Last week NPR interviewed one of the writers from Amy Schumer's show. I have never seen the show, and I know little about the woman apart from her appearance on Saturday Night Live. I did, however, hear the clip played during that interview. It involved a group of pregnant women talking (and on-upping each other) about their birth plans. The punch line was that everything was "better for the baby," and I laughed loudly at comments about giving birth as far away from medical intervention as possible and opting for a sand birth like the sea turtles do.
As I finished driving home, I thought a lot about that sketch, and it amplified my sadness at the way we interact with each other. It bothers me greatly the way we compare ourselves with others, especially out of a need to feel okay with ourselves--our lives and our choices. Quite honestly, I'm tired of it and by it and the way these little shaming techniques strike at us. Ten years ago when I was working with a therapist, one of the first things he said to me was, "You have no voice. Do you have anyone in your life who actually listens to you?"
I truly believe that listening to people is the key to everything we hold dear in this world. I'm not talking about nodding a head or offering a solution. I'm talking about letting someone speak and acknowledging that whatever is going on with them is valid because the truth is that it is. Doing anything else strips them of their perspective and experience and leaves them feeling alone and afraid--feelings which all too often have the ability to morph into something dreadfully negative.
We have to stop doing this to ourselves, too. Just the other day I was talking to a woman at work and I followed up my thoughts with, "but that's nothing compared to your life since you have two kids." I need to go slap myself for that line. You see, I don't get enough sleep at night. I can never keep my house clean. My world is an endless cycle of dish washing and laundry folding budget crunching. The absence of children doesn't make my life any less complicated. This is also true of jobs and relationships and every other part of the human experience.
This is the way life goes. It's complicated sometimes. Yet, it doesn't have to be so isolated if we could all just stop and listen. That's my current challenge for myself--to let people feel their feelings and live their moments and respond to them as they see fit. Honestly, I've got enough on my plate to try to take over..and the risk of invalidation is just too great. If we ever have a chance at improving the world, we have to start hearing what people have to say and stop falling for the fallacy that it is any reflection on our own beliefs.
As I finished driving home, I thought a lot about that sketch, and it amplified my sadness at the way we interact with each other. It bothers me greatly the way we compare ourselves with others, especially out of a need to feel okay with ourselves--our lives and our choices. Quite honestly, I'm tired of it and by it and the way these little shaming techniques strike at us. Ten years ago when I was working with a therapist, one of the first things he said to me was, "You have no voice. Do you have anyone in your life who actually listens to you?"
I truly believe that listening to people is the key to everything we hold dear in this world. I'm not talking about nodding a head or offering a solution. I'm talking about letting someone speak and acknowledging that whatever is going on with them is valid because the truth is that it is. Doing anything else strips them of their perspective and experience and leaves them feeling alone and afraid--feelings which all too often have the ability to morph into something dreadfully negative.
We have to stop doing this to ourselves, too. Just the other day I was talking to a woman at work and I followed up my thoughts with, "but that's nothing compared to your life since you have two kids." I need to go slap myself for that line. You see, I don't get enough sleep at night. I can never keep my house clean. My world is an endless cycle of dish washing and laundry folding budget crunching. The absence of children doesn't make my life any less complicated. This is also true of jobs and relationships and every other part of the human experience.
This is the way life goes. It's complicated sometimes. Yet, it doesn't have to be so isolated if we could all just stop and listen. That's my current challenge for myself--to let people feel their feelings and live their moments and respond to them as they see fit. Honestly, I've got enough on my plate to try to take over..and the risk of invalidation is just too great. If we ever have a chance at improving the world, we have to start hearing what people have to say and stop falling for the fallacy that it is any reflection on our own beliefs.
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