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First Dates 101

Gather around kiddos, I'm going to teach today.

It's time that we discuss appropriate behavior and conversation for a first date. That is, of course, if your plan is to earn a second date. This is fairly simple, and I'm sure that everyone will be able to master this.

1. Please refrain from "trying a new look" on a first date. Showing up with baggy jeans, a large gold cross on a Mr.-T style chain, and ball cap with a hoodie pulled over the top is not acceptable if you are not planning to audition for Jersey Shore or running of to play in the hood after paying the bill.

2. It's not a good idea to accuse your date of releasing a noxious gas from her hind quarters and then telling her that she needs to "pull that opening closed". This is an especially bad idea if the aforementioned date did not, in fact, commit that atrocity. The same is true of accusing her of consuming illegal substances while waiting for you to get arrive.

3. A single beer does not contain enough alcohol for anyone with half a brain cell to be accepting of the fact that you are on mood-altering medication. Period.

4. Along the same lines, you might want to refrain from spilling the secret that you had your mom take your online traffic course because you were afraid you could not pass it.

5. Do your best to control your nicotine addiction. Most people can manage to go an entire hour without going outside for a smoke. If you get up from the table, your date is now fair game for any of the other people in the restaurant who were able to go out in public without dressing like an 18-year old.

6. This is also not the time to tell that you intentionally got your girlfriend pregnant when you were 16 and have harbored resentment against ever since because she chose to have an abortion. I'm all for honesty, but discussion about reproductive rights is probably best saved until you've managed to make it through a dinner without a cigarette break.

7. Speaking of honesty, if all you really want is a booty call, tell your date. That way she can evaluate you for attractiveness and physical skills to determine if you qualify for that arrangement. It's definitely possible that you won't meet her criteria.

8. Let's continue with the honesty theme for a moment. Your height and weight are easily determined with a single glance. If you want to surprise your date, send her on a vacation to the Caribbean (alone).

9. The first date is also not the time to accuse your date of committing crimes against minors. If you are bold (insert "drunk" or "stupid") enough to do this, do not question the direction of her eyes as she answers. This question is entirely inappropriate and does not deserve any response at all.

10. Asking for a second date should not include the phrases "cook for you" or "at my house", especially if you have violated any of the aforementioned policies.

Sigh.

This is why the arms of a non-commital South American who sings along with his favorite songs and whispers a foreign language into your ears is so much more appealing.

Comments

If this is based on a true story, which I fervently hope it is not, tell me you are far, far away from this creature.
frabjouspoet said…
Oh, it's entirely true. And yes, I ran as quickly as I possibly could.

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