Skip to main content

Suffocating

I'm on repeat right now. It's after 10. I'm half paying attention to the television while the rest of my brain is berating me for not doing the writing work I need to do and hoping I don't burn the dinner that no one will eat. I just checked the rice. It looks okay.

I'm miserable. Sad. Melancholy. I'm a walking checklist for depression. Without any obvious trigger, I start to cry, sometimes small trickles of tears and sometimes gasping sobs. I spend most of my waking moments wishing I could just go to sleep and much of the night watching reruns that don't make me laugh. I'd love to laugh.

I'm late for work every day. My house is a wreck. Most of my conversations--even with my best friends--consist of me nodding and filing away in my head some really mean things I want to say. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. A really long time. I'm almost to the point that I want to ask the doctor for meds, but making an appointment is a daunting task.

The only anchor I'm clinging to is that the Earth is still moving around the sun. Tomorrow will arrive. Next year will show up. At some point along the way there has to be a moment of clarity or an answer. I take that back. THIS is my moment of clarity. Now I'm just waiting for an answer and praying like hell that I'll survive long enough to figure it out.

Comments

CountessLaurie said…
I'm so sorry for your struggle. I have been feeling much the same. There are several huge things going on in my life that are overwhelming me. I also just started thyroid medication. I wonder how much is the stress and how much might be the medication causing it. I will be calling the doctor soon. I don't think we should wait much longer. Even if it's just to help us through the roughest part. Hugs to you!!
3:20 PM
frabjouspoet said…
Thank you so much for sharing! It does help to know others go through the same thing. I hope you feel better soon!
3:30 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pardon the Interruption

It's 10:00. My race clothes are laying across the top of the dog crate. I've already consumed my all-natural sleep aid. The alarm is set for 4:45 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but my mind is spinning at an unnatural rate. Remember this poem ? The subject of that poem married just a few weeks ago, and I just finished looking through his wedding photos. It's a strange feeling. Not one of loss. Or Regret. Or even wistfulness. I'm thoroughly happy for both of them in a way that will seriously not make sense to most of the people I know. I suppose there will always be an odd sense of knowing in a situation like this. I know the feel of those lips. I've seen that look in his eyes. What I felt for him was real and pure and drives the feeling of satisfaction that is currently overwhelming me. I love knowing that he's in love--even if it's not with me. I even saved my favorite photo to my computer because the image stirred something in me that needs to be sti...
3 comments
Read more

On Muchness

A dear friend confessed to me last night that he had lost his muchness and found it again. I confessed the same and even admitted the ridiculous series of events that recently sapped my own muchness. That little confession seemed to do wonders. It's so easy to fall out of step with myself. In fact, I do it quite naturally. Growing up in a Christian home, I took to heart the instructions to love my neighbor more than I love myself. Oh, wait! I just checked the scripture. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I may have been doing this the wrong way. I ended 2010 with the resolution that I would no longer make decisions out of fear. I am starting 2011 with the resolution to make decisions based on what I want. I've struggled with this because I've always believed that I should consider the needs and wants of others before my own. I'd like to think this is a valiant approach, but the truth is that it only leads to martyrdom...and I don't think I was given the opp...
2 comments
Read more

TMI and Tidal Waves

As usual, it's been a busy week around these parts, and none of my activities this week involved running. If my grandmother could hear at the moment and complete a sentence without hacking up a lung, she'd ask me what's wrong. I'd have to confess that my eczema has flared up in this oh-so-cold-there's-ice-on-my-car south Florida weather, and my skin is so itchy that I have bruises up and down my limbs from all the scratching I've been doing. There are some days I'm relieved to know men with calloused hands. (Before you take that last comment too seriously, remind yourself that I am writing this at 9:30 on a Friday night.) Anyway... I met up for coffee with someone last night who proved to stoke my creative juices. I'll spare you the details of the conversation, but I did have to stop him mid sentence to point out that that particular conversation will most definitely become part of "La Isla Encontrada." Fortunately, he agreed to it, and I fully...
3 comments
Read more