Skip to main content

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

I'm feeling a little melodramatic right now. I've seen two doctors now. One (my GP) gave me two options for what's going on on my leg. The other (dermatologist) said one of the previous options was more likely. I prefer that diagnosis, but it's funny how the mind works. Even though I want to believe the dermatologist, my mind keeps searching for other signs that my GP is right.

Maybe I am a hypochondriac. When something is awry, I immediately begin searching for all the possibilities. Last December my right foot started going numb. My final conclusion was that is must be MS. After several encouragements to "not stress" and a painful EMG, I received a "You do have some nerve damage, but I don't think it's MS" conclusion.

I said all that to say that I know the way I think. I want answers immediately and with assurance. I've been face to face lately with my desire to control all aspects of my life and coming to grips with the fact that I have so little control. I guess that's the crux of it for me now.

In the back of my mind, I really believe that I have this all-consuming power to control not only my reactions, but also those around me. I actually accept the guilt for other people. I saw on Dr. Phil earlier a woman who didn't want to tell a waiter that he was awful because she thought he might get fired over it and kill himself. That seems so drastic, but I so identify with her.

I titled this "The Valley of the Shadow of Death" because although I'm not dying (that I know of :)), I think I'm slowly beginning to see how the Lord guides us through trying situations. This crazy part of my mind is telling me "That's it! You're damaged now! It's all over!" I'm still scared. I'm still in the dark. I'm still confused. I know that I'm supposed to rest in His care right now, but I'm finding it's so hard to just lie in those green pastures.

Why is it that I think I can control the whole world? Why do I feel the need to jump in and take over for the creator of the universe? It seems easier. It seems like I'm in control.

So I guess I'll experiment a little and see if I can figure out just what this resting is supposed to look like. I'm not even sure if I know how to let people take resposibility for themselves. It's worth a shot.

Comments

Rebecca Jeffries-Hyman said…
Please keep us up-to-date on your diagnosis - I'm keeping you in prayer and am worried for you. Rest assured that your soul is alive and well underneath whatever crusty goo it's surrounded with:) Otherwise, it wouldn't bother you in the least, and you'd probably have no urge to dig for it. From one melodramatic fool to another, hang in there and call me if you need to!
- Christy
1:13 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pardon the Interruption

It's 10:00. My race clothes are laying across the top of the dog crate. I've already consumed my all-natural sleep aid. The alarm is set for 4:45 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but my mind is spinning at an unnatural rate. Remember this poem ? The subject of that poem married just a few weeks ago, and I just finished looking through his wedding photos. It's a strange feeling. Not one of loss. Or Regret. Or even wistfulness. I'm thoroughly happy for both of them in a way that will seriously not make sense to most of the people I know. I suppose there will always be an odd sense of knowing in a situation like this. I know the feel of those lips. I've seen that look in his eyes. What I felt for him was real and pure and drives the feeling of satisfaction that is currently overwhelming me. I love knowing that he's in love--even if it's not with me. I even saved my favorite photo to my computer because the image stirred something in me that needs to be sti...
3 comments
Read more

Trying to Keep It All Together

The title of this post is a bit of a misnomer. Just this morning I said, "I'm having a hard time getting it together right now." I'm in one of those periods when showing up is the best I can offer, and I can't even guarantee that. That said, I just popped on here to share that I'm struggling. I'm dealing with a lot of loss right now. Some of it is easy to spot. Some of it I've tucked away because it's either terribly painful or terribly embarrassing--at least to me. Some of it was inevitable. Some of it was a surprise. All of it rises up into the center of my chest and begs me to stop for a moment to acknowledge it. It's doing that right now even as I type this. I'm having a hard time getting it together right now.
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome 2010

This has been an interesting beginning to the new year. The evening began with a beer and air hockey challenge, which I handily lost. This was followed with some extreme go cart racing and more beer, a dinner that consisted of leftovers from one of my favorite South Carolina restaurants and homemade fried zucchini. And more beer. I saw "The Hangover" for the fourth time and laughed like an idiot. After the ball dropped in Times Square, I saw pieces of "Public Enemy" and finally crawled into bed around 2:00 a.m. and stayed there until 11:00 this morning. I spent today playing with a dog, watching college football, and hanging out with one of my current favorite people. I don't do the whole new year resolution thing. However, I do believe in taking a look at the lessons I've learned and the experiences that have unfolded for me in the previous year. Anyone who reads this blog can already figure out that my divorce, running, and dating again have greatly influe...
5 comments
Read more