I wish I could say that my nearly compulsive anxiety had lessened as I get older and understand more of the world. But it hasn't, and you already knew that before you finished that first sentence. Instead, I find myself thrown in the delightful world and black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.
I'd like to find some middle ground right now, thank you. Yet, I find that the emotional indulgence of not being able to eat or sleep and completely destroy myself through the process of desperately trying to understand the understandable or control the uncontrollable is just too delicious.
Apparently, I like emotionally beating my head against the wall.
I have a fairly simple regimen for dealing with anxiety: no food, lots of caffeine and sugar, burning up the battery on my phone by way of hours on the phone talking. After running through my contacts on the phone, I'm forced to search the Internet for the invaluable advice contained therein and eventually sink into my own head and heart.
That's the danger zone.
The throbbing thoughts in my head so easily take over and pound into submission any remaining rational thought. I find myself reacting to everything. Every sensation in my body suddenly has a meaning. Every past experience crawls from the recesses of my memory to cloud the present moment.
Do you have any idea how much I wish I didn't have to admit this? Do you understand how much I wish I could just let life do what it's going to do and just take it in stride? Do you get how much I hate having this much lack of control over feelings?
The only remedy I've found is time. In the meanwhile, I should probably get back to analyzing the emoticons and hidden emotional messages in some text messages, fretting over what the cold chills and churning stomach are trying to tell me about what's going on, and drink another Coke. This might be a long night.
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