I've been behind on posting anything here because I've had so many thoughts and ideas running through my mind that I wasn't able to effectively categorize them into posts. It finally dawned on me that I wasn't going to sort them, so I'll just make this my little "thought potpourri". Here goes...
Pain. I'll start with the easy stuff. :) One of the more prominent thoughts I've been working through is the concept of pain. I look around me and see hurting people. Loss. Waiting. Wanting. Emptiness. It's funny how I can reduce the pain around me into one of these categories. In my own life, I was stunned to see myself and two other people dear to me struggling with the pain of loss, each in our own way. Unfortunately, instead of recognizing this, we battled each other, each striking at each other, mired in the frustration of feeling unnoticed. There is still a part of me that aches daily over the situation and my own pain. After all, we're still faced with an entirely new loss...of the relationships we once shared.
It's so easy to get caught up in what we're going through. That's normal. And yet, I find myself fluctuating between two extremes. Wallowing in my own depression of wanting a different life than what I have and berating myself for acknowledging my feelings, as if having my own feelings makes me inconsiderate toward others. Why can't we just throw all our crap out on the table (get the feelings out in the open), sort through it (listen and cry and laugh and hold each other), and salvage what pieces are worth hanging on to (find a compromise)?
I can't help but think of the words to Rich Mullins' song, "Jacob and 2 Women." This is truly one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard, and I sing it to myself quite frequently. I love the fact that Rich just took a rather twisted story of deceit and sibling rivalry and threw it out on the table. This poor cast of characters are thrown into a life none of them really wanted. I love the lines describing the friends' reactions: Her friends say he's a devil. She says no, he is a dream.; His friends say ain't it awful. He says no, I think it's fine.; Her friends say my, that's tragic. She says especially for the moon. Here is a link to the lyrics: Jacob and 2 Women.
Life is messy. I'm right now working on a short story based on this who idea of the pain triangle. We'll see how it turns out.
Pushing the Limits. One of the more interesting traits I've discovered in myself is how much I like to push my own limits. I tend to keep some of these limits to myself because people like to assign them as personality traits. For example, I once woke up in the emergency room after drinking too much. This quickly earned me a reputation for being a party girl, something I am definitely not. In fact, I really am not much a drinker. The reality is that I really like to see how far I can go in some directions. Once I establish my boundaries, I pull back and often don't try it again. I'm much more content to play in the middle of the playground.
As I look back, I see this quality alive and well in most aspects of my life. Even as a student, once I proved I could do something, like earn an A in math, I was perfectly content to just slide by with a B. For whatever reason, I like the strategy and conquest...and that's all I need. There are just too many things for me to experience in my lifetime. I think this contributes to my nomad-ish pursuits in life. I think I would have made an interesting Medieval conquerer. I would choose the village to attack, plan the assault, and fight until I win. After the conquest, I would probably shrug my shoulders, tell them it was fun, and leave them all alone. Does this mean I really am a risk taker?
Other News. My new website should be up and running soon. I'm off work this week, so I'll probably park myself in front of the the computer one day and just get it done. I'm really excited about this project. The theme is the enchantment of life, and it will have pretty much whatever fascinates me: writing and photography and art. Last week, I printed one of my photographs as a poster and it looks amazing. I hope someone else agrees and wants to buy one. :) So here's to my upcoming week of bumdom! The beach. Some yard work. Some writing. Some web design. Some catching up with old friends and new family members. Some new found love of living in this messy world.
Pain. I'll start with the easy stuff. :) One of the more prominent thoughts I've been working through is the concept of pain. I look around me and see hurting people. Loss. Waiting. Wanting. Emptiness. It's funny how I can reduce the pain around me into one of these categories. In my own life, I was stunned to see myself and two other people dear to me struggling with the pain of loss, each in our own way. Unfortunately, instead of recognizing this, we battled each other, each striking at each other, mired in the frustration of feeling unnoticed. There is still a part of me that aches daily over the situation and my own pain. After all, we're still faced with an entirely new loss...of the relationships we once shared.
It's so easy to get caught up in what we're going through. That's normal. And yet, I find myself fluctuating between two extremes. Wallowing in my own depression of wanting a different life than what I have and berating myself for acknowledging my feelings, as if having my own feelings makes me inconsiderate toward others. Why can't we just throw all our crap out on the table (get the feelings out in the open), sort through it (listen and cry and laugh and hold each other), and salvage what pieces are worth hanging on to (find a compromise)?
I can't help but think of the words to Rich Mullins' song, "Jacob and 2 Women." This is truly one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard, and I sing it to myself quite frequently. I love the fact that Rich just took a rather twisted story of deceit and sibling rivalry and threw it out on the table. This poor cast of characters are thrown into a life none of them really wanted. I love the lines describing the friends' reactions: Her friends say he's a devil. She says no, he is a dream.; His friends say ain't it awful. He says no, I think it's fine.; Her friends say my, that's tragic. She says especially for the moon. Here is a link to the lyrics: Jacob and 2 Women.
Life is messy. I'm right now working on a short story based on this who idea of the pain triangle. We'll see how it turns out.
Pushing the Limits. One of the more interesting traits I've discovered in myself is how much I like to push my own limits. I tend to keep some of these limits to myself because people like to assign them as personality traits. For example, I once woke up in the emergency room after drinking too much. This quickly earned me a reputation for being a party girl, something I am definitely not. In fact, I really am not much a drinker. The reality is that I really like to see how far I can go in some directions. Once I establish my boundaries, I pull back and often don't try it again. I'm much more content to play in the middle of the playground.
As I look back, I see this quality alive and well in most aspects of my life. Even as a student, once I proved I could do something, like earn an A in math, I was perfectly content to just slide by with a B. For whatever reason, I like the strategy and conquest...and that's all I need. There are just too many things for me to experience in my lifetime. I think this contributes to my nomad-ish pursuits in life. I think I would have made an interesting Medieval conquerer. I would choose the village to attack, plan the assault, and fight until I win. After the conquest, I would probably shrug my shoulders, tell them it was fun, and leave them all alone. Does this mean I really am a risk taker?
Other News. My new website should be up and running soon. I'm off work this week, so I'll probably park myself in front of the the computer one day and just get it done. I'm really excited about this project. The theme is the enchantment of life, and it will have pretty much whatever fascinates me: writing and photography and art. Last week, I printed one of my photographs as a poster and it looks amazing. I hope someone else agrees and wants to buy one. :) So here's to my upcoming week of bumdom! The beach. Some yard work. Some writing. Some web design. Some catching up with old friends and new family members. Some new found love of living in this messy world.
Comments