I vividly remember telling my mother that all I wanted out of life was to be a real person. (I had just finished reading The Velveteen Rabbit, and Skin Horse's words were rolling around in my head.) I honestly set out to be someone reliable and honest and true to herself and her beliefs. What wonderful aspirations I had!
Then reality set in. I wanted to be honest, but I didn't want to hurt feelings or lose a friendship. I wanted to stick to my beliefs, but they waivered in the face of my crumbling home life. I wanted to be reliable, but I often questioned if I was even there for myself. Speaking of myself, how could I be true when I didn't even know who I was?
Last August I started what became long term therapy. In one of my first sessions, we did a little visualization. I was supposed to be on the beach with myself. This was difficult. What did I look like? How would I know it was me? Did I even want to find myself? I desperately wanted to wrap my hand around "my hand" and walk along the beach, perfectly content with my own company, but I was nowhere in sight.
It's a sobering moment to realize that you're hiding from yourself. When asked what I was afraid of, I immediately responded that I was afraid of looking into my soul and finding a wasteland. Emptiness. Darkness. Nothingness.
This weekend, I felt the first real challenge to dig deep and figure out who I am and what I'm all about. I've already started this process. I have pages of lists inside my current journal, but I need to process these further. This seems as good a place as any to start. Perhaps this is the way to lure my soul out of hiding so we can finally take that moonlit walk along the shore.
~My Favorite Things: Christmas Lights~
I LOVE Christmas lights. I can live without the tree, the stockings, the ribbons, and mistletoe...but don't take away my lights. They are so beautiful, shining like tiny stars strung around the room. They are mesmerizing. I can't remember the first time I fell in love with Christmas lights, but it's probably wrapped up somewhere with my memories of Christmas and peaceful evenings spent in the glow of the lights. I can't help but feel at peace with the world around me. They make me contemplative and in awe of the wonders of the world. All that from a string of tiny light.
One of my favorite surprises was after class one night, my husband picked me up and drove me home. The light inside was glowing red. He laughed and said the light burned out and all he could find to replace it was a red bulb. I totally bought the story and walked into my livingroom that had been completely surrounded with multi-colored Christmas lights! I was in heaven! When he went out of town, I'd turn on the lights and feel a little less lonely.
Then reality set in. I wanted to be honest, but I didn't want to hurt feelings or lose a friendship. I wanted to stick to my beliefs, but they waivered in the face of my crumbling home life. I wanted to be reliable, but I often questioned if I was even there for myself. Speaking of myself, how could I be true when I didn't even know who I was?
Last August I started what became long term therapy. In one of my first sessions, we did a little visualization. I was supposed to be on the beach with myself. This was difficult. What did I look like? How would I know it was me? Did I even want to find myself? I desperately wanted to wrap my hand around "my hand" and walk along the beach, perfectly content with my own company, but I was nowhere in sight.
It's a sobering moment to realize that you're hiding from yourself. When asked what I was afraid of, I immediately responded that I was afraid of looking into my soul and finding a wasteland. Emptiness. Darkness. Nothingness.
This weekend, I felt the first real challenge to dig deep and figure out who I am and what I'm all about. I've already started this process. I have pages of lists inside my current journal, but I need to process these further. This seems as good a place as any to start. Perhaps this is the way to lure my soul out of hiding so we can finally take that moonlit walk along the shore.
~My Favorite Things: Christmas Lights~
I LOVE Christmas lights. I can live without the tree, the stockings, the ribbons, and mistletoe...but don't take away my lights. They are so beautiful, shining like tiny stars strung around the room. They are mesmerizing. I can't remember the first time I fell in love with Christmas lights, but it's probably wrapped up somewhere with my memories of Christmas and peaceful evenings spent in the glow of the lights. I can't help but feel at peace with the world around me. They make me contemplative and in awe of the wonders of the world. All that from a string of tiny light.
One of my favorite surprises was after class one night, my husband picked me up and drove me home. The light inside was glowing red. He laughed and said the light burned out and all he could find to replace it was a red bulb. I totally bought the story and walked into my livingroom that had been completely surrounded with multi-colored Christmas lights! I was in heaven! When he went out of town, I'd turn on the lights and feel a little less lonely.
Comments