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No Longer the Cool Girl

I arrived home this afternoon to find seven napkins spread across my dining table. On it, scribbled with a Sharpie was a note that could only make me smile from a burning glow within me. It confirmed my thoughts from earlier in the day.

As I drove to work this morning, I realized that nearly all the advice given to women about relationships--at least in this county--is nothing more than a load of BS.

Especially this one...
Be careful what you say to him. You will push him away if you are too needy. He won't want to tell you anything anymore. He will be overwhelmed with your words.

I've taken this advice literally, and I've been known far too many times as the "cool girl".

Hey, I know I haven't talked to you in weeks, please don't be mad.
I know I told you I would ___, and I didn't, please don't be mad.
You don't make any demands of me, you're so cool.
[Insert any random story that leaves me feeling like I've been punched in the gut]

I've held my tongue. I've let them be. I've very creatively managed to bury my feelings and stitch them up so they never see the light of day.

Until now.

I've had three brutally honest discussions in the last few days, including last night when I got 2 hours of sleep and was sitting on the edge of the bed massaging the feet of my darling when my alarm clock rang to let me know that it was time to get moving for the day. I stepped on my porch and in the glow of the moon had my epiphany.

Love changes everything.

I've said before that this man gives me the one thing no one else has ever given me. He has listened to me share my [gasp] feelings about our relationship. He LISTENS! He asks questions to clarify what I'm saying. He explains his view of the situation. He doesn't stop until we both understand each other.

I love you because you're the first woman who understands me.

As he would say to me, "Those are strong words." He does the same for me, but I think it's more that we are willing to understand each other. We take the time to negotiate our behavior to make it more palatable for the other person.

I want you to tell me what's on your mind. I want to know the good and the bad.

And this is where I take issue with the relationship advice. First of all, it's normal to have needs. When a man truly cares about you, he can't see you as needy. In fact, if he thinks you're needy it's because he's not willing to do what it takes to meet those needs.

This relationship has changed me from day one. It's the relationship that made me painfully aware of how often we try to force relationships with people who don't want them or that we don't want just because we're afraid of failing or being alone or not measuring up to a social norm. It's not that it's supposed to be easy necessarily. On the contrary, successful relationships take work. From both parties. It's just that when you WANT to be together, nothing will stop you from making that happen.

I'm truly amazed right now at the depth of love I receive from this man. Nothing else has measured up to this. I assure you that I was never looking for this, and never in a million years did I dream I would find it embodied in this particular person. I think that's the part that amazes me most of all. It still makes no sense, but I am deeply grateful for this moment in my life. For the love that I experience on a daily basis. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but the present is bliss.

My darling, I need you in my life.

And I need him.

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