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Answers

It's funny the way life works sometimes. Two years ago, in August, I was still sorting through the summer's chaos in the wake of my Spain trip. The phone call I received the morning of July 13 while I was in the middle of cooking some Brazilian-style rice and beans completely shook my world. I still remember how I survived on bottles of Coca Cola and the two weeks of sleeplessness and questions and endless phone calls in which I asked "Why?" a million times. The worst part of that experience was having no way to find the answers I so desperately needed.

The song, "Chances" by Five for Fighting was rather prominent for me in the year leading up to that fateful day. At that point in my life, I was so open to experiencing the moments of my life as they presented themselves. It just seemed to make so much sense that there were no guarantees, and that I couldn't let that fact ruin the opportunities I did have. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how it feels today. I remember so well how that line comforted me, reminding me to enjoy the moment for what it was. It was what drew me back into those arms each time they knocked on the door of my world.

Yet, sometimes it seems like there's always something out there with the power to strike your rock and pulverize it to sand. That phone call did it for me. It took my arms-wide-open-in-the-wind mentality and left me cowering in a hurricane of emotions and questions. I wrote in my journal about the struggle to "make sense of something that may never see the light of day."

The sun rose last night. While searching for some immigration-related information for me and my husband, I came across a link for a wedding registry. This led to a little digging around in public records and few stops in my 2011 journal just to refresh my memory of how everything went down that year. As I have shared this information with my friends who walked that path with me that summer, we've discovered more questions than answers. I didn't think much of it until Nadia asked me why I am putting myself through this.

But...I'm not upset. This doesn't bother me. In fact, I finally feel liberated. I have some answers. It only took two years, but I HAVE SOME ANSWERS! So many of the enigmas suddenly make sense, and my constant questioning during that time was all centered around something that I knew I didn't know. Now I do. This answer is the final step in what was a very long process for me. It knocked me off my feet. It forced me to retreat. It lasted longer than the recovery from my divorce.

Chances are we'll find two destinations.

 We did. It's okay.

Chances are only what we make them and all I need.

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