeping through around 6 a.m., and from then until whenever I finally officially wake, I attempt to sleep with my head wedged between two pillows. During this time, I have some interesting dreams. This morning my dreams were all conversation-based, and each one carried the theme of "conversations you wish people could really have in this world." Let's just say, in the not-so-perfect dream world, men were open, honest, and forthright about what they were thinking in relationships. I was bold and unreserved about what I re...

The title of this post is one of my favorite lines from "Dharma & Greg". It's from the episode where Dharma tries to crawl under the door of a bathroom stall and can't because of her...well, ample bosom, as she says. I always think of this line when I try to go clothes shopping. Shopping for clothes is usually not a fun process. I don't exactly have a body shape that fits anything trendy. If it fits in the bust or the hips, it's WAY too big in the waist. The arms are often too short or too tight for my taste. Most pants are too long for my legs. And dresses...well, dresses are almost impossible. The waist always seems to hang just below my hips. And then there's the color problem. Most everything in my closet is black or navy blue, with a few fuschias thrown in for fun. I also don't wear patterns. At all. I'm mentioning this because I went shopping today. I hoped to find some new shirts, but no such luck. Why is that clothing designers only see...

Have you ever read the short story, The Lady or the Tiger? The language is rather archaic, but the premise of the story will haunt you for weeks. A man and princess are madly in love, but her father doesn't want them together. He treats the man as a criminal for loving his daughter and punishes him by placing him in an arena and forcing him to choose one of two doors. Behind one door is a fierce tiger that will immediately eat him. A beautiful woman waits behind the other door, ready to marry him. The princess, of course, finds out what is behind each door, and she signals to her lover which door to choose. That's when the story ends, and you, as the reader, must decide whether she allowed her lover to live the rest of their lives with someone else or die. I've always maintained that she watched him die that day. I find it hard to believe that someone who has experienced such passionate torrents of love could ever continue life knowing that the former beloved is still brea...

I should be posting pictures of my recent trip to Siesta Key with Christy. But I don't have them. I should be showing off the pictures of canoeing down Rainbow River . But I don't have them. I may be finally accepting things as they come. And then again, maybe I'm still reeling in the stew of my irrational fears that brought me to the brink of a breakdown last week. But life is good, and I like knowing that I can say that right now, especially since I had one of those days that could have easily run amok! I woke up this morning thinking that I was going to a training this week. Once I drove the 45 miles to the training site, I found out that I didn't have to go. I was certainly angry about the waste of time, but I also very quickly realized that I had a very real answer to my recent prayers: time. So I stopped by the gym on my way home, mowed most of the property, snuck in a nap, and managed to clean out a closet. I need this time to go through my home and remove the cl...