Skip to main content

Who Wants to Watch the Fireworks?

Yesterday I watched a woman sitting in front of the bank across the street. She caught my eye because she was rubbing her legs furiously, wincing as her fingers moved up and down her shins. When she dipped a plate in water and poured it over her legs I thought perhaps she was washing her body, but when she started talking to people who were not there, I knew the truth. She was mentally ill.

I sat on the floor of the balcony and hid behind a chair as best I could, but it wasn't because I was afraid she would see me. My presence would not interrupt the party she was having with her imaginary companions. She was perfectly content pouring water over her legs, picking leaves off the hedges, and handing both to the figments of her imagination. I was just awed…and a little jealous of her ability to be completely ambivalent to others.

You see, I spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think. I have an idea of the person I want to be and how I want others to see me. Sometimes these ideas match. Sometimes they don't. The problem is that when we are constantly trying to maintain an image, we lose the ability to make the best decisions for ourselves.

I spent far too many years in a bad marriage because I was taught that marriage is a lifetime commitment. I didn't want people to see me as a failure because I couldn't hold together the commitment of two people. I didn't want to be judged as a bad wife who couldn't meet the needs of her husband. I didn't want people to think I was flaky. Anyone who did not live in my house might think that because they never saw the complete picture. My ex-husband was a master at pretending everything was okay and living a lie like it was the truth.

The problem with this is that it also left me isolated on an island of marital despair. I could never really share with anyone what was going on because when I tried, they judged me. They told me to pray more, dress more provocatively, learn to cook his favorite foods, do everything I could to meet his needs. And like any good, obedient child, I did.

But it didn't work. The people around me concluded that I wasn't really trying hard enough. By the time we finally divorced, I was a façade of a person. And still judged.

I guess I just don't understand the judgment. I get that we want the best for the people who matter most to us, but life is not a paint-by-the-numbers project for all of us. You don't have to agree with my decisions, but you also don't have to judge me for them because you don't have to live with the consequences of my decisions. I do.

I'm human. I screw up…sometimes in big ways. I may never figure it all out before I die. Yet, I cannot do what I need to do if I'm constantly worried about what you think of me. That's how the messages in my head get confused. What I need—what you need—is acceptance. I need to know that when the world around me blows up, someone will be there with me to watch the fireworks.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Carnival

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in southwest Florida, although still a bit too warm for my November tastes. I'm learning to enjoy my weekends with as much unstructured and unscheduled time as possible. Last Saturday was a delightful unstructured day. A new friend of mine (the one from the Everglades excursion) and I went to a local carnival. Now, here's the thing...I LOVE carnivals. The food. The people. The rides. The lights. I can easily spend an entire day wandering through the crowds. He's no carnival slouch. The first thing we did was walk through the entire place, scoping out the rides. Then the fun began. We rode almost every ride there (except for the kiddie attractions and the broken Tornado). The Wild Claw. The Scrambler. The Orbiter. The Space Oddysey. The Swings. The Pharaoh's Fury. The Ferris Wheel. The Giant Slide. The Haunted House. The Avalanche. It was all good. How can you top a ride that uses centrifugal force to plaster your body against...
2 comments
Read more

Busy Days Ahead

It's been a busy week for me. I left my house at 4:30 Monday morning for my drive down south and pulled back in my driveway at 1:20 this morning. The days have been long, too, between working at the new school from 7:30 until 3:00 or 4:00 and then working at the new place until 9:00 or 10:00 each night. I now have callouses on my fingers and not one intact finger nail. I think I've also developed a new twitch somewhere on my face. One afternoon this week, I stood in the middle of our new living room and took in the sight of missing drywall, a growing hole in the floor and soaked up my husband's predictions that we still won't be ready to paint by the weekend. All I wanted to do was cry. All I felt was nothingness. Numbness. Anyone who has ever reached the point of numbness knows that it's scarier than feeling like you're falling apart. It's one step beyond feeling like you're falling apart. I couldn't help but wonder just what we had gotten ourselves...
5 comments
Read more

Stranger Obligations

I had to make a few difficult decisions this week. At least, they were difficult for me. I wish I could be the kind of person who completely makes decisions based on his/her own needs and wants and boldly moves through life with unabashed freedom from how our choices affect others. But I'm not built like that. I had placed an ad for my former stray. I felt like it was time to find her a more permanent home because so much in my life right now is uncertain. One person answered the ad, but she did not seem like a good fit, and I gave up further thought. This week I received another response. As long as this person is telling the truth, it's an ideal situation for the dog. Yet, I had a strange feeling and could not sort out whether or not it was my intuition kicking in or that fact that I actually like the dog and don't want to see her go. In the end, I decided that it was in my own (and my Winnipeg's) best interest for her to stay with us through the summer. (I seri...
5 comments
Read more