Skip to main content

I Suck

When I decided to start this blog, I intended for it to be a reflection of the lessons I'm learning on the paths of my life. I haven't written anything lately because I couldn't think of anything worthy of a post. I've been in a crummy mood. I feel stagnant. I'm having a hard time seeing anything praisworthy around me. Right now I really want to just hop on a plane and fly as far away as I can.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that if I'm going to be true to my ideas here, I need to be honest. So here goes...

I have an infected spot on my leg. I know this isn't a pleasant thought, but it's there. It's really gross. I'm worried about it constantly. It's embarrassing. It's not healing quickly enough for me. The spot has grown larger in the last 5 days. This spot is a physical representation of the festering wound inside my soul.

There is a place in my soul that is wounded. I've done a fantastic job avoiding it--covering it up with bandages of passive-aggressive behavior, overeating, over exercising, working too much, etc. In the last year, I've been lancing away the outer shell of this wound. This process has proven to be worrisome, not quickly enough for my taste, embarrassing, and at times, really gross.

Tonight it's festering. I'm looking around at my life wondering just what I've surrounded myself with that brings me joy, but it's hard to see in the dark. I can accept the fact that this is the life I have to live (even if it's not the one I planned on). But I wonder if the motions I go through each day are really living. Or if they're what I'm supposed to be living.

So that's the ugly spot inside me right now. It needs some attention, but I don't know where to begin. And I'm so afraid that I'll start scraping away and find that it's eaten away my soul. A line from "Lucia, Lucia" comes to mind: You need to cry and then go on vacation. Maybe that's a start.

Comments

Anne said…
Sounds like you need (1) a long talk (2) a radical change and (3) a doctor for that leg. Seriously.

Do you need to talk? I know i hate it when i suck, and i wouldn't wish sucking on anyone else. Well... ok, one or two people, but not you. :)
6:09 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pardon the Interruption

It's 10:00. My race clothes are laying across the top of the dog crate. I've already consumed my all-natural sleep aid. The alarm is set for 4:45 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but my mind is spinning at an unnatural rate. Remember this poem ? The subject of that poem married just a few weeks ago, and I just finished looking through his wedding photos. It's a strange feeling. Not one of loss. Or Regret. Or even wistfulness. I'm thoroughly happy for both of them in a way that will seriously not make sense to most of the people I know. I suppose there will always be an odd sense of knowing in a situation like this. I know the feel of those lips. I've seen that look in his eyes. What I felt for him was real and pure and drives the feeling of satisfaction that is currently overwhelming me. I love knowing that he's in love--even if it's not with me. I even saved my favorite photo to my computer because the image stirred something in me that needs to be sti...
3 comments
Read more

Trying to Keep It All Together

The title of this post is a bit of a misnomer. Just this morning I said, "I'm having a hard time getting it together right now." I'm in one of those periods when showing up is the best I can offer, and I can't even guarantee that. That said, I just popped on here to share that I'm struggling. I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now. Some of it is easy to spot. Some of it I've tucked away because it's either terribly painful or terribly embarrassing--at least to me. Some of it was inevitable. Some of it was a surprise. All of it rises up into the center of my chest and begs me to stop for a moment to acknowledge it. It's doing that right now even as I type this. I'm having a hard time getting it together right now.
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome 2010

This has been an interesting beginning to the new year. The evening began with a beer and air hockey challenge, which I handily lost. This was followed with some extreme go cart racing and more beer, a dinner that consisted of leftovers from one of my favorite South Carolina restaurants and homemade fried zucchini. And more beer. I saw "The Hangover" for the fourth time and laughed like an idiot. After the ball dropped in Times Square, I saw pieces of "Public Enemy" and finally crawled into bed around 2:00 a.m. and stayed there until 11:00 this morning. I spent today playing with a dog, watching college football, and hanging out with one of my current favorite people. I don't do the whole new year resolution thing. However, I do believe in taking a look at the lessons I've learned and the experiences that have unfolded for me in the previous year. Anyone who reads this blog can already figure out that my divorce, running, and dating again have greatly influe...
5 comments
Read more