This world is kinder to the kind that won't look back
They are a chosen few, among us now, unbowed somehow
And one day he looked at me, and before I took one breath
I knew I would only see his shadow in what light was left
And those who need adventure, they can sail the seven seas
And those who search for treasure, they must live on grander dreams
I didn't write those words, but I've often wished I did. This song is about moving on and letting go of the past...a concept I wish I could grasp. Instead, I find myself sitting in a revolving door of bitter memories and self-loathing wishing and wondering when I'll finally take the jump to one side of the building or the other.
What's funny (in a peculiar, not "ha ha" way) to me is that the centrifigal force holding me in my mental prison is my own fear of sharing myself with the world. For much of my life, the image I needed to portray to the world was one of strength and steel. This is very much part of my nature. My father's family is from New England, and I firmly believe that much of my resolve is encoded in my DNA from their New England granite. Somewhere along the way, people around me developed the idea that I am strong, resolute, moral to a fault, and always do the right thing. The truth is far from that ideal.
What's sad is that these people don't know the real me. That's no surprise, since I keep her locked away tightly. She's made some appearances after a few too many drinks or a rash of sleepless nights. I've had a hard time finding the balance between ice queen and Lady Godiva. (Fingers crossed...one day!) I guess I have a hard time finding the real me and showing her off in public. I wonder if the world is ready for it. Will everyone laugh at me? Will they talk about me behind my back? Will anyone ever understand me? Or maybe I'm just way too self absorbed...never doubt that possibility.
Now I have too many questions and not enough answers. I think a good night alone under the stars, some poetry writing, and several tears (especially the tears) will clear my head. For now, I'm retreating back to my revolving door, watching the "real" people move effortlessly past me.
I snapped this picture from Deck 14 on the Sovereign of the Seas Friday night. I was mesmerized by the silver streaks of moonlight over the Atlantic. I promise this is a real photograph that I took. Look closely and you will see the light glow of the clouds in the sky. This was a private moment between me and God. Moonlight has always spoken to my soul. I often feel like the ocean...deceptively alluring with a dangerous undercurrent and depths filled with indescribable treasure. :)
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<3 Christy