I've said a lot of goodbyes in my lifetime. I've absorbed the shock of lives lost too soon and settled into the soberness that follows the dissolution of relationships, both platonic and romantic. Goodbyes are never easy for me, and I find that I still shed tears in those first moments of solitude (just like I did as a child leaving my grandmother's house). Last night I drove with my love to the airport--our fingers interlaced and my head resting on his shoulder. We spent the weekend alternating between questions like, "What's going on? Your face! Your face!" and answers like, "Let's not talk about this now." I watched him tenderly share his sentiments with the dogs and the walls of my house and the air in the front field. Time was not on our side, and the sun slowly made its way toward the horizon. We checked his bag and retrieved his boarding pass. Then we stole our final moments together randomly chatting about things serious and not so seriou...

I arrived home this afternoon to find seven napkins spread across my dining table. On it, scribbled with a Sharpie was a note that could only make me smile from a burning glow within me. It confirmed my thoughts from earlier in the day. As I drove to work this morning, I realized that nearly all the advice given to women about relationships--at least in this county--is nothing more than a load of BS. Especially this one... Be careful what you say to him. You will push him away if you are too needy. He won't want to tell you anything anymore. He will be overwhelmed with your words. I've taken this advice literally, and I've been known far too many times as the "cool girl". Hey, I know I haven't talked to you in weeks, please don't be mad. I know I told you I would ___, and I didn't, please don't be mad. You don't make any demands of me, you're so cool. [Insert any random story that leaves me feeling like I've been punched in the gut] I...

In the course of a day I have a million and half thoughts that run through my mind. Although I love to share them, I just don't always find the time to do so, but today's is really significant. I talked for a few minutes today with a friend of mine. She asked about what was going on and I replied in my typical fashion. Her response was a gentle shake of her head and a, "Girl, you're way more trusting than I am." My reply was, "I went to Peru by myself and wandered the streets of Lima at night alone. Is this really any different?" Her only response was, "I guess not." I know I'm a bit of a risk taker. I trust too much. But the same people who wonder about my sanity also never fail to point out that I've lived quite a life in a short amount of time. The path I'm on is not an easy one. I never expected that it would be, and it very well may lead to serious heartbreak. That's just the way it goes sometimes. I'm no stranger to te...

I wish I could say that my nearly compulsive anxiety had lessened as I get older and understand more of the world. But it hasn't, and you already knew that before you finished that first sentence. Instead, I find myself thrown in the delightful world and black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking. I'd like to find some middle ground right now, thank you. Yet, I find that the emotional indulgence of not being able to eat or sleep and completely destroy myself through the process of desperately trying to understand the understandable or control the uncontrollable is just too delicious. Apparently, I like emotionally beating my head against the wall. I have a fairly simple regimen for dealing with anxiety: no food, lots of caffeine and sugar, burning up the battery on my phone by way of hours on the phone talking. After running through my contacts on the phone, I'm forced to search the Internet for the invaluable advice contained therein and eventually sink into my own head and h...

It's been a while. I've been overwhelmed with a life that has been filled with preparing and teaching lessons, keeping up with master's work, and all the other minute details of my life, and sharing as much time as possible with the amazing man who has stolen my heart. This relationship has been different from the start, and I have learned much about myself and the nature of relationships. I don't talk about the nuances of our relationship with everyone in my inner circle because I'm trying to trust my instinct for a change. I've discovered that I need more attention than I initially thought and being vulnerable is the most frightening and most rewarding thing I've ever been. It's been a precarious place for me--seeking the balance between moving forward in the discovery process and being willing to lose if that's the end result. I've done a fabulous job carving out a life for myself after a very painful marriage and divorce. This new chapter is ...

Por fin...el ultima dia de 2011! What a year! What stands out to me right now is the number of shooting stars I've seen this year. Despite the fact that I'm not exactly superstitious, I have wished on a few of them. Those nearly secret whispers that rise from a deep place within. I know if you read my blog, you know exactly what I mean. For the record, one of them has already come true. I'm hoping the other is right behind it. :) Wishes aside, it's been an interesting year, as usual. Choosing to live life deliberately opens those types of doors, and I am daily amazed by how blessed I am to experience all that is before me. This year has been learning Portuguese, traveling to Spain, creating more art, and meeting the most amazing man with the most marvelous smile to greet me in the morning. I've also learned a very important lesson. It's really not about me. I've spent a lot of time worrying about others' perceptions of me, but I think I finally understan...

I've had a million thoughts run through my head today, but I will try to follow one of the important rules of blogging and stick with just one of those thoughts. It's been a most interesting Christmas for me. Another first...and I hope it's just the beginning of the next stage in my never-a-dull-moment life. It's no secret that I tend to live life with the idea that you make decisions for the day based on the information in front of you at that moment. I'm not a fatalist, nor do I believe in create a hard and fast plan for tomorrow. My approach is to have a general idea of what is and is not acceptable and adjust as needed. I certainly never intended to end up here...where I am in this moment. It's just the way the path unfolded. This morning, my love and I were talking, and I decided to tell him a little about my ex-husband and the way we interacted with each other. Making this decision was a great debate in my head because I wondered just how crazy it would so...

As I write this, a gorgeous man with a pair of basketball shorts, backwards Yankees cap, and a white t-shirt wrapped around his nose and mouth is cleaning my ceiling fan. This is all because I woke yesterday morning with a slight cough. I endured a day of a million questions about my health and well-being. Did I feel any phlegm? Was the sensation in my throat one of pain or scratchiness? Did I have a fever? Were my glands swollen? Each question was followed by a quick check of my vitals--including an ear to my back to check my breathing. The cough gradually grew worse, and I woke this morning with a fever. I wish you could have seen the look in his eyes and his brief, "I told you something was wrong" as he brought me breakfast in bed and gave me an interesting concoction of medicines designed to alleviate my symptoms. This man has now completely swept my floors (including under the furniture), cleaned my furniture, the blinds, and the ceiling fans. He's given me a few lec...

Sigh. My blog has been silent. My journal has far too many pages for this time in the year. My phone has been taking an extended rest. But my mind has been working over time. I feel much like the proverbial still waters. A single glance at my life cannot reveal the layers upon layers swirling deep within. If you know me, you know how much I like it. I've never felt this loved and comfortable in my own skin.

Last night, I found myself sitting in an emergency room with my love and his relative. We discovered that he had been taken to the hospital earlier in the day and immediately rushed over to check on him. Soon I was settled in among the friends and family--soaking in the Spanish and quietly honored by the way they attempted English with me. It wasn't long before some friends showed up. One guy walked in with a grocery bag filled with water, food, a blanket, and some other items to keep the patient occupied--and the biggest smile I have ever seen. This guy was so proud of himself. He dropped off the bag and pulled from another some food for himself. He commenced eating and watching the television. Later, we returned to the room and this guy was curled up in a chair, wrapped in his jacket--sleeping. I know from the pictures that he was there for the release from the hospital and is currently at the guy's house checking on him. What I find so interesting about this situation is tha...

Little darling... the smiles returning to the faces... little darling... it seems like years since it's been here. I cannot believe that I'm quoting The Beatles since I find myself continuously clicking the dislike button every time they appear on Pandora. However, I do like this song, and it's more than appropriate for the way I feel right now. This has been one of those weekends that has left me speechless. All I can say is, "Wow", and the moments we need sometimes appear in the ways we least expect to encounter them. The people in my life who know the details share an odd mixture of feelings--from complete disgust to questioning my sanity to genuine congratulations. I tend to be rather vague on this blog out of respect for others' privacy, and I will continue to do so here. What I will share is that I've been in a bit of an emotional coma for the last few months. It's been bad--far worse than most people realize. Perhaps they will return, but they...

I just recently found out that one of my colleagues is facing a divorce. I ran into this person in the hall today, and the unmistakeable look of shock was firmly planted in the eyes. The vacuous stare of someone facing what is arguably one of the most painful experiences known to man. We chatted briefly. The exchange was simple. "Life throws you curve balls sometimes." I replied with, "Yes, sometimes it just sucks." In my mind I added, "...the life right out of you." I know that look well. In fact, I recognize it instantly. This pressed on my mind for the remainder of the day, and I found myself realizing that marriage is certainly more than just a piece of paper. I think the pain surrounding a divorce is firmly rooted in the realization that you made a commitment...a vow that is now broken. Something in the loss of that promise is just simply painful in a way that words can never completely express. There are so many curve balls that life throws... Death....

During the last week or so I've been dealing with some heavy, heavy feelings of jealousy. They hit me hard, and I struggled to suppress them. I talked. I let them fester. I really tried my best because every Christian instinct in me said these were bad, bad feelings. I've switched my sleeping habits lately and started waking at 3 a.m. This has always been my favorite time of day. No one is on the computer. No one is available by phone. I am alone with my thoughts and my music and my journal. So far, I have discovered many different pieces of myself that need to be reigned in and adjusted. In the process I discovered that jealousy is directly tied to feelings of being invisible and unappreciated, and the words of one of my foreign friends echoed in my head. "You need to take care of yourself." As a result, I decided to do one thing each day to make myself happy. One thing. Yesterday, it was a walk in the dark. I tripped four times and was doused by sprinklers. Today is...

This past week was Homecoming Week at my high school. As someone who was intentionally removed from the events that make up high school memories, this week is entertaining for me. It is a week long competition between the different classes, and the students and teachers easily get involved in the festivities. As a class sponsor, I am in the thick of things. All week, my students commented on my visible lack of sleep. We all worked very long hours preparing display boards and skits and participating in physical competitions. Despite the fact that it completely takes over my life...and I work 14 hour days...and my dishes don't get washed...and I cannot even return text messages in a timely manner...I enjoy the process of getting to know my students and watching them work. My students this year did a fantastic job. They won the board competition, came in second in the skit, and tied (although we're contesting this) for first place in the physical competition. I'm so proud of t...

"You were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all." I'm sure I've used this line before. It's one that just sticks in my head on a regular basis, and it is especially poignant for me tonight. But I think this line applies more to myself than anyone else I've ever met. I called some old, dear friends tonight after hearing about an important announcement in their lives. We chatted for about twenty minutes, catching up on the more pressing changes since I last saw them five years ago. We ended the call with "much love" and a promise from me to visit the next time I am in town so we can do a proper update. Part of our discussion was my divorce two years ago and my subsequent traveling and language acquisition. She remarked that I have always loved people and their stories and my complete fascination with other cultures. (Was it always that obvious?) A little while later, I was talking with another friend who laughed at one of my...

"It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds." This line is from a song that never fails to make me cry. I asked my students to analyze this line today, and their responses surprised me. It seems to me that I would have been able to connect to this idea even at the tender age of 16. But then again, that's a memory dependent on a faulty camera in my mind. It's a scary thought to think that I have the ability to distort the truth that once existed in the world. I'd like to think that I'm evolved enough to let the past rest on its own merits. Is it even possible? Am I--are we--all destined to shift reality in our minds? I don't know. What I do know is that the concept of time is very real in my life right now. It's understandable, given that certain experiences are bound by the seconds of a calendar year. The struggle, for me, is the space between wanting to embrace the seconds--as fleeting as they may be--instead...

The next three weeks are already set up to be a whirlwind of activity, and I will be a very happy woman on the morning following homecoming. But you know what? I'm glowing right now. The happiness that swirls within me is very real...rushing through my veins. I've found my muse in the most unlikely of places. I'm relishing the connectedness I feel to myself. Speaking of muses, tomorrow I will be performing some old and new works. I'm also working tonight on a very interesting display method for the new stuff (stone and sandpaper...oh, my!). In the process I found new members of my tribe. It's a beautiful group. Okay, so I don't want to start sounding like a scene from The Hangover. It's just a beautiful place in my world now.

It's Friday night. I'm sitting here in the midst of a very, very dirty house. I'm staring at my computer screen. I'm fighting a losing battle with all the words and ideas in my head. I'm supposed to be writing. Last month I accepted a part time position as a writer. So I've been writing. What I'm learning is that writing for someone else--on a schedule--is a challenge for someone who prefers to be free from the shackles of another person's agenda. But everything within me tells me that I need to do this. It's a sacrifice of my most precious commodity--my time. It's humbling to have someone else critique my work and offer suggestions. It's exhausting to deal with the panic that washes over me as I struggle to find the right way to express ideas about topics that are still a bit foreign to me. And I still have a regular job to do. It takes a lot of work, and I brought a good deal of that work home with me this weekend. On top of that, I three a...

I called one of my dear friends early this afternoon and announced, "Every once and a while I have a moment that reminds me how different I am from everyone else." He laughed as I regaled him with the story of my first trip to the local Brazilian supermarket. It all started when I was in the local American supermarket and discovered they no longer carried my favorite Brazilian coffee. As I wailed and bemoaned this grievous offense over the phone to my dear friend, he tried to convince me that one of the Cuban brands would suffice. There was one problem with this logic. Once you've tried Brazilian coffee, you cannot go back. Just the fact that he could not grasp this fact forced me to drive over to the Brazilian store. I've wanted to stop in since I first noticed it along the edge of the road, but time and--more recently--a fear of running into a certain South American have kept me from wandering the aisles in search of imported delicacies. Today left me wi...

Student X: ***says something unintelligible*** Me: Can you explain that? Student X: You're the teacher. Me: Yes, thanks for clarifying that. 10 minutes later while I am explaining something to the class... Me: ***rambling about something*** Student Y: Ms. Aren't you the teacher? Me: Yes, I believe X pointed that out to us earlier. Student Y: Just checking. I was trying to figure out why X was talking right now...if YOU'RE the teacher.