Never-a-dull-moment Nadia and I were talking the other day about a conversation she had with a friend. They were talking with a man about problems he was having with his girlfriend, and Nadia's advice was something to the effect that you can't change crazy. Her friend, who has been married for 9 years to a man who adores her, chastised her for the comment and said that love conquers all.
Sigh.
When I was dating, I had a never-ending stream of advice from people. My favorites were those from people who married very early in life and those who were married for decades. I'm not knocking the wisdom of people who have figured out how to maintain a relationship for such a long period of time, but it's really difficult to comment on dating if you've never really dated.
Nadia and I talked about this, and I thought I'd share my favorite dating myths and bust them at the same time.
1. Love conquers all.
This is such a beautiful sentiment that I wish it was true. Unfortunately, it takes more than love--either the emotion or the decision--to make a relationship work. It takes two people willing to face whatever life throws at them to see through the challenges.
We all have our own baggage. It's a side-effect of life, but you can't love someone into a healthy place in life. You set yourself up for danger when you buy in to the idea that you have that much power over people. I poured myself into a marriage that had little chance of success because no matter how much I showed love to that man, it was never enough because he did not reciprocate the love. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go.
2. You're too picky.
I heard this when I broke up with the alcoholic who liked to call me in the middle of the night to yell at me and call me names...and when I cut ties with the unemployed former drug addict with an estranged son and daddy issues...and when I refused to go out a second time with the prescription drug addict who accused me of farting in the middle of dinner. Seriously, I'm not kidding.
Apparently, married people think that everyone in the world is like their own spouses. In a perfect world, perhaps this is true, but let me tell you that there are a LOT of weirdos in the world. There are also a LOT of people who are carrying some serious baggage. It doesn't make you a bad or unempathetic person if you choose to not go out with them. In fact, it's far more unhealthy to try to make a relationship work with these people.
3. You're not picky enough.
I still remember the moment I returned from an amazing first date with one of the most interesting people I had ever met. I also remember saying, off the cuff, that I thought he was married. Months later, I discovered that not only was he married, but everything he told me about himself (except for the fact that his mother had recently died) was not true. In fact, I learned the truth when I read her obituary.
Dating is stressful, and if you were lucky enough to married your high school sweetheart or found the person of your dreams after one or two bad dates, you have no idea just how stressful it is. Even the best screening systems have holes. People lie, and some of them are very good at it. Some people are dangerous. Some people flake out for no apparent reason. I think it's better to miss out on a potentially good relationship than to get suckered into a bad one.
Please, please think before you offer advice to people who are bravely dating, especially if you have little experience with it. And if you're one of the brave, do what you know is right for your life. You're the only one who has to live with it.
Comments