Skip to main content

Year 3 - Dominican Republic

I am in the middle of writing a paper about the practical application of storytelling for literacy and learning, and I checked the calendar to see how many days I have before this assignment is due. That's when it dawned on me.

Today is year 3.

Three years ago, I decided that I wanted to wake up every June 23 in another country. I've organized my traveling around this date. The first year I wandered around Machu Picchu in Peru. Last year I spent the night on the beach celebrating with the people of Spain the longest day of the year. This year I woke in the Dominican Republic to my favorite smile in the world.

This has been the most challenging of my trips because I have not spent it alone. I'm not complaining about that fact. The last two weeks have been a flurry of Spanish and cuddling new kittens and hanging out with my new niece. It seems that no matter where we are in life, merging two lives carries its own learning curve.

He's been asking me a lot, "Mami, que te paso? Tu cara!" (Darling, what's the matter...your face [looks so sad].) I tend to carry a pensive look with me wherever I go. Often it's just that I am lost in thought. If I'm honest, though, I also have to admit that I've had some things on my mind.

The other morning I woke with this in my head...

I'm at that point in my life when I'm wondering what happened.

Had you asked me ten...fifteen...twenty years ago where I thought I would be today, the answer would have included something like "living my life as a wife and mother; signing permission slips; cleaning the house on Saturday; etc." No where did I imagine I would be divorced, living with my dogs, and still waiting for the magical day when I will see a plus sign on a pregnancy test.

I'm actually not complaining about any of this. These are just thoughts in my head. At 35, I have finally met the first man who actually wants to have children with me. At 35, I fear that I may not get the chance. I have no reason to think this just yet, but it's still in the back of my mind, especially as I look at friends and family who struggled to have (and sometimes not have) children.

There are no simple words for this, and I don't really want to hear them. Honestly, I have a lot of anger and frustration and jealousy raging within me. I have to just experience these emotions--this neural activity in my head.

It's just life as it is right now. Wondering. Waiting. Wishing.

So much has changed in the last three years. So much seems to be the same. I'm kind of hoping for a shooting star tonight.

Comments

Christy said…
Even with children, I'm at the "wondering what happened" stage. Being a mom certainly doesn't look like what I thought it would (at least to me) and big life changes are ahead still and I have no idea what I'm doing. Geez. When will we have this all figured out already? :)
5:07 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reflections on 2006

At some point near the end of December, I chronicle some of the major events of the passing year. I've been doing this since I was 13, and although it still seems a little hokey to me, I'll do this again for 2006. I started 2006 as a completely different person than the one sitting before my computer now typing these random thoughts. I speak my mind more (although still not enough). I've stood up for myself by saying no to people I love and refusing to eat potato chips just because they were "there". I actually purchased...and wore...and took a picture in a sleeveless shirt. I saw both the emergency room and Cancun during the middle of the night (and they both make fascinating stories). I started a whole new year of teaching and finally realized that it's not my calling. I learned that people are human just like me, and that it's okay to open up to them. In that vein, I've cultivated some amazing friendships with some truly wonderful women. I've se...
1 comment
Read more

Running

Sunday night, after the sun set, I found myself in my front yard with Winnipeg. Something snapped under my feet, and I started running as fast as I could...wearing flip flops. And it felt so good to feel my legs push my body forward as my feet touched and lifted off the ground. My lungs filled with air. Good air that they have been craving. I felt like I was flying. Dogs are the perfect companion for such random moments, and she jumped right into the game. She's a faster runner than I am, and she can be a bit frightening to watch barreling forward because you think she won't stop. But she usually does. I'm still smiling at the thought of me and my dog running like maniacs in the front yard. As fast as we could. And laughing loudly. And not caring who might have seen it. Feet touch ground. Lift off. Pushes me forward. Flying. Lungs fill with air. Exhale. Pushes me forward. Satiated. Legs jump in the night. Dodges. Pushes me forward. Delight. Here there is no finish line. We ...
1 comment
Read more

On Muchness

A dear friend confessed to me last night that he had lost his muchness and found it again. I confessed the same and even admitted the ridiculous series of events that recently sapped my own muchness. That little confession seemed to do wonders. It's so easy to fall out of step with myself. In fact, I do it quite naturally. Growing up in a Christian home, I took to heart the instructions to love my neighbor more than I love myself. Oh, wait! I just checked the scripture. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I may have been doing this the wrong way. I ended 2010 with the resolution that I would no longer make decisions out of fear. I am starting 2011 with the resolution to make decisions based on what I want. I've struggled with this because I've always believed that I should consider the needs and wants of others before my own. I'd like to think this is a valiant approach, but the truth is that it only leads to martyrdom...and I don't think I was given the opp...
2 comments
Read more