I had to make a few difficult decisions this week. At least, they were difficult for me. I wish I could be the kind of person who completely makes decisions based on his/her own needs and wants and boldly moves through life with unabashed freedom from how our choices affect others.
But I'm not built like that.
I had placed an ad for my former stray. I felt like it was time to find her a more permanent home because so much in my life right now is uncertain. One person answered the ad, but she did not seem like a good fit, and I gave up further thought.
This week I received another response. As long as this person is telling the truth, it's an ideal situation for the dog. Yet, I had a strange feeling and could not sort out whether or not it was my intuition kicking in or that fact that I actually like the dog and don't want to see her go. In the end, I decided that it was in my own (and my Winnipeg's) best interest for her to stay with us through the summer. (I seriously cannot live with the thought that my Winnipeg would be "losing" me and her buddy.)
I decided to wait.
However, it's not that simple for me. I agonized over how to tell this person that I could not give her away right now. In my mind, I was going to disappoint this stranger. I worried about how he might react to the news and whether this was my only chance at finding her a suitable home. The what ifs chased me through the night and day, tormenting me with their fantasies. I didn't care that I would have to a make a very long drive to a house at the end of a very desolate dirt road. I didn't worry about whether or not this person was telling the truth. I had no concern about the fact that in less than 4 days I will be boarding a plane and still have a fence to repair, a house to clean, dog-keeping instructions to write, and all the wonderful items still waiting on my to-do list.
Why is it that I feel this strange obligation to others? Deep down, I really want to do the "right" thing and be straightforward in my intentions. I don't set out to hurt others, and I struggle with the potential of doing so. Yes, I know that life is full of disappointments, but I don't want to be the cause of them.
I have no answer to this, but I hope to find one at some point.
In the end, I composed a quick email apologizing and explaining that I cannot part with her now. We can look at it again at the end of the summer when I can be more focused.
But I'm not built like that.
I had placed an ad for my former stray. I felt like it was time to find her a more permanent home because so much in my life right now is uncertain. One person answered the ad, but she did not seem like a good fit, and I gave up further thought.
This week I received another response. As long as this person is telling the truth, it's an ideal situation for the dog. Yet, I had a strange feeling and could not sort out whether or not it was my intuition kicking in or that fact that I actually like the dog and don't want to see her go. In the end, I decided that it was in my own (and my Winnipeg's) best interest for her to stay with us through the summer. (I seriously cannot live with the thought that my Winnipeg would be "losing" me and her buddy.)
I decided to wait.
However, it's not that simple for me. I agonized over how to tell this person that I could not give her away right now. In my mind, I was going to disappoint this stranger. I worried about how he might react to the news and whether this was my only chance at finding her a suitable home. The what ifs chased me through the night and day, tormenting me with their fantasies. I didn't care that I would have to a make a very long drive to a house at the end of a very desolate dirt road. I didn't worry about whether or not this person was telling the truth. I had no concern about the fact that in less than 4 days I will be boarding a plane and still have a fence to repair, a house to clean, dog-keeping instructions to write, and all the wonderful items still waiting on my to-do list.
Why is it that I feel this strange obligation to others? Deep down, I really want to do the "right" thing and be straightforward in my intentions. I don't set out to hurt others, and I struggle with the potential of doing so. Yes, I know that life is full of disappointments, but I don't want to be the cause of them.
I have no answer to this, but I hope to find one at some point.
In the end, I composed a quick email apologizing and explaining that I cannot part with her now. We can look at it again at the end of the summer when I can be more focused.
Comments
I also have no idea how to fix it. My first thought is... practice? Maybe the more we practice saying no when it doesn't work for us, the easier it will become?