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Every dream you can hitch your faith on...

I'm happily saying good-bye to April. My head is still pounding and my stomach is still churning from the emotional roller coaster this month has brought to my life. Right now, I'd be willing to invest my life's savings in emotional Dramamine, confident that I could make my fortune and be able to retire on a beach in South America before my passport tells me I'm forty years old.

I went to lunch with two of my dearest friends Friday. We have a chunk of time in the middle of the day that allows us to go off campus when we don't have meetings or duties, and Friday tends to be a good day for that. This week, we escaped to one of our favorite places. It's a small restaurant with only one English-speaking employee, and we all smell like the kitchen when we leave. The food is amazing and affordable and the atmosphere just cannot be beat, especially when the lone English-speaking employee is not there.

When we arrived back at the school, we still had a few minutes before the final classes of the day started. We stood in the hallway, and I confessed that I had trouble falling asleep the night before because of the panic that washed over me as my head hit the pillow.

What if none of it ever happens?

Then the mind race started spitting out questions faster than a car on an Indy track. What if no school in Brasil will hire you? What if you never sell your property? What if you never find the love of your life? What if you never get to write for a living? What if you never get to be a mom? What if you get stuck here in this moment until the day you die?

What if every dream buried in you is a sham?

I was relieved to know that I am not alone in these fears. It's difficult to be a dreamer. To be someone who knows that there is more to life than waking in the morning, punching a time card, and zoning out in front of a television at night.

I have no answers right now to any of those questions. All I know is that this is the beginning of the re-invention. The next evolution. I'm ready to see what new dimensions emerge from the time I plan to give myself. My summer plans are slowly starting to take shape, and they will involve lots of gym time and running, writing at the computer, photography, some car drives around the state to work on a book that's been in my head for years now, language practice, and as much time alone as I can find.

And keep your fingers crossed that the dreams aren't shams. I'll do the same for you.
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Christy said…
I certainly hope your summer plans can allow for another artists' retreat. We will need it so desperately, the girl and I.
And..um...call me? Message me? Something?
6:19 AM
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