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Itching in My Skin

I spent most of the morning wishing like hell I could find a valium...or a xanax...somewhere in the deep recesses of my purse. No such luck. It's hard to describe what it's like to be caught between the feeling of my soul forming a black hole and spontaneously combusting, but that's pretty much it.

This old beast apparently appears when I've ignored my intuition for far too long. The thoughts in my head are jumbled like oak tree roots. I have this overwhelming desire to just rip my skin off. (I started writing a poem about wanting to rip off my skin.) Nothing takes my mind off the flashing lights in my head. It hurts to breathe.

It's bad this time because what's in front of me is very quickly becoming a time issue. I have a hard time saying this to the one person who needs to hear it the most, so I guess I'll just practice here. I'm struggling with loneliness right now. It's not simply a matter of not having friends. I do have friends. I love them dearly. They listen to this crap enough. I'm talking the feeling of wandering through life alone. And I mean wandering.

This loneliness is overwhelming right now. It's difficult to be different and follow your values...and stick by them. My decisions don't always make me the most popular kid on the block. That's okay with me. What I want more than anything is to hear someone defend me for a change. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about how I need to forgive people and to guard my heart against hatred. If you know me, you know that's the last thing I need to worry about. I just want someone to pick up the baton that's fallen from my hand, give it back to me, and say, "I'm here...and it's okay to follow your heart."

One day, I do hope this cloud will lift. I do hope that I will find the courage to say the things I desperately need to say to my loved ones. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. Of course, my therapist would tell me that's a good thing because feeling pain leads to change. (That's my cheesy slogan.)

Comments

Anonymous said…
Posts like this are inspiring. If people are going to blog, they need to be real. This is real. This is beauty. Thanks for sharing your life with whomever will listen. Great stuff.

ps. Thanks for checking out my Wordpress site and your kind words.

peace. d
6:36 PM
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