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My Christmas Morning

I've been feeling rather reflective these last few days as I've watched life and death work its wonder. I'm sad. I've been sad for a while, but I've been afraid to admit it to myself. Admitting this means so much more than fessing up to the emotion underlying all the complaining and hiding I've been doing. Admitting to the sadness means letting go of something that I let define me...something I've let define me for more than 20 years.

Yeah, we go way back, and letting go of something that's been part of your life for so long is really tough. Yet, I've been in enough therapy to know that until I acknowledge and deal with the emotions that connect me to this...this...thing, moving forward will be difficult. Honestly, I think my failure to deal (whatever that means) with this is the reason so much of my life feels stagnant. My thyroid. My weight. My creativity.

But today is Christmas. I ran out last night to return a shirt, and the clerk asked me if I was ready for Christmas. My response was a shoulder shrug. "Honestly, it's just another day." He agreed with me and mentioned that his family tends to go overboard. I don't get it. I'm sure there have been years when I enjoyed Christmas, and I know for a fact that I was overwhelmed with joy that year my colleagues and I threw a special Christmas party for the underprivileged kids at our school. Other than that...meh.

I mean, I'm glad that other people really get into the season, but it stresses me. The crowds. The shopping. The traveling. All I want to do is sit home with my dogs, wear pajamas all day, and watch t.v. while curled  up under a blanket. But in the spirit of the season, I'm going to put real clothes on and drive up to see my family. I'll eat, chat with my nephews and sister, force everyone to take some photos and bide my time until I'm back in the car listening to a podcast. I love my family, but I enjoy my time with them more when there's not a throng of people raising the decibel levels.

I know this is all rather melancholy, so I'll finish with a few things that make me smile right now and warm my heart with gratitude.

1. My dogs
2. Running as the sun rises
3. God's provision
4. Podcasts

Merry Christmas!

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