Please forgive what I suspect will be a rambling quality to this post. I finally made it to bed this morning around 3:45 and crawled back out of it at 7:30 to go to my niece's first birthday party. I went to my school's graduation last night and spent the night thinking of the excitement of new beginnings. I am certainy in a season of firsts in my life. I expected this. (How could I not?) And you know what, I'm enjoying them...even the bittersweet ones. In the last month, I have embraced these first moments since my marriage ended. * family gathering * signing a single name on cards * mowing my yard * kiss * grocery shopping for one * pinball game * summer plans It's a beautiful life.

The greatest blessing in my life today is the ability to run on that heavenly treadmill at my gym. I am overflowing with gratitude from every fiber of my being for my two legs (even the aching knee), that glorious machine made of plastic and gears and moving band, and Linkin Park. I needed some decent music for running today, and still haven't figured out what brand of crack I was smoking when I decided that "Joy to the World" and "Hips Don't Lie" were good choices for a running workout. As I frantically searched my iPod for something...anything with a pounding beat that could blast away all the crap in my head, I clicked on " Don't Stay " by Linkin Park. "Don't stay...forget our memories." And I clicked repeat. "Just give me myself back, and don't stay." And I clicked repeat. "I don't need one more day of you wasting me away." And I clicked repeat. It was heaven. The song shouted and screamed and pound

I joined a new gym yesterday. I tend to have love/hate relationships with the gym. I love the environment--slamming weights, huffing runners, and even the snooty exercise classes. I hate paying for it, thinking I have enough "stuff" at home to run my own gym. Yesterday I decided to go ahead and get a new membership because it will get me out of the house and the unpredictable rain has really hampered my running lately. So I stopped in today for my short run training. You know how I feel about running. I love the pounding feet and the solitude of being wrapped up in my own head. In fact, I often workout without music because the silent repetitiveness is soothing for me and helps me think through my life in really strange ways. Like, I've been working on my conversational Spanish lately, and I spent the entire time on the treadmill talking to myself in Spanish. Today I hopped on the treadmill with the goal of completing 1.5 miles. I'm new to this and trying to work up t

Here's my question of the day: Why do I feel the need to explain my actions? Don't get me wrong. I believe in accountability, and I am so grateful for the people in my life who aren't afraid to call me out and set me straight from time to time. I need that. We all do. I'm talking about those moments when I feel the need to go over all the gory details of my decision making process, like why I might eat cheese enchiladas from my favorite Mexican place for seven dinners in a row. Or what made me decide to wear cowboy boots with a denim skirt and tiara-styled headband. Then there are the bigger issues. As if that isn't bad enough, I'm more than willing to fall into the trap of, "if you questioned my decision, maybe I'm making the wrong one." Then I'll hide the boots for three years. I've done this enough that I'm comfortable with the pattern. Just the fact that I'm writing this tells me I'm ready to break the pattern. At the e

I've hesitated blogging lately because my life is completely consumed with the end of the school year and my impending divorce. It seems self-centered and not terribly exciting, but it is my life. I also think that some of these new insights might help someone else. And if I've learned anything from the years of marriage counseling I've been through, the advice works in many more situations in life than just your marriage. So here goes. I went to see a divorce counselor this week to help guide me through the next few months as I navigate these new waters. I'm impressed so far. I like a third party who isn't afraid to tell me like it is. And he did. He also gave me a few ground rules like "no boyfriends for at least six months" (I'm looking for ways around that one) and sent me home for a week to create a list of what I like. The homework assignment alone has generated some interesting conversations with friends. Try it. What do you like? My answers hav

I started to apologize for this post because it is completely self-serving. Then I realized that it's MY BLOG, and I can write ALL ABOUT ME as MUCH AS I WANT. I feel better. Seriously, though. With a divorce looming just ahead, I've been forced to re-consider much of my life and asking lots and lots of questions. For the last ten years, I've been part of a two-some. A couple. Like any other couple, my life was not entirely my own. I participated in interests and activities that were not always my own...happily. A decade of this creates a very comfortable setting. One that has been stripped away. The scariest part of this whole process is trying to figure out ME. The good news is that I feel and see the real me slowly seeping out of my pores and taking hold. That's fun, like reconnecting with an old friend. At the same times, it's hard work separating yourself from the two-some and carving out what is essentially a very self-centered life for now. What are my interes

I've been thinking a lot lately about decisions and how they shape the outcomes of our lives. I know that's a fairly obvious obsersvation, but I'm in one of those introspective moments that forces you to really consider some what-ifs and how-the-hell-did-that-happens. As I look at the course behind me, I can't help but think of how much I've sacrificed and accepted and been affected by the choices of both myself and my loved ones. The course before me is lined with so many possibilities that I was at first overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. Some decisions have been easy. I know where I will work and live. Others, not so much. Who do I want as part of my life? What is best for me? Someone asked me the other night what I like to do for fun, and I was dumbfounded. I couldn't answer a simple question about myself. I've been bombarded lately with the advice of some well-meaning people who say things like, "Just let it all go and the good stuff will find

If you've talked to me or exchanged emails or texts from me in the last week, you might be surprised by what I have to say. The last seven days have been a whirlwind of activity and emotion and I'm completely thrilled to be in this place today. I feel free. I've heard people describe this level of freedom within their souls and often wondered just how it feels. Now I know. I wish I could go into detail about just what brought me here, but I have to refrain because of the current situation. (Email or call me if you really want to know!) I have discovered some truths that have changed my perspective and released me from years of guilt and pain and sorrow. A chat with my dear therapist friend confirmed it for me. Life is good from my vantage point. Different, but good.

My life looks so different now from the view I had a week ago. Did I say that already? I'm okay. I have been surrounded by the most amazing people who have listened to me talk incessantly, sat with me while I cried, and let me walk through these devastating recent days. I'm okay. I've tied together lots of loose threads and pieced together so much about myself and finally reached the point of being able to see clearly what used to be clouded. I feel like I have a sense of hope. It feels good.

My life is now completely different than it was three days ago. There's not much to say at this point other than that. I don't know how much I will be on here in the near future, but I know that I will rise from the ashes of my dead dreams and will return.