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No More "Why"

As we grow...we are less inclined to say, "I wonder why God allowed this or that?" And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. (My Utmost for His Highest, August 5)

I stopped asking "why" twenty days ago when I first read this. Oh, I still complain and cry and swear and wonder from time to time just how the minutiae of my life is shaping me into God's purpose. But I suppose that deep down I really believe this, so I keep trudging along through what seems like an unending field of uncertainty.

It's moments like this that make me really miss my therapist.

I'm in a pretty crummy state of mind. Chalk it up to the chaos in my life combined with the fact that I am married to a man who interprets everything that pours from my mouth as either, "you're stupid" or "you don't know how to manage money" or "you're irresponsible." Just a little while I go, as I listened to him tell me about how overwhelmed he is right now, I breathed loud enough for him to hear it over the phone.

"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Huh?"
"I was talking to you and you made a noise like you're saying I'm not responsible."
"I was just breathing and concentrating on coloring this poster."
"Oh. Well, it sounded..."

I wish I was exaggerating.

And now I need to write out lesson plans for the week (that's a whole other topic), finish laundry, pay bills, pack a back of clothes and various items we will need this week, straighten the house, and take care of a few incidentals around here while trying to convince the dog that it really is safe to pee in the backyard and is the same backyard she's been peeing in since she was 9 weeks old. We have to head back to Ft. Myers in the morning.

And he's the one who's overwhelmed.
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