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Who Am I?

Women pretty much fall into one of three categories: Dominating Women [...You are weak and untrustworthy. I am strong. Let me lead and things will go fine...], Desolate Women [...Her heart is shut down. She hides behind her prayers and her 'good works of service'...], or Arousing Women [...A strong and self-confident woman, she is also soft and inviting...]. (from "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge)

Who am I? Sometimes I'm not sure. For much of my life I've not been sure. I've covered the full spectrum and still haven't found a safe place to land. I can't help but wonder just where that safe place is. I've received too many mixed messages to figure it out.

I'm intelligent...then someone felt stupid because I used a *big* word or rambled on about the cosmic theory of the Black Death.

I'm beautiful...then someone pointed out the width of my nose and my crooked smile and my round heart-shaped face.

I'm passionate...then someone accused me of being a bitch for having an opposing opinion and being willing to stand up for it.

I'm kind...then someone took advantage of my kindness and it cost me far too much money for emotional bandages and body casts.

I'm creative...then someone got scared because my idea challenged what was established and comfortable.

Someone will undoubtedly point out that each of my examples relies far too heavily on someone else's opinion. That's true, and I wanted to make a point with that. I know who I am. I know the soul God instilled in me. I also believe that He created me *just like this* for a very specific reason. And although other people certainly have an affect on me, the far greater concern is that there's always the chance that someone will find a negative spin on even my best qualities.

I'm still a little confused about just what a strong, self-confident, soft, and inviting woman looks like. Is her hair curled? Does she dress daily in shades of pink? How on earth would we know what she looks like? It's like a really bad "Who's on First" routine.

My experience tells me that when I'm strong, I find myself stuck with too many responsibilities and risk alienating people with both my competence and the effects of the added stress in my life. I've done self-confident and been blasted for my arrogance with too many, "Just who do you think you are walking around with your head held high like you think you're better than me" speeches. Soft and inviting leaves me worn out, spread too thin, and walked on. So I dig deep to find strength to go on and the cycle starts all over again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Is there really a way to win? Can I really be all that God has made me to be and find myself reveling in it? How do you respond to wounded people who lash out, especially when that person is a spouse or family member? How do you resist the overwhelming urge to pull away and hide the *pearls* of your soul from such a brutal world?

Comments

Christy said…
That's the million-dollar question. Wish I knew the answer. But it's also the definition of the artist's soul. The willingness to live through the torture of exposing yourself again and again, regardless of how you have self-defined in this moment.
But that is an excellent book - "Captivating" - one of my favorites.
2:48 PM
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