While waiting for my modem to reboot (I think it misses me!), I read today's entry: Are you afraid and confused by the waves and the turbulence God sovereignly allows to enter your life?...Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him...But if you only try to worry your way out of the problem, you destroy His effectiveness in you. I needed the reminder that the waves and turbulence are sovereignly allowed, i.e. they are still part of the plan. No matter how much I wish I understood, I really don't need an intimate knowledge of the nuts and bolts of this chapter in my life. In the real world, the whole idea of not worrying yourself out of a problem is much easier said than done. I know in my head that worrying is just a guise of control that gives us the false sense of working on a problem. So I suppose a lot of this all goes back to the idea of one day at a time. I've spent a lot of time lately tryi

This picture does not do the sight justice. I saw this the entire way to work Friday morning. The sky was stunning. This is between Fort Myers and Immokalee along SR82. Here's one of the roosters in the school yard. There were three others on the other side of the building, too. So, it's not the greatest picture. I'll try again another day.

As we grow...we are less inclined to say, "I wonder why God allowed this or that?" And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. (My Utmost for His Highest, August 5) I stopped asking "why" twenty days ago when I first read this. Oh, I still complain and cry and swear and wonder from time to time just how the minutiae of my life is shaping me into God's purpose. But I suppose that deep down I really believe this, so I keep trudging along through what seems like an unending field of uncertainty. It's moments like this that make me really miss my therapist. I'm in a pretty crummy state of mind. Chalk it up to the chaos in my life combined with the fact that I am married to a man who interprets everything that pours from my mouth as either, "you're stupid" or "you don't know how to manage money" or "you're irresp

I'll have to be brief today even though there is so much I want to share! My first week at the new school is almost complete, and I really need some time to sit and process all the bits of information I've gathered about my students. Immokalee is an interesting town. Just to give you an idea of what it's like, my favorite Mexican restaurant here has a sticker vending machine with nothing but cross and Lady of Guadalupe stickers inside. The house is coming along...very slowly and with much aggrivation. I "think" we might be able to paint this weekend. My frightening thought this week: when you reach the point of wishing someone would die, it might be time to reconsider the situation. Yes, that really crossed my mind, and I feel the need to share it in the hope that someone else will chime in and make me feel not so crazy for thinking it. God surprised us last night with a very unexpected check that makes up for almost 2-weeks' worth of Alan's paycheck. I

It's been a busy week for me. I left my house at 4:30 Monday morning for my drive down south and pulled back in my driveway at 1:20 this morning. The days have been long, too, between working at the new school from 7:30 until 3:00 or 4:00 and then working at the new place until 9:00 or 10:00 each night. I now have callouses on my fingers and not one intact finger nail. I think I've also developed a new twitch somewhere on my face. One afternoon this week, I stood in the middle of our new living room and took in the sight of missing drywall, a growing hole in the floor and soaked up my husband's predictions that we still won't be ready to paint by the weekend. All I wanted to do was cry. All I felt was nothingness. Numbness. Anyone who has ever reached the point of numbness knows that it's scarier than feeling like you're falling apart. It's one step beyond feeling like you're falling apart. I couldn't help but wonder just what we had gotten ourselves

Ten years ago, give or take, I saw my first anime movie. I can't remember the name of it right now, but I do remember the one scene my boyfriend wanted me to see. In it, the main character is trying to pull off the cover to a manhole. She struggles so much against the weight of it that she literally rips away her flesh. That's kinda the way I feel right now. Only I'm not a Japanese cartoon. When I get the feeling that I want to rip my flesh away, I know I'm feeling just a tad stressed. The new place is coming along. I picked up some used kitchen cabinets today. They're a little beat up, but they can be painted and will hold all our souvenir mugs and wine glasses. For now they are in the garage. We both hate the idea of putting money into a temporary home for us, but some things have to be done. Like making sure we have a usable toilet seat. My daily refrain is, "Whatever is cheapest, dear!" For those of you keeping track or making bets, we now have kitchen

In case you didn't know, today is August 7. I have been waiting for this day for months now, thinking it would never get here and wishing it would take its time because the new school year was just around the corner. Eclipse was released today. My Barnes & Noble gift card has been burning a hole in my wallet waiting for the moment I crossed the threshold into the store. Everyone who knows me well knows that although I love learning and reading, I don't particularly care for fiction. Never have. I still read it from time to time, i.e. when I find something that resonates with me or truly revolts me. Poor Nadia has had to listen to me complain about the crap that gets published and I waste my time reading. (I owe you for that.) The exceptions for my anti-fiction rhetoric have been the Left Behind series and the Twilight series ( Stephenie Meyer's fantastic vampire series). Eclipse is the third book. Finally holding this book in my hands was like smelling a freshly showe

Life is beautiful. Making that statement right now makes me laugh because the rational part of my brain tells me that anyone with one half-packed house, one house with bathtubs that make gas station restrooms in the middle of nowhere Alabama look clean enough to eat out of, who is starting a new job on Monday but has nowhere within a three hour driving distance to sleep shouldn't say this. Yet, this is really the cry of my soul right now. We pulled weeds yesterday. At two o'clock. In southwest Florida. These weeds were scary beasts that stood taller than me, and for the most part they kicked my ass. I attempted to wash down some walls and gave up because the walls were no competition for my Brawny paper towels and Lysol, so I walked through the new place and got a feel for where I want the furniture to go. And fought back tears. Then I drove three hours home last night with a headache so severe that I don't actually remember much of the drive. As sure as I'm sitting her

Right now I'm having flashbacks to the days when my parents would storm into my bedroom once a year with trash bags and threats of sending me to a homeless shelter and make me clean the train wreck that was my bedroom. I'd end up spending the entire day in there, sorting all my junk into piles of clothes, stuffed animals, books, papers to keep, and papers that if I have to throw away something can go. Inevitably, I'd reach the end of the project and sit in the middle of the floor with my one last cubic foot of "stuff" and cry. It's not that I was sad to be finished. It was that that last little bit just confounded me like a Cubist painting. Nothing seemed to make sense enough to sort. Yeah, my house is like that right now. That's why I'm on the computer right now. I've actually cleaned off about half of the stuff that was on the coffee table this morning. (The dogs are a real help.) The kitchen is coming along. I actually have four cabinets cleared

I've been feeling a bit frustrated today. I'm sure the process of packing up a house, getting settled with a new job, and all that goes along with moving have something to do with it. I just have something I cannot get out of my head. I spent several hours on the phone recently with someone, and what I gained from that conversation was a very real fact for me. I make the worst decisions when I base my choices on what I think someone else wants or what I think they will give or do for me through that decision. The sad part is that for a long time that's how I made all my decisions, and I felt completely justified because it seemed so selfless at the time. In the end, though, I'd feel cheated because I compromised and ended up with nothing to show for it but a lot of heartache and embarrassment. What I'm discovering is that I must make my choices based on what I know is true. That can sometimes mean sorting fact from fiction. That can also mean falling back on basic p