I had a haunting conversation with Nadia Friday afternoon about a very difficult decision I had to make this week. I had to quit my part-time job. Since last spring, I've been writing internet marketing materials. This work paid for my new computer and my summer travel, but it also sapped much of my free time. That's not quite true. It sapped ALL of my free time.
It was a painful decision for me. Do you know how hard it was for me to admit that I couldn't do it all? I couldn't work from 7:00 to 3:30 in the classroom, plan lessons, score papers and give feedback, keep my laundry clean, wash the dishes, cook dinner, talk to my family and friends, blog, work on my own writing projects, spend time with my husband, enjoy the breezes outside, and keep up a frantic writing pace for someone else.
I couldn't do it.
Something had to give, and I feared it would be my sanity or my ever-growing waistline. So I called Nadia and poured out my heart, complete with my burning frustration admitting I couldn't keep all the plates balanced.
Nadia's words have echoed in my head all weekend. "You are an amazing multi-tasker, and you have great value as someone who can do so many things well. But you seem to think that your only value is in what you accomplish. You also have great value as a wife, a friend, a teacher, and a writer." I had never thought of it that way.
"It's okay to by human, you know." I laughed and told her she sounded like my dear therapist who said that to me every week for two years.
My own value of myself has always been what I can accomplish, especially when I could push my own limits. In school, it was never enough to have the highest grade. I also needed to be the first one done. In relationships, I couldn't just be an amazing partner, I had to be the best looking, most interesting person around. In my careers, I couldn't just do my job well, I had to know the most and achieve the highest.
So I typed and email and sent it. In the next few days, I should be finished with all the work I'm contracted to do. I'm excited about the possibilities before me...conversations with new and old friends, more blogging, a vegetable garden, time at the gym, finishing my own writing projects.
And I desperately look forward to exploring my own value in something other than trying to be superhuman.
It was a painful decision for me. Do you know how hard it was for me to admit that I couldn't do it all? I couldn't work from 7:00 to 3:30 in the classroom, plan lessons, score papers and give feedback, keep my laundry clean, wash the dishes, cook dinner, talk to my family and friends, blog, work on my own writing projects, spend time with my husband, enjoy the breezes outside, and keep up a frantic writing pace for someone else.
I couldn't do it.
Something had to give, and I feared it would be my sanity or my ever-growing waistline. So I called Nadia and poured out my heart, complete with my burning frustration admitting I couldn't keep all the plates balanced.
Nadia's words have echoed in my head all weekend. "You are an amazing multi-tasker, and you have great value as someone who can do so many things well. But you seem to think that your only value is in what you accomplish. You also have great value as a wife, a friend, a teacher, and a writer." I had never thought of it that way.
"It's okay to by human, you know." I laughed and told her she sounded like my dear therapist who said that to me every week for two years.
My own value of myself has always been what I can accomplish, especially when I could push my own limits. In school, it was never enough to have the highest grade. I also needed to be the first one done. In relationships, I couldn't just be an amazing partner, I had to be the best looking, most interesting person around. In my careers, I couldn't just do my job well, I had to know the most and achieve the highest.
So I typed and email and sent it. In the next few days, I should be finished with all the work I'm contracted to do. I'm excited about the possibilities before me...conversations with new and old friends, more blogging, a vegetable garden, time at the gym, finishing my own writing projects.
And I desperately look forward to exploring my own value in something other than trying to be superhuman.
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