7 days. 2 sunsets viewed along winding southern roads. 20 hours behind the wheel. 17 hours of Pearl Jam. That was my Christmas, and I loved just about every minute of it. It was a bit different, mostly in good ways. I did not decorate the house. I decided to forgo my annual reminiscing over my collection of ornaments and the memories I've attached to them. I consolidated my shopping list. I did not agonize over finding the right gift for a significant other. I did last minute shopping with my sister and giggled with my nephews. I ran Lake Hollingsworth on Christmas Eve. I helped my grandmother cook dinner. I read books to my cousins' children. I took a much needed road trip to visit family in South Carolina and thoroughly enjoyed my southern roots there. I read a self-help book. And then there was the Pearl Jam. It was delightful. Now I'm gearing up for what will be a very different New Year's celebration and cannot wait to see how that will unfold. I truly believe that...

If you can't read the stars, you'd better have a map, a compass and a conscience so you don't get lost at sea around some lonely island no one wants to be. From the beginning of creation, I think our Maker had a plan for us to leave these shores and sail beyond the sand. A friend of mine played this song for me this morning, and it spoke to my soul in a way that I didn't know I needed. I've been feeling that "stuck in a moment" feeling lately that has me vacillating between the life extremes of safety and adventure and desperately afraid that my form of compromise will be one of monotony. (I fear little in life more than monotony.) This is not a new struggle. In fact, it's been part of me for as long as I can remember. Something deep within me is compelled to explore and experience and cram my mind with as many memories as possible. I've suppressed it well for most of my life, but when the soul calls and aches, you can ignore it for only so long. I...

Is it just me, or does life seem to seep out in pieces? Even when we seem to be blindsided by news or events, they still often crept up on us in a slow, steady pattern. (The surprise, I think, is usually the result of our own blissful ignorance.) It's a bit surprising to me what can happen when you have way too much spare time and take up a running habit. Perhaps none of you are as surprised as I was this week when it finally dawned on me that I am finally near the end of a fourteen-year weight loss journey. Twenty-five pounds to go. 25 pounds. Fifty-three pounds ago, this moment seemed so far away. I used to resent seeing articles in magazines talking about the last 25 or 10 pounds. I could never seem to get there, no matter how many carbs I cut or hours I spent on the elliptical. This time, without even realizing how my body has been changing and eating a steady diet of convenience food (Boca Burgers are the most amazing product ever created!), the pounds have seemed to almost ru...

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in southwest Florida, although still a bit too warm for my November tastes. I'm learning to enjoy my weekends with as much unstructured and unscheduled time as possible. Last Saturday was a delightful unstructured day. A new friend of mine (the one from the Everglades excursion) and I went to a local carnival. Now, here's the thing...I LOVE carnivals. The food. The people. The rides. The lights. I can easily spend an entire day wandering through the crowds. He's no carnival slouch. The first thing we did was walk through the entire place, scoping out the rides. Then the fun began. We rode almost every ride there (except for the kiddie attractions and the broken Tornado). The Wild Claw. The Scrambler. The Orbiter. The Space Oddysey. The Swings. The Pharaoh's Fury. The Ferris Wheel. The Giant Slide. The Haunted House. The Avalanche. It was all good. How can you top a ride that uses centrifugal force to plaster your body against...

I'm feeling an intense ache today. It's deep within, and the best way I can describe it is like the way it feels to eat just a tiny amount of food when you have been so famished you didn't even realize you were hungry. Yep. I think that's it. I spent eleven hours yesterday with one of the most interesting people I've ever met. We hopped in an old Jeep without doors and cruised down US41 with plans to go to a shooting range. After missing our turn and ending up halfway to Miami, we did some Old Florida touristy things like visit the Florida Skunk Ape Museum (where I got to hold a 60 pound albino python). Eventually, we found the shooting range, and I was able to prove that I'm not a bad shot. (I was actually told that I was a natural with a gun.) Later, he made dinner for me that consisted of fish and lobster he caught himself. It was absolutely delicious. I'm impressed. I hope he feels the same way. If I've learned anything from dating, I've learned ...

I went to my favorite yoga class this morning. If you're ever in southwest Florida you should stop by to see this place. It's a bit Dharma-esque in both the setting and nature of the people who visit, and it's certainly worth the time just to explore the grounds. I like it. During the meditation portion of the class, I pray. Today--sitting in the rays of the morning sun, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind--I was overcome with gratitude. You know the kind of gratitude that rises from your belly and washes over your body? That's it. I am daily amazed at the wonders around me. A body that has pushed and prodded through races and intense yoga classes. A job that gives me the opportunity to give back to a community. A bevy of friends who make me laugh. A dog that greets me each day like I'm the greatest person on the planet. A family who loves me. A world of opportunity, if I'm willing to accept it. I feel so blessed. All I could do this morning was thank my...

I finally made it to the running store this weekend and walked out with a new pair of running shoes designed to correct my supination, a water bottle belt, sample tubes of glucose gel, stuff to prevent blisters on my feet, and a running-themed car magnet. I feel like a real runner now...it was the magnet that did it! Running and I have had a love-hate relationship lately, and I won't bore you with all the details. The thought of running more than 4 miles right now is a bit overwhelming, mostly because I'm desperately afraid of boredom. You see, I really can't listen to music when I run. It bores me. I can't read when I run (that's only possible on a treadmill anyway). My mind is so crammed these days that it can't even begin to unwind. Yet, I love the way my body is changing. I can finally feel the bones in my hips again. My rear is lifting before my very eyes. My knees are starting to get a knobby look to them that I see only on runners. You should see my legs....

One of the more interesting parts of dating in my thirties has been the ex-files. At this stage in life, it's inevitable that my date and I both have stories of dates (and partners) past. These stories seep out over time, and you know I'm a sucker for the story about anyone's life. I like to listen to them. After hearing about "the one who got away" and "the one who never left" and "the one who called six times in a row at two in the morning crying," I wondered about my story. What does my "ex-file" say about me? I can't even answer that question because it's entirely framed in the perspective of the other person. Like everyone else, I like to think that my exes remember me as a beautiful, generous, and fun woman. Yet, I know there's a possibility that they frame me in the light of my flaws. Sometimes I wish I could be in the room listening to the new woman as she hears the story of "this woman I dated". None of ...

The wee hours of the morning are my favorite time of day. The world is still and filled with a subtle sense of promise just before the new day unfolds. I've savored this precious time across the country and never seem to get enough of it. But I like this time on my own terms. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00. I looked at the clock, closed my eyes, and tried to drift back into what slumber I could still get in the next hour. No such luck! Instead, I crawled out of bed and went out to my porch to enjoy what I could. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me, but I haven't slept in 3 days. I've been waking every hour, and nothing is worse than opening your eyes just to see 1:00...2:13...3:07...4:42. I'm not a big fan of sleep, but I do like to get at least 4 or 5 straight hours of shut-eye. I'm coasting through my day on energy fumes! Anyway, if I've learned anything in my time on this earth, I know to listen to my body. Something's up in my world. I don...

Since the writer in me has re-emerged, I thought it only fitting to get off my butt and do something with it. So I joined a local writers group that meets on Tuesdays. I RSVPed for tonight's meeting and cranked out an essay about saying good-bye. With my wares in hand, I drove to the meeting. And drove. And drove. And drove. Why do buildings not put their address number on the outside? Will I ever learn to get directions BEFORE I leave the house? I never found the coffeeshop. I suppose tonight wasn't supposed to be my night. It's a good essay. Really good. I read it to a friend tonight over the phone. She loved the essay, but was surprised to hear that I was so willing to share such a personal story with strangers. I guess she hasn't read my blog. I can't imagine NOT sharing personal informaton with strangers. Since I didn't get to do it in the glory of a coffeeshop, I'll share a little bit here with my friends in cyberland. So grab a cup of your favorite ho...

Ok, so once again I'm running behind on my to-do list. I recently started reading Randy Alcorn's new book, If God is Good and was supposed to post a review last week. So here goes. As the title says, this book takes a look at the question, "if God is good, then why is there evil in the world?" It has some interesting answers. Most were not new to me, but some were interesting. I had never before heard of the "open theist" view that asserts that evil is in the world because God has limited knowledge of how humans will use what is given to us. Alcorn presents the case against this view very clearly. I like the question and answer format because it allows you to peruse the topics at your leisure. All in all, it looks like a decent book that serious tackles the issue at hand.

I feel like I should explain a bit about the crazy busy-ness of my life these days. Someone asked me last week how it was possible to be a single woman without children and never seem to have available time. I have no real answer for that question. This fullness has been exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time. I've found comraderie that I never had in my marriage and have enjoyed the freedom to plan my time as I see fit. That means that I don't have to consider anyone else's interests or feelings. I've been busy sucking up this marrow in my life. I'll be honest. I'm not sure what I've been doing lately is interesting enough to other people to warrant a post here. Do you really want to hear about my classroom? Or dates? Or my daily naps in the early evening? Or the night I sat in front of the turned off t.v. and stared while my thoughts ran rampant? Somewhere in the thoughts swarming in my head, I lost track of something I really wanted to share. I ...

I'm a relatively practical person when it comes to interactions with other people. I don't know if that is just the result of my life experiences or my interest in psychology. Not that that matters, of course. What does matter is that I boil things down to a few simple equations. human+human=sticky situations human drama+me=I'm outta here I've learned, often the hard way, that I don't need extra complications in my life. There are enough there already. What I don't understand is why people feel the need to let the drama brew and fester and turn into an emotional infection that leaves scar tissue in its wake. Take, for instance, what I recently said to someone about my view of human relationships. In a perfect world, I like some qualities in another person and would like to have them as part of my life. If they feel the same way about me, great. If not, that's great, too, because I only want to be surrounded by people who also want to surround me. I guess thi...

A few weeks ago I spent some time in one of the most interesting, uncomfortable conversations of my life. I have never before talked with someone who probed as deeply as this man did into the far recesses of my brain. I spent the rest of the afternoon deep in thought trying to recover the emotional side of my being. I've since been told that this is what it's like to talk to me. I mention this because I've been very aware lately of how my communication style is very different from most everyone else's. Some people call it being direct. I've called it "turning my brain inside out". Today I found a new description: "for the sake of expressing your truth". That's it. As I roll around this line in my head, I can't help but wonder why more people cannot grasp this concept. I know the answer, but it still doesn't seem adequate. You see, truth is truth. I've talked openly about going through intensive therapy sessions. I've told peop...

I'm in the Orlando area this weekend. I've spent a delightful few days surrounded by and laughing with loved ones and am now soaking in a few hours completely to myself in my favorite coffee shop in Kissimmee. Spending the afternoon in the town where I lived for the majority of my married life is a bittersweet feeling. So much has changed that I barely recognize the street corners. At the same time, no amount of real estate development can strip the landmarks etched into my memory of the life I lived here. While stopped at a light in front of Old Town, I felt an unfamiliar twinge in my heart. I know that place well because for a few years it was the source of one of my few joys. In the darkest days of my marriage I would drive out to Old Town, buy some tickets, and ride the Scrambler. As I was thrown from side to side in the carriage, lights strobing around my eyes, I would laugh. No matter how crappy I felt inside, I could laugh sitting there. So I would ride as much as possib...

I met a most extraordinary child today. She is a delightful third grader who stole my heart with her smile and bright blue eyes. We (her mother, grandmother, and siblings) sat on her grandmother's gorgeous wrap around porch taking in the gentle breeze blowing through the pine trees and palmettos. It's an old-Florida setting that makes me think of Majorie Kinnan Rawlings in the middle of the Florida scrub writing her novels. You cannot sit there without taking a deep breath and letting the heavy, late summer air soak into your skin and draw out your anxiety. Hannah drew imaginary drawings with her fingertips in the round wooden table and told us that she cannot wait until she is an adult and a teacher. Her older sister cautioned her that she didn't want to grow up fast because that meant she had to pay bills. Without skipping a beat, Hannah looked up and said, "Yes, I do want to pay my bills and have a job because that means I'm living my life. You have to live your...

Perhaps the greatest surprise for me in the aftermath of my divorce has been what other people have to say about what I have been and should be doing with my life...especially dating. During a recent conversation I made the remark, "everyone has fifty-million pieces of conflicting advice". Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the advice. What I don't get is how to sort through it all. I'm not kidding...it's all completely contradictory. I'm slowly coming to the realization that none of it matters in the end. What does matter is finding what resonates with me and trusting that. I'll be honest. It scares the hell out of me. I don't like to make mistakes. I prefer to know the outcome before I get started. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever reach the point when I can honestly sit back and say, "Whatever happens, happens." Then again, that's pretty much how I see it all. This path before me is filled with possibilities, and I like t...

I know this will come as a complete shock to anyone who knows me, but yesterday I was given the official diagnosis of "wrapped-too-tight". What? Me? The super hero of all super heroes? This reminds me of my favorite line in Five for Fighting's "Superman": Even heroes have the right to bleed. I'm trying to "bleed" now, and this is not a simple task for someone who carries the weight of her world around on her slumped shoulders. To say that I've been "under pressure" lately is the understatement of the century, and I'm one of those people who carry stress so well that I don't notice it. Interrupted sleep. Jolts running through my muscles. Weird pains in my back and legs. Racing thoughts. I push through the subtle warning signs in a frantic attempt to duct tape my world together and keep up the appearance that it's all under control. It's not. Well, not completely. And that duct tape is just so tempting. Armed with this n...

One of the regular refrains I hear from the people around me is about my attitude. "That's a healthy way to see things." "You're such an inspiration." "I don't know how you smile the way you do." The truth is that I don't see any other option. Each day I have to make one of two choices: wallow in a sea of self-pity and mistakes or accept what is in front of me and move on from there. Each day--sometimes with more of a struggle than others--I make the choice to move. The fact of the matter is that I married a man who was dishonest with and unfaithful to me. We should be divorced in a few days. I now live alone. I have to do yard work. I don't get to kiss anyone good night. This is my life. And there's still life there. I eat. I laugh. I talk. I smile. Life is moving forward, and I am moving with it. It's the only choice that makes sense.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now staring at my computer screen. I type a sentence, think about it for a minute, and then delete it. Words and ideas flood my head, but I can't seem to focus them in one direction long enough to complete a thought that is worthy of sharing with anyone. Right now I'm thinking of when I'm going to deal with yard work again, paying my ridiculously high cell phone bill, dating, divorce, running, my own self-image, the fact that I need to start feeding my body decent food, listing my house for sale, and the occasional reminder that I need to buy more water and cat food. And perhaps some food for myself. That's on my mind, but what I really want to share are some of the ideas I've been toying with in my head. The aging process for women. The joy of knowing you are exactly where you're supposed to be in life. The connectedness of the world around us. The process of carving out a life in line with your values. I even have a few more ...