Letting Go

It seems the universe is trying to teach me a lesson, and I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to master it...mostly because it's difficult. I earned a Bachelors degree in two years, traveled to South America alone, and have weathered my share of relationship woes and losses, but this is just too much.

I have to let go.

I still remember the serenity of that moment.

Last Sunday I reread the two Melody Beattie books that I have here (back from the therapy days). I entered therapy trying to save my doomed marriage, and my therapist recommended the books as a way to deal my overwhelming obsession with trying to control outcomes that involve other people. Beattie writes about co-dependency, and while I don't think I have issues with that  (mostly because I generally steer clear of addicts), I do see what I have in common.

One of the key principles is moving beyond the obsession with someone else's behavior and channeling it into creating a life for yourself. She asks what you would be doing if you weren't obsessed with the other person, so I thought back to my previous marriage because I wanted to see if it worked for me back then.

I had one major problem in that relationship, and that was my husband's friendship with a co-worker. At first, I thought nothing of it, but as the phone calls and work lunches multiplied, I took a second look at it...and then a third...and before too long, I was analyzing each phone call, searching my husband's car, and questioning him ad nauseum about what I discovered. In a mad fury I even smashed to pieces a gift she gave him and threw out some others (an act that left my friends shocked to learn of my propensity for drama).

Such a tender moment.

He denied any wrong doing and did his best to convince me that I had nothing to worry about. But intuition is a funny thing, and my intuition was off the charts. I knew something was wrong. I told him about my discomfort. I asked him to end the friendship. I tried to accept it and lived my life the best I could. He refused, and we eventually divorced after she told him it wasn't fair to their spouses.

I did everything I could think to do in that situation, and he denied me at every turn. I see now that all my obsession was really pointless because in the end he did what he wanted to do. Honestly, there was nothing...NOTHING...I could have done to change that because I cannot change other people.

I truly believe this truth would make my life so much simpler if I would just accept it. My worry and obsession is about more than my need to control the situation. It's about my need to avoid pain. Yet, I still had to deal with heart-crushing pain when my husband finally told me the entire the truth. I walked through the treacherous waters of divorce. I had to rebuild my life...alone.

Today as I think about all the things that I try to control through obsession, I'm trying to remind myself that nothing will prevent the pain. I can avoid it and prolong the inevitable, but I still have to deal with the pain. And I'll survive it, I know. This makes me want to get a tattoo just so I have a physical reminder that I will survive the pain and find the beauty in the end.

Fun is beautiful.

I found the beauty before...

...in the sunset over the Andes
...in the waters of the Mediterranean
...in the art I created with some deep souls
...in the conversations I've shared with kindreds
...in moonlit swims at the beach
...in my weekend morning runs
...in spontaneous songs along the shoreline

I know it's there. I know that even if the bottom of my world falls out right now, there is still something great ahead.

If I can let go.