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I Suck

When I decided to start this blog, I intended for it to be a reflection of the lessons I'm learning on the paths of my life. I haven't written anything lately because I couldn't think of anything worthy of a post. I've been in a crummy mood. I feel stagnant. I'm having a hard time seeing anything praisworthy around me. Right now I really want to just hop on a plane and fly as far away as I can.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that if I'm going to be true to my ideas here, I need to be honest. So here goes...

I have an infected spot on my leg. I know this isn't a pleasant thought, but it's there. It's really gross. I'm worried about it constantly. It's embarrassing. It's not healing quickly enough for me. The spot has grown larger in the last 5 days. This spot is a physical representation of the festering wound inside my soul.

There is a place in my soul that is wounded. I've done a fantastic job avoiding it--covering it up with bandages of passive-aggressive behavior, overeating, over exercising, working too much, etc. In the last year, I've been lancing away the outer shell of this wound. This process has proven to be worrisome, not quickly enough for my taste, embarrassing, and at times, really gross.

Tonight it's festering. I'm looking around at my life wondering just what I've surrounded myself with that brings me joy, but it's hard to see in the dark. I can accept the fact that this is the life I have to live (even if it's not the one I planned on). But I wonder if the motions I go through each day are really living. Or if they're what I'm supposed to be living.

So that's the ugly spot inside me right now. It needs some attention, but I don't know where to begin. And I'm so afraid that I'll start scraping away and find that it's eaten away my soul. A line from "Lucia, Lucia" comes to mind: You need to cry and then go on vacation. Maybe that's a start.

Comments

Anne said…
Sounds like you need (1) a long talk (2) a radical change and (3) a doctor for that leg. Seriously.

Do you need to talk? I know i hate it when i suck, and i wouldn't wish sucking on anyone else. Well... ok, one or two people, but not you. :)
6:09 PM
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