Skip to main content

Cleaning

I've been like a mad woman lately cleaning out my house. In the last six years I've managed to accumulate my fair share of extra possessions, and like trying to run with this extra twenty pounds on my body, I feel like this stuff is just weighing me down.

It's suffocating.

So I'm cleaning.

In the process of this cleaning, I came across some old pictures. They are the first pictures that I have of my "new" post-divorce life. The one that had me running half marathons and traveling to other continents and feeling for the first time in a long time that my life had a sense of excitement...and purpose...

...and

life.

Seeing those pictures stoked some long dormant feelings in me and left me longing again for those moments when I felt like the rest of my life was waiting for me. I started to say here that I don't feel like I'm lacking anything, but the truth is that I am.

In some ways, I have never felt this fulfilled. In others, I've never felt this empty. It's difficult to live such a dichotomy on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if these questions ever end.

In the meanwhile, I am thinking of the love that I've found in other countries. The adventures I've lived here and abroad. The moments I've shared here and stored in my heart that still make me smile. It's this crazy life that I've managed to piece together with moments filled with the most amazing people I've encountered.

The poetry.
The photos.
The kisses.
The plane tickets.

Yeah. That.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Reflections on 2006

At some point near the end of December, I chronicle some of the major events of the passing year. I've been doing this since I was 13, and although it still seems a little hokey to me, I'll do this again for 2006. I started 2006 as a completely different person than the one sitting before my computer now typing these random thoughts. I speak my mind more (although still not enough). I've stood up for myself by saying no to people I love and refusing to eat potato chips just because they were "there". I actually purchased...and wore...and took a picture in a sleeveless shirt. I saw both the emergency room and Cancun during the middle of the night (and they both make fascinating stories). I started a whole new year of teaching and finally realized that it's not my calling. I learned that people are human just like me, and that it's okay to open up to them. In that vein, I've cultivated some amazing friendships with some truly wonderful women. I've se...

Running

Sunday night, after the sun set, I found myself in my front yard with Winnipeg. Something snapped under my feet, and I started running as fast as I could...wearing flip flops. And it felt so good to feel my legs push my body forward as my feet touched and lifted off the ground. My lungs filled with air. Good air that they have been craving. I felt like I was flying. Dogs are the perfect companion for such random moments, and she jumped right into the game. She's a faster runner than I am, and she can be a bit frightening to watch barreling forward because you think she won't stop. But she usually does. I'm still smiling at the thought of me and my dog running like maniacs in the front yard. As fast as we could. And laughing loudly. And not caring who might have seen it. Feet touch ground. Lift off. Pushes me forward. Flying. Lungs fill with air. Exhale. Pushes me forward. Satiated. Legs jump in the night. Dodges. Pushes me forward. Delight. Here there is no finish line. We ...

On Muchness

A dear friend confessed to me last night that he had lost his muchness and found it again. I confessed the same and even admitted the ridiculous series of events that recently sapped my own muchness. That little confession seemed to do wonders. It's so easy to fall out of step with myself. In fact, I do it quite naturally. Growing up in a Christian home, I took to heart the instructions to love my neighbor more than I love myself. Oh, wait! I just checked the scripture. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I may have been doing this the wrong way. I ended 2010 with the resolution that I would no longer make decisions out of fear. I am starting 2011 with the resolution to make decisions based on what I want. I've struggled with this because I've always believed that I should consider the needs and wants of others before my own. I'd like to think this is a valiant approach, but the truth is that it only leads to martyrdom...and I don't think I was given the opp...