Right now I'm jealous. I'm envious. I want something that I see in other people. I want a cause. I want an idea that moves me. I want to wake in the morning inspired by something beyond my control. I want to give my life away for something greater than myself. I look around and see that my life has spun far out of control. It's cluttered and suffocated by boxes of trinkets and too much credit card debt. This isn't me. I once said to my therapist that I really don't care what other people think of me, but that I thought I was supposed to care, so I forced myself to do so. There's a reason I'm created this way. There's a reason why my greatest drive in life to live my life. There's a reason why following the "rules" has left me feeling empty. I think I need to drop out of the race. I'm cleaning out the closets of my house and my head. I haven't felt this sure of anything in a long time.

I've been feeling a bit frustrated today. I'm sure the process of packing up a house, getting settled with a new job, and all that goes along with moving have something to do with it. I just have something I cannot get out of my head. I spent several hours on the phone recently with someone, and what I gained from that conversation was a very real fact for me. I make the worst decisions when I base my choices on what I think someone else wants or what I think they will give or do for me through that decision. The sad part is that for a long time that's how I made all my decisions, and I felt completely justified because it seemed so selfless at the time. In the end, though, I'd feel cheated because I compromised and ended up with nothing to show for it but a lot of heartache and embarrassment. What I'm discovering is that I must make my choices based on what I know is true. That can sometimes mean sorting fact from fiction. That can also mean falling back on basic p...