I read this blog this morning as I searched for answers to how to set boundaries with a spouse. The idea of boundaries is not new to me. I still remember my aunt telling me YEARS ago about her favorite part in This Present Darkness, when the lead character is running through a field looking for the fences. She told me that this scene is symbolic of the fences in our lives, and that as long as we know where the boundaries are, we free to act as we wish within them.
Setting Boundaries with a Cheating Ex: My Story
We need to know the limits of what we can say and how we can act toward other people. Sometimes this is very easy to do. Sometimes it seems impossible to do. Yet, the issue, I've found, is not in setting the boundary or knowing when someone has crossed it. It's following through. When my first husband had a friendship with his secretary that was troublesome to me, I told him. I said that to me, it was not appropriate for a married man to talk to a married woman at all hours of the day and night for hours at a time. They had affectionate names for one another. He told her he could not live without her. She sent him "XXOO" at the end of text messages. He would go to her house when her husband wasn't there. He would tell me he was going out with friends or his mom, but met up with her instead.
When I brought this up, he told me that I was overreacting. She was just a friend. Her husband didn't have a problem with it. She needed help, and he was the only one who could help her. At one point, he said she had a cocaine addiction, and he wanted to be with her when she went out to make sure she didn't consume drugs. I tried talking to him about it. I explained how it hurt me. I refused to let him go out without me. I followed him. I tracked his phone calls. Yet, in the end, he finally confessed the affair and told me he wanted a divorce. Five years after I first told him I was uncomfortable with the friendship.
Needing Boundaries in My Current Relationship
I've run into a similar problem with my current husband. We're now four years past the first messages that raised my eyebrows. There are some similarities, but far more differences this time around. First, DQ, as far as I know, has not had physical contact with the women. He likes to chat with them. Second, DQ is far more likely to get angry with me, accuse me of doing the same thing, and then withdraw for days at a time. He will even threaten me with statements like, "If you're going to X@J^ with me, I'll do the same to you." He throw around, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, do whatever you want." I've endured up to a week of complete silence from him in the wake of my discovery of a text message saying, "Hey sexy" or "Send me a pic of you in your panties."
In response, I've tried explaining to him how much it hurts me to see him invest this kind of energy in other women, especially when I sometimes go days without affection from him. I've threatened to hit him. I've hit him. I've thrown a chair at him. I've erased contacts in his phone. I've monitored his Facebook. I've told him to leave. I've packed his bags. I've talked to the other women. I've pointed out that he blocked my lifelong male friends. I've tried to make him experience what it feels like to discover phone numbers on the phone. His response is one of the following:
Setting Boundaries with a Cheating Ex: My Story
We need to know the limits of what we can say and how we can act toward other people. Sometimes this is very easy to do. Sometimes it seems impossible to do. Yet, the issue, I've found, is not in setting the boundary or knowing when someone has crossed it. It's following through. When my first husband had a friendship with his secretary that was troublesome to me, I told him. I said that to me, it was not appropriate for a married man to talk to a married woman at all hours of the day and night for hours at a time. They had affectionate names for one another. He told her he could not live without her. She sent him "XXOO" at the end of text messages. He would go to her house when her husband wasn't there. He would tell me he was going out with friends or his mom, but met up with her instead.
When I brought this up, he told me that I was overreacting. She was just a friend. Her husband didn't have a problem with it. She needed help, and he was the only one who could help her. At one point, he said she had a cocaine addiction, and he wanted to be with her when she went out to make sure she didn't consume drugs. I tried talking to him about it. I explained how it hurt me. I refused to let him go out without me. I followed him. I tracked his phone calls. Yet, in the end, he finally confessed the affair and told me he wanted a divorce. Five years after I first told him I was uncomfortable with the friendship.
Needing Boundaries in My Current Relationship
I've run into a similar problem with my current husband. We're now four years past the first messages that raised my eyebrows. There are some similarities, but far more differences this time around. First, DQ, as far as I know, has not had physical contact with the women. He likes to chat with them. Second, DQ is far more likely to get angry with me, accuse me of doing the same thing, and then withdraw for days at a time. He will even threaten me with statements like, "If you're going to X@J^ with me, I'll do the same to you." He throw around, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, do whatever you want." I've endured up to a week of complete silence from him in the wake of my discovery of a text message saying, "Hey sexy" or "Send me a pic of you in your panties."
In response, I've tried explaining to him how much it hurts me to see him invest this kind of energy in other women, especially when I sometimes go days without affection from him. I've threatened to hit him. I've hit him. I've thrown a chair at him. I've erased contacts in his phone. I've monitored his Facebook. I've told him to leave. I've packed his bags. I've talked to the other women. I've pointed out that he blocked my lifelong male friends. I've tried to make him experience what it feels like to discover phone numbers on the phone. His response is one of the following:
- Accuse me of cheating
- Tell me I'm overreacting
- Tell me he's tired of the way I act
- Block all men on my social media
- Changed my name and relationship status on social media
- Contacted my male friends to find out what is going on
- Told me all my friends are covering up for me
- Told me I'm doing the same thing that he's doing
- Told me he knows I'm poisoning his food
- Told me he knows I'm trying to kill him for the $3000 insurance policy I have on him
For the record, his evidence of my cheating includes the following: a baseball cap in our front yard, laughing at a man's joke, not yelling at the mechanic he thinks was trying to pull one over on me, the fact that there are two cheap hotels near where I work, and a chat discussion with a female friend about meeting up one day.
Back to Boundary Basics
So, the point of this post is boundaries. Although I tried experimenting with boundaries in the past, I always saw it as a method of controlling the other person's behavior. This is true to some degree. You set the boundary because a certain behavior is unacceptable. However, the real reason for setting the boundary is to protect yourself. The boundary says, "This will hurt me if I continue to let it happen."
Generally, I've been passive about boundaries. I usually set them in my head and bow out when the situation is too uncomfortable. Remember Drunk John? I knew I needed to get out of that. I remember telling myself that I wasn't going to tolerate being insulted the way he did when he was drunk. I made my exit at the first opportunity when he tried to apologize for a drunken rant and said he knew he need help. I agreed and told him that he could contact me again after he got treatment for his disease. He said he needed the support of a good woman. I remember telling him that I wasn't emotionally prepared to offer that level of support and he had to want to do this for himself. That was the last I heard from him.
I've Successfully Set Boundaries in the Past
With DQ, I have successfully set boundaries. He used to lash out and call me horrible names in the midst of a disagreement. Finally, I said, "If you call me names, I will end the conversation and leave the room until you stop." It didn't take long before he trampled through that fence. I walked away. He screamed, "Don't you walk away from me." I replied, "I told you that if you call me names, I will leave the room." He continued screaming. I stayed in another room until he calmed down.
More recently, I've added to the list no sex when he's so drunk that he cannot stand straight and feels the need to throw up and no cooking dinner if he dirties all the dishes in the house during the day and doesn't wash them. I know he gets the message because he recently told me that he doesn't like my rules: he can't call me names, he can't talk to other women, and he can't be disrespectful to me. He also pointed out not long ago that I will throw him out if he talks to other women.
What Now?
Here I am again facing the same situation. The same one that first reared its ugly head in June 2012 when he left his Facebook open, and I saw the messages he sent to two different women asking for pictures of them in their panties. (For the record, I listed the names of all the women I've found inappropriate messages to over the last 4.5 years...there were more than 40 names on the list.)
One important tenet of boundaries is that actions have consequences. If you steal from me, I will not trust you around my things. If you intentionally hurt me, I will not be around you. So how does this relate to my husband?
How he hurts me:
- Call me names.
- Accuse me of trying to kill him.
- Sending affectionate messages to other women while sending me things like, "What's up?"
- Being super nice to the dog and showering him with kisses while pushing me away.
- Leaving all the work to me. (I work one full-time and at least two part-time jobs. I also am the only one in the house who washes dishes, does the laundry, maintains the yard, and cleans the house. He does usually take out the trash on trash day.)
- Spending money we don't have.
- Having an account on a dating site.
Let's tackle the most glaring one here.
Bad Choice: Active account on an online dating site and talking to women there.
Consequence: Loss of relationship with spouse.
What this looks like:
- I will not give you money.
- I will not cook special dinners for you.
- I will not wash your clothes unless you ask.
- I will not go out of my way to do any favor for you.
Basically, my husband becomes a roommate. I treat him the way I would a roommate. This means I will share my food with him. I will give him a ride if it fits with my schedule. I will not give up my comfort to make him happy. This makes sense to me because ultimately, it is protecting me. I'm not sacrificing for him.
I've actually done this before. It worked to a degree. The problem is that he keeps trampling through that fence. Perhaps it's time to reinforce the fence. I'm thinking some parental style controls on his phone are in order. It may seem harsh, but I'm the one who pays for the phone. Of course, I could just let the phone lapse and not pay the bill, too.
Ugh.
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