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Seeing the future...

When did I miss the day God was bestowing upon us the ability to read minds? I've been trudging through a fog lately, desperately trying to figure out when reality shifted and we were all suddenly accountable for not knowing the inner workings of someone's mind. Too few of us understand what the hell is running around in our OWN minds!

I look at the Virginia Tech shooting, the bomb threat at my school, my incommunicado relative, mandates passed on to me by state lawmakers and parents, and even my own chastisements for myself. The bells all sound the same tune: why didn't you do something before it was too late?

You know, we all have limitations. Yet, we push and argue and berate and punish each other merely for being human. We all screw up. We all miss warning signals. We all fall short of the glory.

Sigh. I know I'm being vague. There's just too much jumbled in my head for me to sort it all out in a short, readable post. Perhaps that's part of my fixation on the faulty side of humanity. I've rushed through my week in a survival mode (which for me means staying up too late getting work done, ranting about worldly injustices, and expending too much mental energy trying to figure out what other people are thinking).

Expending all this energy on other people is a clever distraction. I don't have to look at my own feelings and make changes in my own life this way. This steely-eyed focus on everyone else uses up all my ability (and time) for personal introspection. Introspection terrifies me sometimes because I fear the decisions I will make when I truly follow my gut...and the admission that I may have neglected to predict the future. Based on recent headlines and non-conversations within my family, I'm inclined to believe that that's anyone's greatest fault.

So for now, I'm going to close my eyes, sip more of the world's best wine, and force myself to feel something. I need to feel something.

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