Skip to main content

With Intention and Integrity...

I've been chatting with my brother this morning. He has a new girlfriend now, and this seems to be a bright spot for him since his divorce. This sort of conversation is the perfect breeding ground for a reflection on the past, and we've already covered the ideas of life paths and consequences.

This perfectly coincided with a conversation I had with Nadia yesterday in which she reminded me that we recently made a pact to leave our baggage behind as we move ahead. (I have to admit, though, that I've been keeping mine on rollers.)

My personal struggle is rooted in the fact that in any relationship I've had, I've either been cheated on or been the back-pocket girl (the one left behind when something better comes along). It's a place in my heart buried in scar tissue, and no matter how much I trust a man, in the back of my mind is the lingering wonder of when he's going to find something better than me.

The sad reality is that we have all been deeply affected by the people in our lives, and sometimes that effect is harsh and painful. I said to my brother this morning that I truly wish we could all live our lives with intent and integrity...making choices that lead us to our goals and with respect to everyone.

Can you imagine how different our world would be?

Even with this train of thought I have a choice to make. I can stroll down the memory lane lined with the people who have hurt me through their own lack of intention and integrity, or I can use this as a reminder that I want to live that way.

It's not easy, that's for sure. Sometimes it's difficult to know what I want in concrete terms. Sometimes I want to lash out and seek revenge. Sometimes I want to take the passive route in an attempt to absolve myself from the consequences of intention.

But that's not fair to me. Or anyone else.

For now, I'm working on the intention piece...using what's in front of me to determine where I want to go next.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reflections on 2006

At some point near the end of December, I chronicle some of the major events of the passing year. I've been doing this since I was 13, and although it still seems a little hokey to me, I'll do this again for 2006. I started 2006 as a completely different person than the one sitting before my computer now typing these random thoughts. I speak my mind more (although still not enough). I've stood up for myself by saying no to people I love and refusing to eat potato chips just because they were "there". I actually purchased...and wore...and took a picture in a sleeveless shirt. I saw both the emergency room and Cancun during the middle of the night (and they both make fascinating stories). I started a whole new year of teaching and finally realized that it's not my calling. I learned that people are human just like me, and that it's okay to open up to them. In that vein, I've cultivated some amazing friendships with some truly wonderful women. I've se...
1 comment
Read more

Running

Sunday night, after the sun set, I found myself in my front yard with Winnipeg. Something snapped under my feet, and I started running as fast as I could...wearing flip flops. And it felt so good to feel my legs push my body forward as my feet touched and lifted off the ground. My lungs filled with air. Good air that they have been craving. I felt like I was flying. Dogs are the perfect companion for such random moments, and she jumped right into the game. She's a faster runner than I am, and she can be a bit frightening to watch barreling forward because you think she won't stop. But she usually does. I'm still smiling at the thought of me and my dog running like maniacs in the front yard. As fast as we could. And laughing loudly. And not caring who might have seen it. Feet touch ground. Lift off. Pushes me forward. Flying. Lungs fill with air. Exhale. Pushes me forward. Satiated. Legs jump in the night. Dodges. Pushes me forward. Delight. Here there is no finish line. We ...
1 comment
Read more

On Muchness

A dear friend confessed to me last night that he had lost his muchness and found it again. I confessed the same and even admitted the ridiculous series of events that recently sapped my own muchness. That little confession seemed to do wonders. It's so easy to fall out of step with myself. In fact, I do it quite naturally. Growing up in a Christian home, I took to heart the instructions to love my neighbor more than I love myself. Oh, wait! I just checked the scripture. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I may have been doing this the wrong way. I ended 2010 with the resolution that I would no longer make decisions out of fear. I am starting 2011 with the resolution to make decisions based on what I want. I've struggled with this because I've always believed that I should consider the needs and wants of others before my own. I'd like to think this is a valiant approach, but the truth is that it only leads to martyrdom...and I don't think I was given the opp...
2 comments
Read more