In the course of a day I have a million and half thoughts that run through my mind. Although I love to share them, I just don't always find the time to do so, but today's is really significant.
I talked for a few minutes today with a friend of mine. She asked about what was going on and I replied in my typical fashion. Her response was a gentle shake of her head and a, "Girl, you're way more trusting than I am." My reply was, "I went to Peru by myself and wandered the streets of Lima at night alone. Is this really any different?"
Her only response was, "I guess not."
I know I'm a bit of a risk taker. I trust too much. But the same people who wonder about my sanity also never fail to point out that I've lived quite a life in a short amount of time.
The path I'm on is not an easy one. I never expected that it would be, and it very well may lead to serious heartbreak. That's just the way it goes sometimes. I'm no stranger to tears and sleepless nights. It's all part of the beauty of life.
All this got me thinking about risk. I currently have a love in my life unlike anything I've ever experienced before. It appeared in the most unlikely of places, and anyone who knows me knows I was never searching for this. It's not that I believe in destiny or fate or any other philosophy that absolves me of my own involvement in my choices. But as my mother said recently, "Sometimes things in life just don't make sense."
I understand the variables at work, and if I was any of the people in my life, I'd probably be saying the same words to myself. I also know that I've taken the path of least resistance. I made the smart choice. I was married to a man with a good paying job who seemed like a solid individual with strong values. Anyone who ever met him adored him and thought he was the finest of upstanding citizens.
Twelve years later... One affair. Unemployment. Abandonment. Near bankruptcy. There are no guarantees. I know that. You know that. The best of intentions can lead to disaster.
Right now I'm choosing the one thing I didn't have before.
He adores me in ways that I don't quite understand. He talks to me in ways that few people have been able to manage. He's not perfect, and I am well aware of his imperfections. I live with them. I also live with someone who looks at me with deep conviction...and it cannot be faked.
If nothing else, I have another set of beautiful memories. I can walk away now and sort through the heartbreak and know that for this moment in my life I was loved in a way that I never thought possible. In the most unlikely of places.
And that's love. It's the greatest risk we can possibly take, and I'm still in awe of that. I'm in awe of the fact that we still seek to cultivate it knowing that it has no guarantee. Yet, when you find it, you know it, and I truly believe that the only course of action is to follow where it leads.
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