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Control...I Know Just What I Want

I've been forced lately to learn a lesson in control...or lack thereof. This has been especially difficult for someone like me who started doing her own laundry in first grade. I have my own brand of delusion in which I think I have the power to change minds, influence moods, and keep the Earth spinning on its axis.

So...maybe I don't have as much control as I think I do.

Or should.

For the last few months, I've thrown myself into a tailspin of exhaustive Internet searches and photo analysis. I've uncovered some truths and unearthed a few lies. There's power in knowledge, but with that power comes the realization that the world isn't as perfect as it seems.

After spending nine years with a man who was in love with another woman and losing a fiance to his former girlfriend, I'm a little gun-shy about other women. The thought of dealing with that again terrifies me some days, so I go on the offensive to prevent it. All my energy goes into working out, painting my nails, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and putting on the perfect lingerie all in the hope that it will be enough to keep my husband at my side.

I'm exhausted.

I'm also not complaining. I have no issues with doing the things that make him happy. However, if he strays, it will have nothing to do with my value as a woman, friend, or spouse. It will have everything to do with his decision.

...and I. Have. No. Control. Over. That.

There. I said it.

What I can control is my decision.
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